“Honestly, so much has happened my head is spinning,” Cass says. She and I are in the huge guest bedroom that Jackson and I will be sharing. We’ve snuck away from the festivities for a quick BFF catch-up session. “I’m surprised you’re still clinging to sanity.” She narrows her eyes. “You are still sane, aren’t you?”
I roll my eyes, then perch on the edge of the bed. “As sane as I was before. But that’s not saying much.”
Cass only grins, then starts counting out on her fingers. “Engaged. Small child. Non-felonious fiancé. And a father who’s confessed to committing murder. There’s more, I’m sure, but that covers the high points. Seriously,” she says more gently. “Are you doing okay?”
“I am,” I say. “Jackson being free trumps everything.”
“True that. But—” She scrunches up her face as if she’s caught a whiff of something unpleasant. “I mean, your dad. It’s kind of freaky. Have you talked with Ethan?”
I shake my head. “I left him a voice mail to call me. I think he gets back from Mexico today. And since he can’t go see Dad yet anyway, I didn’t want to worry him.”
“Are you going to go see your dad?”
“I don’t know. And, honestly, I don’t want to think about it. Or talk about it, for that matter. Not forever. Just not today. Because there’s nothing I can do anyway, and tonight is about Jackson being free and getting Ronnie. Okay?”
“You’ll call me if you need me?”
“Duh.”
She laughs. “Fair enough. You’re off the hook for now. But . . .” She trails off, making the face again.
I shake my head, and force myself not to smile. “What?”
“Ronnie’s entirely precious. And you seem really good with her.”
I frown. “I shouldn’t have said anything to you. I completely adore her, and Jackson is floating.” All of that is true. What I don’t say is that I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m a character in Barney or some other kids’ show, just playing the part of the grown-up. And while I want to step out of the role, I can’t. Because what’s my fallback persona? The girl who grew up with my parents? Without a script, I’ll be swinging without a net. Yet with a script, it doesn’t seem quite real.
But I tell myself this is all new. And since I really love Jackson and I really love Ronnie, I can make it all work.
I tell myself that. But I’m not certain that I believe it.
“So when’s the paternity hearing, anyway?” Cass stands up and starts for the door, and I follow, understanding that this is her way of changing the subject. And, yeah, I’m grateful.
“Next week,” I say. “We’ll have to pop out to Santa Fe, but we’ll only be gone for a day or two.”
“And the wedding?”
“That one has a longer fuse. Next summer. I want to get married at the resort.”
“Hell, yeah, you do. I’ll be best man?”
I laugh. “Definitely.”
We’ve reached the living room, and I immediately see Nikki chatting in the corner with Stella and Siobhan, but it’s not until I look toward the far side of the room that I see Jackson. He’s standing hand in hand with Ronnie in front of the window, their backs to me. Night has fallen, and they are looking out over the lights of the city spread out in front of them.
“Wow,” Ronnie says, and I hear Jackson’s soft chuckle.
“Yes,” he says. “Very wow.”
Then she lets go of his hand and hugs his leg tight. “I love you, Daddy,” she says.
And in that moment, I can actually believe that everything will be just fine.
That belief lasts approximately seven more hours.
That’s when I’m the only one left awake in the apartment.
We’d put Ronnie to bed at seven, after she’d hugged everyone good night and distributed a few sloppy kisses to “my Cassy” and “Uncle Damien.”
Stella had already retired to her room, complaining of a head cold.
Cass and Siobhan left about ten minutes after Nikki and Damien, and although I’d been looking forward to unwinding with Jackson, it quickly became clear that wasn’t going to happen tonight. Or, at least, not if I wanted him conscious.
He’d told me he was going to go lay down, and suggested that I join him with a bottle of wine.
I did, but by the time I got there, he was sound asleep on top of the covers, still in his clothes but dead to the world.
I took his shoes off, but left him dressed, opting to cover him gently with a blanket. God knew he had to be exhausted, both physically and mentally, and I didn’t want to risk waking him up when he so desperately needed sleep.