Cole blinked, stunned.
I shook my head in exasperation. “It’s you and me. This.” I gestured between us. “This is how we started out and this probably won’t be the last time we have an argument. I have a tendency to think out loud, and sometimes my thought process involves really crap ideas before I get to the good ones. That’s what happened last week. You blew up and I get why, but I never believed we’d stay mad at each other or broken up.” I took a step toward him. I was relieved to see his expression soften. “I trust you, Cole. I trust you because I know you. I love you because I know you. All this time we’ve talked about my trust issues and never about yours. Clearly this proves you have them.” I braced. “So decide, Cole . . . Do you trust me?”
“I don’t know.” His eyes flared at the sound of my hurt gasp and he leaned into me. “You know,” he said, voice low with emotion. “You know everything. You know how she made me feel my whole life, and still you sat there and suggested putting me to one side so you could work on me gaining your family’s approval. She was unworthy of me and still she made me feel like nothing, like I had something to prove. They’re unworthy of you and still somehow you made me feel like the nothing, like I have something to prove. You, of all people.”
“No,” I pleaded, tears blurring my vision. “I never meant for you to feel that way. Not ever again.”
“But I did. And I don’t know what that means for us.”
* * *
“You look like hell.”
I lifted my gaze to meet Logan’s and he winced at whatever he saw in my eyes.
“What happened?”
I ran a trembling hand through my hair. “I’ve messed up. Again.”
“Messed up how?”
“I wanted to make this right for you.” Feeling the burn of tears in the backs of my eyes, I fought them. I was sick of crying. It felt like I’d spent the last four nights crying. “You wanted our family back, and I wanted to give that to you. I owe you that. But I don’t think I can, Logan.” I shook my head, anger stinging in my blood. “They gave me an ultimatum. Them or Cole. Them? They’ve never once asked me how I’ve coped with Ollie’s attack. Not once. They act like I was asking for it or something.”
Logan’s violet eyes darkened with anger and I knew it wasn’t directed at me. I knew because the anger mingled with disappointment. I’d seen that look on his face many times over the years when he was thinking about our parents.
I took a shuddering breath. “Because I hesitated I’ve lost the only guy who’s ever really loved me.” Losing the battle with my tears, I swiped at them in frustration, unable to meet Logan’s gaze. “Cole broke up with me because of them.”
“Shay, I don’t understand . . .”
So I told him everything.
“I was happy, Logan,” I concluded. “I felt guilty for being happy while you’re in here and I wanted to do something for you, but I can’t do this. I’ve screwed it up with you, with them, and with Cole.” I tugged on my hair. “Ugh, maybe it’s not unsalvageable. I mean Cole’s gone, so Mum, Dad, and Amanda will accept me back into their lives. Maybe we can be a family again.” I’ll just bury my resentment.
“Shannon.” Logan grabbed for my hand and my full attention. Concern was written all over his face. “You’re looking and acting like you haven’t slept in days.”
I pulled gently on his hand. “I’ve only ever had two people in my life that I adore . . . and I’ve hurt them both. I put you in prison and I broke Cole’s heart.” I swatted at my tears. “And I can’t stop crying. It’s ridiculous. Even Rae’s being nice to me. That’s when you know you’re pathetic.” I shrugged. “Stu’s probably going to fire me anyway. The atmosphere between me and Cole at work is horrendous and Stu warned me he’d get rid of me if I was causing problems wi—”
“Can you please shut up for two minutes?” Logan interrupted, scowling at me. “One: I’m not going to repeat this again. You did not put me here. I put me here. Two: Shannon, I would never have asked you to do anything that would make you unhappy to make them happy. As long as you and I are good, what does it matter?”
“But you said—”
“You didn’t have to take it so much to heart. I didn’t realize how guilty you’ve been feeling. I mean, I knew you felt guilty for some fucked-up reason, but I didn’t realize it was this deep-seated. Sweetheart.” He shook his head. “You’ve got to let that go.”
I was silent. There was no point replying, because I couldn’t give him the assurance he was looking for. I felt remorseful. That feeling wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
“As to Cole . . . I’ve never seen you this bad before. I’d never seen you as happy as I had last time either, so I can tell this guy is different. Forget everyone else, Shannon. Go back to Edinburgh and make it right with him. And when you do, come back here and let me thank the guy who’s been taking care of my wee sister while I can’t.”
I smiled tremulously. “Were you always this awesome?”
Deadpan, he said, “Wise since birth, wee ane. Wise since birth.”
I laughed softly and then stopped at a sudden, terrible thought. “He’s not going to take me back. I don’t know how to make him see how much he means to me.”
Logan winked. “Go big . . . or go home.”