His puzzled expression turned to pain. "Rose--'
"I'm serious.' I met his eyes unflinchingly. "You have to forgive yourself. For real. Everyone else has. If you can't, then you can't go on either. We can't.'
It was one of the biggest gambles of my life. Once, I would have run to him without question, ignoring our problems, overjoyed just to be with him. Now ... after everything I'd been through, I'd changed. I loved him. I loved him so much, and I wanted him. But it was because of the strength of that love that I had to do this. If were going to be together, we had to do it the right way. Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense. I still intended to confront Adrian. And if Dimitri wouldn't do what I asked, I really would walk away. I'd lose both men, but it was better to be alone with my self-respect than be in the wrong relationship.
"I don't know,' Dimitri said at last. "I don't know if I can ... if I'm ready.'
"Decide soon then,' I said. "You don't have to right this second, but eventually ...'
I didn't push the topic after that. For now, I would let it go, though I knew he would hold onto it and grasp its importance. I knew I was right to stand by it too. He couldn't be happy with me if he wasn't happy with himself. It occurred to me then, as I stood up for myself and what I needed, that our old teacher-student roles were gone forever. Now we really were equals.
I rested my head on his chest and felt him relax. We'd bask in this moment, if only for a little longer. Sonya had said we needed "rest,' making me think we still had some time here before the ticking clock drove us back to Court. As Dimitri and I continued to keep close to one another, I found myself actually wanting to sleep. I was exhausted from the fight--which, I realized, had taken a very unexpected turn. My guilt and despair over Victor and the explosion of spirit had taken their toll too, no matter the healing locket still around my neck. And yes, I thought with a small smile, I was simply exhausted from what Dimitri and I had just done. It was kind of nice to use my body for something that didn't result in serious injury for a change.
I fell asleep in his embrace, blackness wrapping around me as warmly as his arms. It should have been that simple. It should have been peaceful, happy rest. But as usual, I wasn't that lucky.
A spirit dream pulled me from the enveloping depths of sleep, and for half a second, I thought maybe Robert Doru had come for me to take revenge for his brother's death.
But, no. No vindictive Dashkov. Instead, I found myself staring into a pair of emerald- green eyes.
Adrian.
Chapter Thirty
I DIDN'T RUN INTO HIS arms like I usually did. How could I? After what I'd done? No. I couldn't playact anymore. I still wasn't entirely sure what the future held for Dimitri and me, not until he answered my ultimatum. I did, however, know I had to cut Adrian loose. My feelings for him were still strong, and I wondered if it was even remotely possible for us to be friends. Regardless, I couldn't lead him on after sleeping with Dimitri. It hadn't been murder, no, but it had certainly been dishonorable.
Yet ... I couldn't say any of that to Adrian now, I realized. I couldn't break up with him in a dream. That was almost as bad as a text breakup. Besides, I had a feeling that ... well, I'd probably need his help. So much for honor. Soon, I swore. Soon I'll tell him.
He didn't seem to notice my lack of embrace. But he did notice something else.
"Wow.'
We stood in St. Vladimir's library of all places, and I gave him a puzzled look across the study tables stretching before us. "Wow what?' "Your ... your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... well, I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? "After what happened?' I asked, deflecting the comment.
He chuckled and approached me. His hand reached unconsciously for his cigarettes, paused, and then dropped to his side. "Oh, come on. Everyone's talking about it. How you and Belikov kidnapped Jailbait--what's up with that anyway?--and coerced that Alchemist. It's the hottest news around here. Well, aside from the elections. The last test is coming up.'
"That's right ...' I murmured. It had almost been twenty-four hours since Lissa had received the riddle. There was only a little time left, and last I knew, she had no answer.
"Why are you sleeping in the middle of the day anyway?' he asked. "I didn't really expect to catch you. Figured you'd be on a human schedule.'
"It ... it was kind of a rough night, what with escaping a legion of guardians and all.'
Adrian caught hold of my hand, frowning slightly when I didn't squeeze his in return. The frown lightened quickly into his easy smile. "Well, I'd worry more about your old man than them. He is pissed that you didn't stay put. And that he can't get in to see the Alchemists. Believe me, he's been trying.'
That almost made me laugh, except it wasn't the outcome I'd wanted either. "So he's not all-powerful after all.' I sighed. "That's what we need. Sydney. Or, well, that guy who's with her. The one who allegedly knows something.' I flashed back, again seeing the recognition on Ian's face. He knows the man who attacked Lissa and bribed Joe. "We need him.'
"From what I picked up,' said Adrian, "the guardians are just kind of lingering around the hotel, mostly concerned with the Alchemists leaving. But they're controlling who's getting in. They won't let any of us--or other Alchemists--get through. There are lots of other human guests, and I guess Abe tried to disguise himself--and failed.'
Poor Zmey. "He should have had more faith in the guardians. They aren't going to let anyone but themselves get in and out.' My own words brought me to a halt. "That's it ...'