"Be careful,' Sonya warned. "She's fragile.'
"You guys, I'm right here!' I exclaimed.
Sonya took Jill's arm and guided her into one of the rooms. "Come on, let's order room service.'
Dimitri opened the other door and looked at me expectantly. With a sigh, I followed and sat on the bed, my arms crossed. The room was a hundred times nicer than the one in West Virginia. "Can we order room service?'
He pulled up a chair and sat opposite me, only a couple feet away. "We need to talk about what happened with Victor.'
"There's nothing to talk about,' I said bleakly. The dark feelings I'd been shoving back during the drive suddenly fell upon me. They smothered me. I felt more claustrophobic than when I'd been in the cell. Guilt was its own prison. "I really am the murderer everyone says I am. It doesn't matter that it was Victor. I killed him in cold blood.'
"That was hardly cold blood.'
"The hell it wasn't!' I cried, feeling tears spring to my eyes. "The plan was to subdue him and Robert so we could free Jill. Subdue. Victor wasn't a threat to me. He was an old man, for God's sake.'
"He seemed like a threat,' said Dimitri. His calmness was the counter to my growing hysteria, as usual. "He was using his magic.'
I shook my head, burying my face in my hands. "It wasn't going to kill me. He probably couldn't have even kept it up much longer. I could have waited it out or escaped. Hell, I did escape! But instead of capturing him, I slammed him against a concrete wall! He was no match for me. An old man. I killed an old man. Yeah, maybe he was a scheming, corrupt old man, but I didn't want him dead. I wanted him locked up again. I wanted him to spend the rest of his life in prison, living with his crimes. Living, Dimitri.'
It seemed strange that I'd feel this way, considering how much I hated Victor. But it was true: it hadn't been a fair fight. I'd acted without thinking. My training had always been about defense and striking out against monsters. Honor had never really come up, but suddenly, it meant a lot to me. "There was no honor in what I did to him.'
"Sonya said it wasn't your fault.' Dimitri's voice was still gentle, which somehow made me feel worse. I wished he'd chastise me, confirming the guilt I felt. I wanted him to be my critical instructor. "She said it was a backlash of spirit.'
"It was... .' I paused, recalling the haze of that fight as best I could. "I never really understood what Lissa experienced in her worst moments until then. I just looked at Victor ... and I saw everything evil in the world--an evil I had to stop. He was bad, but he didn't deserve that. He never stood a chance.' Honor, I kept thinking. What honor is there in that?
"You aren't listening, Rose. It wasn't your fault. Spirit's a powerful magic we barely understand. And its dark edge ... well, we know it's capable of terrible things. Things that can't be controlled.' I lifted my eyes to his. "I should have been stronger than it.' There it was. The thought behind all my guilt, all these horrible emotions. "I should have been stronger than it. I was weak.'
Dimitri's reassuring words didn't come so quickly. "You aren't invincible,' he said at last. "No one expects you to be.'
"I do. What I did ...' I swallowed. "What I did was unforgivable.'
His eyes widened in shock. "That ... that's crazy, Rose. You can't punish yourself for something you had no power over.'
"Yeah? Then why are you still--'
I stopped because I'd been about to accuse Dimitri of continuing to punish himself. Except ... he no longer was. Did he feel guilt for what he'd done as a Strigoi? I was certain of it. Sonya had admitted as much. But somewhere in this journey, he had taken control of his life again, bit by bit. She'd told me that, but only now did I truly understand.
"When?' I asked. "When did it change? When did you realize you could keep living-- even after all that guilt?'
"I'm not sure.' If the question surprised him, he hid it. His eyes were locked with mine, but they weren't quite focused on me. The puzzle occupied him. "In bits, really. When Lissa and Abe first came to me about breaking you out, I was ready to do it because she asked me to. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was personal too. I couldn't stand the thought of you locked in a cell, being cut off from the world. It wasn't right. No one should live like that, and it occurred to me that I was doing the same--by choice. I was cutting myself off from the world with guilt and self-punishment. I had a second chance to live, and I was throwing it away.'
I was still in turmoil, still raging and full of grief, but his story kept me quiet and transfixed. Hearing him pour his heart out was a rare opportunity.
"You heard me talk about this before,' he continued. "About my goal to appreciate life's little details. And the more we continued on our journey, the more I remembered who I was. Not just a fighter. Fighting is easy. It's why we fight that matters, and in the alley that night with Donovan ...' He shuddered. "That was the moment I could have crossed over into someone who fights just to senselessly kill--but you pulled me back, Rose. That was the turning point. You saved me ... just as Lissa saved me with the stake. I knew then that in order to leave the Strigoi part of me behind, I had to fight through to be what theyaren't. I had to embrace what they reject: beauty, love, honor.'
Right then, I was two people. One was overjoyed. Hearing him talk like that, realizing he was fighting his demons and close to victory ... well, I nearly wept with joy. It was what I'd wanted for him for so long. At the same time, his inspiring words only reminded me how far I'd fallen. My sorrow and self-pity took over again.
"Then you should understand,' I said bitterly. "You just said it: honor. It matters. We both know it does. I've lost mine. I lost it out there in the parking lot when I killed an innocent.'