I realize as I speak, that I’m already starting to think of Frank as more than blood—as family. A quick stab of fear cuts through me, because there is always the possibility that he’s as deceptive a snake as Damien’s father.
Right now, though, I have to believe that’s not true.
Beside me, Damien’s expression darkens. “Damien? What is it?”
“I was thinking of Jackson. What he went through today.” He pulls me closer, crushing me against his body so that the vibration of each word rumbles through me. “I couldn’t lose you, Nikki,” he says with a tight ferocity.
“You won’t,” I say. “And Sylvia’s fine. The baby’s fine.” I push myself up a bit so that I can see his face. The fear fading to warmth and then to the tiniest of smiles.
“Your face,” he says. “The look on your face as you watched that tiny little person.”
I say nothing; I can hardly deny having been mesmerized by the little guy.
“Someday you want one.” It’s not a question, merely a statement of fact.
I prop myself on my elbow. “We’ve talked about this. I’ve always wanted one. But our past. Our families. Our issues. My issues.” I shake my head, the motion almost like a shudder, and I think of how much I wanted to cut just this morning. “It’s always going to be inside me. That urge. Even with you here to help me fight it.”
“You think that means you’d be a bad mom?”
I consider the question, because it deserves an honest answer. “No—no, I don’t. I guess…” I trail off with a shake of my head.
“What?”
I draw in a breath as I try to put words to my jumbled thoughts. “It’s just that I never thought I’d be ready. I mean, I wanted kids, but in the abstract. In some amorphous future that I couldn’t pinpoint. But now—I don’t know. It’s different because I have a family now.”
“And you didn’t before,” he says, and it’s another statement, not a question.
“I didn’t,” I agree. “I had a mother, but not a family. Now I have you. I have Syl and Jackson and Ronnie and the baby. I have Jamie and Ollie and Evelyn and Blaine and Cass and Siobhan and Lisa and Preston. And now Frank.” I meet Damien’s eyes. “I really think I have Frank, too.”
He smiles, just a little, but enough that I can see the hope in his eyes. And a hint of fear that I’m going to get burned.
Right now, though, I’m not going to worry about that. Because no matter what, the truth is that our family is small, but it’s growing. And maybe, I think, as Damien holds me close, his heart beating in time with my own, maybe one day it will grow a little bit more when Damien and I take the leap to that next great adventure.