"Charmed!' The guilt and sympathy warring within me got a little kick of anger. "Hardly. Do you know what I've gone through in the last year?' I'd watched Mason die, fought in the St. Vladimir's attack, been captured by Strigoi in Russia, and then lived on the run as a wanted murderess. That didn't sound charmed at all.
"And yet, here you are, triumphant after it all. You survived death and freed yourself from the bond. Lissa's queen. You got the guy and your happily ever after.'
I turned my back to him and stalked away. "Adrian, what do you want me to say? I can apologize forever, but there's nothing else I can do here. I never wanted to hurt you; I can't say that enough. But the rest? Do you really expect me to be sad about everything else having worked out? Should I wish I was still I was accused of murder?'
"No,' he said. "I don't want you to suffer. Much. But the next time you're in bed with Belikov, stop a moment and remember that not everyone made out as well as you did.'
I turned back to face him. "Adrian, I never--'
"Not just me, little dhampir,' he added quietly. "There's been a lot of collateral damage along the way while you battled against the world. I was a victim, obviously. But what about Jill? What happens to her now that you've abandoned her to the royal wolves? And Eddie? Have you thought about him? And where's your Alchemist?' Every word he slung at me was an arrow, piercing my heart more than the bullets had. The fact that he'd referred to Jill by her name instead of "Jailbait' carried an extra hurt. I was already toting plenty of guilt about her, but the others ... well, they were a mystery. I'd heard rumors about Eddie but hadn't seen him since my return. He was clear of James's death, but killing a Moroi--when others still thought he might have been brought in alive--carried a heavy stigma. Eddie's previous insubordination-- thanks to me--also damned him, even if it had all been for "the greater good.' As queen, Lissa could only do so much. The guardians served the Moroi, but it was customary for the Moroi to step back and let the guardians manage their own people. Eddie wasn't being dismissed or imprisoned ... but what assignment would they give him? Hard to say.
Sydney ... she was an even greater mystery. Where's your Alchemist? The goings- on of that group were beyond me, beyond my world. I remembered her face that last time I'd seen her, back in the hotel--strong but sad. I knew she and the other Alchemists had been released since then, but her expression had said she wasn't out of trouble yet.
And Victor Dashkov? Where did he fit in? I wasn't sure. Evil or not, he was still someone who'd suffered as a result of my actions, and the events surrounding his death would stay with me forever.
Collateral damage. I'd brought down a lot of people with me, intentionally or no. But, as Adrian's words continued sinking into me, one of them suddenly gave me pause.
"Victim,' I said slowly. "That's the difference between you and me.'
"Huh?' He'd been watching me closely while I'd considered the fates of my friends and was caught off guard now. "What are you talking about?'
"You said you were a victim. That's why ... that's why ultimately, you and I aren't matched for each other. In spite of everything that's happened, I've never thought of myself that way. Being a victim means you're powerless. That you won't take action. Always ... always I've done something to fight for myself ... for others. No matter what.'
I'd never seen such outrage on Adrian's face. "That's what you think of me? That I'm lazy? Powerless?'
Not exactly. But I had a feeling that after this conversation, he would run off to the comfort of his cigarettes and alcohol and maybe whatever female company he could find.
"No,' I said. "I think you're amazing. I think you're strong. But I don't think you've realized it--or learned how to use any of that.' And, I wanted to add, I wasn't the person who could inspire that in him.
"This,' he said, moving toward the door, "was the last thing I expected. You destroy my life and then feed me inspirational philosophy.'
I felt horrible, and it was one of those moments where I wished my mouth wouldn't just blurt out the first thing on my mind. I'd learned a lot of control--but not quite enough.
"I'm just telling you the truth. You're better than this ... better than whatever it is you're going to do now.' Adrian rested his hand on the doorknob and gave me a rueful look. "Rose, I'm an addict with no work ethic who's likely going to go insane. I'm not like you. I'm not a superhero.'
"Not yet,' I said.
He scoffed, shook his head, and opened the door. Just before leaving, he gave me one more backward glance. "The contract's null and void, by the way.'
I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. And in one of those rare moments, Rose Hathaway was rendered speechless. I had no witty quips, no elaborate explanations, and no profound insight.
Adrian left, and I wondered if I'd ever see him again.
Chapter Thirty-six
I'D OFTEN DREAMED ABOUT waking up with Dimitri, waking up in a way that was ... ordinary. Sweet. Not because we were hastily trying to catch sleep before fighting our next foe. Not because we were recovering from sex we had to hide, sex laden with baggage and myriad complications. I just wanted to wake up together, in his arms, and have it be a good morning.
Today was that day.
"How long have you been awake?' I asked drowsily. My head was on his chest, and I was wrapped against him as best as I could manage. My wounds were healing rapidly but still had to be babied. We'd found a few creative workarounds last night. Sunlight now spilled in through the windows, filling my bedroom with gold.
He was watching me in that quiet, solemn way of his, with those dark eyes that were so easy to get lost in. "A little while,' he admitted, lifting his gaze to the sunlight-filled window. "I think I'm still on a human schedule. Either that, or my body just wants to be up when the sun is. Seeing it is still amazing to me.'