“That’s disgusting.”
“It is what it is,” I replied quietly. “And Puck wasn’t the first. The others were . . . awful. I actually enjoyed it with Puck, at least until things got rough.”
“I’ve heard he’s wild,” she murmured. “Did he hurt you?”
“Yeah, but he stopped when I asked him to. It was sweet in a fucked-up way. Then things got ugly. Puck told one of his friends that I wasn’t good enough and Teeny heard about it. He beat me up the next morning.”
Danielle swallowed.
“You don’t have to tell me this. I mean, I know I told you to spill and I’m here for you, but I wasn’t trying to force you to open up if you don’t want to.”
“No, it feels good to talk about it,” I admitted. “The only other person who knows it all is Regina. Anyway, Puck found out what happened and he was pissed. Like, really pissed. He was on parole—could’ve gone back to jail. So he kicked the shit out of Teeny and took me home with him. Like, I got on his bike and we left. I’ve never been back and I haven’t even seen my mom since then . . . He brought me to Callup and the club asked Regina and Earl to take me in. They did and you know the rest. So that’s me and Puck. It’s a clusterfuck.”
“Damn,” she replied, frowning. “And now he lives across the roof from you. Are you okay with that?”
“I think so,” I answered. “I have such weird feelings about him. He scares me—they all scare me. Sometimes when I see a biker, the bottom of my stomach twists and I want to throw up a little. At the same time, I’m probably only alive because he stepped up and saved me. The Silver Bastards were good to me, Danielle. Really good. They were outnumbered, you know. Rescuing me was a big risk. On the ride home, Boonie promised that they’d protect me as long as I needed them, and they have. Last year—when I told Regina I wanted to start beauty school—she talked to Darcy about it. We went to coffee and she told me all about what to expect. Did you know she’s got both her massage and cosmetology licenses? Darcy can even do permanent cosmetics. She also told me she’d help me find a place when I’m done, either at her place or through one of her contacts.”
“I always wondered what it was between you and the club,” Danielle said softly. “I mean, I knew shit was complicated—usually people gossip when someone new moves to town. But nobody gossiped about you. The club shut it down.”
“Yeah . . .”
“So what’s going on now?”
“Things changed after my ride home with him the other night. Probably won’t surprise you, but there’s tension between us. Always has been, but I’m an adult now. I tried to talk to him about being friends and he made it clear that when it comes to us, it’s all or nothing. I told him no. Then he saw me with Blake.”
“Blake?” she asked, sitting up straight. I flapped my hand at her.
“Settle down, big girl. He wanted a haircut after school. I didn’t think about closing my shades, so Puck watched us and Blake took off his shirt like he always does, you know? Puck saw me with Joe the other night, too—you know, at the Moose—and I guess it’s been bothering him. We talked for a while on the roof, then he asked for a haircut. I said yes and he came inside. Long story short, we made out and he got me off on the couch. Then my mom called before we could do anything more.”
Danielle didn’t say anything for a minute. Then she stood and walked quietly over to her fridge and pulled a bottle of Fireball out of the freezer. Opening it, she handed it over without a word.
I drank straight from the bottle, cinnamon burning my throat. I managed not to drop it as I coughed. Danielle took it back and sucked down some for herself before setting it on the table between us.
“That’s officially the most fucked-up thing I’ve ever heard. How are things between you and Puck now?”
“Well, he told me Mom was just playing me and I got mad at him. So I called him a rapist and kicked him out of my apartment.”
Silence.
“He didn’t rape me,” I added. “He saved me.”
“You win,” she said after a pause.
“Win what?”
“The fucked-up prize,” she replied. “I thought I would, because Blake and I—never mind, doesn’t matter anyway. So you called him a rapist and kicked him out because he said your mom might be trying to play you?”
“Pretty much. He also wanted me to have sex with him after, said I left him hanging. I tried to apologize to him this morning but I couldn’t seen any signs of life in his apartment. Of course, he might’ve been ignoring me. Probably not his favorite person right now. What the hell am I going to do, Danielle?”
She cocked her head, thinking.
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to be happy.”
“Give me more to work with. Do you want Puck?”
“No,” I said slowly. “I mean, yes. I totally want Puck, as in having sex with him would kick ass. But it’s more than I can handle—he’s so intense, you know? And I have no idea what to do about my mom, either. When she called this morning she said she’d been wrong, that she needs to find her own way out, and that I’m a good daughter. Up to that point I was pissed at her, but now I just feel guilty. I want to help her but I don’t have two grand. And what if she does leave him? I mean, where is she going to live? With me? I love her and I want her to get away, but having her in my place would be really hard. I’m not sure her brain is even right—she’s gotten beat so much over the years and she’s done a lot of drugs. Realistically, I’d be way too busy taking care of her to have a relationship with anyone. I’m just too fucked up for this.”