“I know you’re disappointed. You didn’t think you’d have a . . . well, I know you wanted this.”
His gaze searched mine. “I know you wanted this, too, but this . . . it happens. God.” His head bowed as he brought our joined hands to his forehead. “Fuck. I don’t know what to say.”
The breath I drew in was shaky. I didn’t know what to say either. His shoulders tensed and then he lifted his head. Those extraordinary eyes were bright, too bright, and my heart broke.
“Okay. All right.” He inhaled deeply. “Do we need to go to the hospital? I can—”
“I already went to the hospital.”
Nick’s lips slowly parted as he stared at me, his eyes widening.
“There’s nothing else that can be done at this point. I mean, not right now. I’ll make a follow-up appointment to make sure everything is okay, but nothing needs to be done right now.” That was the truth, and I didn’t need to tell him all the . . . other details of what was happening. “You don’t need to take off work or anything. I’m just going to be . . . uh, relaxing . . .” I swallowed thickly. “ . . . until Monday.”
He let go of my hands. “When . . . when did this happen?”
“Last night.” Hadn’t I said that? I couldn’t remember.
Nick placed his hands on his thighs. “And you went to the hospital last night?”
I nodded as I smoothed my hands over my legs.
“Why didn’t you call me?”
His face blurred a little as I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
There was a pause. “Come again?”
Why hadn’t I called him? He should’ve been the first person I called. Granted, I’d panicked when I went to the hospital, but I should’ve called him once I was there or when the nurse had asked. I still didn’t even know why I hadn’t. I pressed my fingers to my temples and shook my head. “I didn’t want to bother you.”
“Bother me? Are you . . . ?” He rose suddenly, taking a step back. His hand went through his hair again. “Okay. Why would you even think that?”
I shook my head.
Nick stepped to the side, his hands settling on his waist. “Is this a real conversation we’re having?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “I didn’t . . .”
“You didn’t what?”
I hadn’t wanted to disappoint him, because he’d lost so much. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him, because he’d already been hurt enough. And I didn’t know how to handle any of this—the baby, being in a relationship, losing the baby and Nick. I didn’t know how to do this, and I had done it wrong, so wrong.
And as I lifted my gaze to him, I knew they weren’t the only reasons. I’d fallen for Nick, fallen so deep, and this baby was what had brought us together—was what stuck us together, and now that wasn’t there. He’d never said he’d loved me. No plans for the future were made that hadn’t included the baby. What were we without what brought us together?
I knew I was going to lose him.
A cramp hit, catching me off guard. My hand flew to my stomach as the pain lanced through me.
Nick was immediately kneeling in front of me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I gritted out.
“What can I do?” He touched my arm.
“Nothing. Just . . .” The pain let up, and pulled away as I stood. “I just need to relax for a little bit.”
His hands opened at his sides. “Is there anything I can get for you?”
I shook my head. “No. I just wanted to let you know. That’s all.”
“That’s all?” He jerked back as if he’d been pushed, and I wanted to look away. I wanted to hide, because this . . . all of this felt like my fault. “Stephanie, I don’t know what to say.”
Tell me that you still want to be here.
Tell me that you still see a future for us.
Tell me that you love me.
“There’s nothing to say,” I whispered, looking away.
“You’re wrong,” he said, and hope sparked deep in my chest. “We lost a baby—”
“I wasn’t even thirteen weeks,” I said, because it was easier not to think about it outside of that. “The doctor said it might’ve stopped developing weeks ago.”
“Weeks ago?” he murmured, wincing.
“All I’m trying to say is that at least it happened now and not weeks from now, not when . . .” Not when I was showing or when it would be so much harder to accept and understand this.
Except it was hard to accept and understand. I didn’t get it. I didn’t know why this happened, and I wasn’t just disappointed, I was crushed, and I—
“I should’ve been there, Stephanie. Not just so that I could be there for you, but also so that I could be there. And nothing to say? There’s a lot to say about all of this. I don’t know the words right now. I don’t even know what to think, but . . . Fuck.” He smoothed his hand over his face. His arm shook. “Why didn’t you call me, Stephanie?”
I blinked. “I . . .”
“You know what? This isn’t the time for this conversation.”
My stomach twisted. “Why not?”
He shot me a disbelieving look. “You don’t need to deal with anything else.”
Here it comes, I thought. “I’m okay,” I told him, straightening my shoulders. “What conversation do you want to have?”
“You’re okay?”