“It’s all been taken care of.” He stilled me. “They took care of Will and the house is fine. When your mom comes home, she won’t know anything happened.”
Relief was potent and I relaxed, but it didn’t last long. An image surfaced of standing in the kitchen, smiling at Will and goading him, sending a shudder through me. Silence fell between us as I stared into the darkened room, replaying the evening over and over. I kept getting caught on how calm I had become, how cold I’d felt when that part of me decided I was going to have to…have to kill Will.
And I had.
A bitter taste filled the back of my throat. I had killed people and that was even counting the Arum. A life was a life, Daemon had said. So how many had I killed? Three? So I’d killed four living creatures.
My breath rose and got stuck around the quickly rising lump in my throat. What was worse than the knowledge that I had taken lives was my acceptance of doing so. I’d had no qualms about what I did when it happened and that wasn’t me—that couldn’t be me.
“Kat,” he said softly. “Kitten, what are you thinking?”
“I killed him.” Tears welled up and spilled down my cheeks before I could stop them. “I killed him, and I didn’t care at all.”
He placed his hands on my bare shoulders. “You did what you had to do, Kat.”
“No. You don’t understand.” My throat tightened and I struggled for breath. “I didn’t care. And I should care about these kinds of things.” I laughed hoarsely. “Oh, God…”
Pain flickered in his bright gaze. “Kat—”
“What’s wrong with me? Something is wrong with me. I could’ve just disarmed him and stopped him. I didn’t have to—”
“Kat, he tried to kill you. He shot you. You acted out of self-defense.”
It all sounded reasonable to him. But had I? The man was weak and frail. Instead of goading him, I could’ve disarmed him and that was it. But I killed him…
My control slipped and broke. I felt twisted inside, balling up into so many knots I thought I’d never be straightened out again. This whole time I had been so convinced that I could do what was necessary, that I could easily kill and when it came down to it, I had killed, but Daemon had been right. Killing wasn’t the hard part. It was what came afterward—the guilt. It was too much. All the ghosts of those who’d died by my own hand and those who had passed on who were tied to me appeared, surrounding me and choking me until the only sound I could make was a hoarse cry.
Daemon made a sound in the back of his throat and pulled me into his arms, blankets and all. The tears came, they kept coming, and he rocked me, holding me close. And it didn’t seem right or fair that he’d comfort me. He didn’t know how easy it had been for me to throw that switch, to become someone else. I wasn’t the same girl. Not the Katy who had changed him and inspired him to be different.
I wasn’t her.
I struggled to pull free, but he held on and I hated that—hated that he didn’t see what I saw. “I’m a monster. I’m like Blake.”
“What?” Disbelief thickened his tone. “You are nothing like him, Kat. How can you say that?”
Tears streaked down my cheeks. “But I am. Blake—he killed because he was desperate. How is what I did any different? It’s not!”
He shook his head. “It’s not the same.”
I dragged in air by the lungful. “I’d do it again. I swear I would. If anyone threatened my mom or you, I would. And I knew that after everything that had happened with Blake and Adam. That’s not how people react—it’s not right.”
“There’s nothing wrong with protecting those you love,” he argued. “Do you think I’ve enjoyed killing those I have? I haven’t. But I wouldn’t go back and change those things.”
I wiped at my cheeks as my shoulders shook. “Daemon, it’s different.”
“How is it?” He grasped my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him through tear-soaked lashes. “Remember when I took out those two DOD officers at the warehouse? I hated that I did it, but I had no other choice. If they reported back that they’d seen us, it would all be over and I wasn’t going to let them take you.”
His fingers chased after the tears and he dipped his head, catching my gaze when I tried to look away. “And I hated what I have done—I hated every time I’ve taken a life, Arum or human, but sometimes, there is no other choice. You don’t accept it. You don’t become okay with it, but you do come to understand it.”
I grasped his wrists. They were so thick that my fingers barely met. “But what…what if I was okay with it?”
“You’re not okay with it, Kat.” His belief in that statement, in me, rang true in his voice, and I couldn’t understand that blind faith. “I know you’re not.”
“How can you be so sure?” I whispered.
Daemon smiled a little. Not a full breathtaking kind of smile, but it still reached down into me, wrapping around my heart. “I know you’re good inside. You’re warmth and light and everything I don’t deserve, but you—you believe that I deserve you. Knowing all that I have done in my past to other people and to you, you still believe I deserve you.”
“I—”
“And that’s because you’re good inside—you’ve always been and will be.” His hands slipped down my throat, to curve around my shoulders. “There is nothing you can say or do that will change that. So grieve what you had to do. Mourn it, but never, ever blame yourself for things that are beyond your control.”