“Better?” she finished, her tone hopeful.
“I was going to say more complicated. Better is the more optimistic response, I suppose.” I wanted to be as hopeful as she was, and maybe I should have been. He’d wanted me to see this. He’d wanted me to know that it was my name he’d said, and that meant he still cared. Why else would he want me to see it?
But if he still felt that way about me, why had our reunion gone so horribly?
Laynie swiveled my chair so that I was facing her. “Look. I don’t know what’s going on in your head right now. And I don’t know him. At all. But that guy is into you.”
“That was a year ago,” I said, without any real protest.
“And look how much your feelings have changed since then.”
Boom. Point for her. I still had feelings for him. Feelings that weren’t just based in anger. Or lust. And I certainly hadn’t shown any of that to him.
“But it was terrible downstairs,” I moaned. “Really terrible. It was tense and awkward. He didn’t show any signs of lingering affection.”
She sat on the edge of my desk. “Did you consider that maybe the tension was projected by you?”
I tried not to roll my eyes at Laynie’s psycho-babble. “Why would I be tense? I was excited to see him. I’ve been dying to see him.”
“Right. But just before he came in, you were talking about Chandler. Is there some guilt there?”
Fuck.
Chandler.
I threw my head back against my chair and groaned. “Yes. There’s guilt there.” I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. “A whole lot of guilt.”
“It’s probably worse now too since you thought JC had been married when he was really lamenting over you.”
I groaned again. “Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “That really helps.”
“Oh no! I didn’t mean to make things worse! I was trying to understand.”
I peeked up at her. “It’s not your fault. I’m the one who fooled around with someone else. Not just once, either. Enough times to not be able to call it an accident or a moment of weakness. God, I feel like shit.”
She frowned, her eyes compassionate. “So, that’s not great. But did you promise fidelity?”
“No, but—”
“Then it’s fine. I’m sure it’s fine.” She didn’t sound sure though.
“It’s not fine. It’s terrible.” My stomach lurched as I continued thinking about how awful it was. “And do you really think that’s what the tension could have been?”
“Well, I wasn’t there. But, yes. Baggage like that can be poison.”
Her reference to baggage reminded me of what JC had said about wanting to free me of his baggage. It actually had been a very nice thing to say, now that I thought about it. And I’d lashed out at him for it.
I really did feel wretched. Downright shitty. Remorseful and anguished. And it wasn’t just about my fling with Chandler—Laynie had been right earlier. It was scary to think that JC might really still want me. That he might still love me, even. Terrifying. Especially when I so obviously didn’t deserve him because I couldn’t fucking wait for him to come back to me.
I let out an exasperated ugh. “I was such a bitch, Laynie. Such a total bitch.”
“You have a right to some of that.” She put a hand on my arm, comforting me. “You haven’t heard from him in a year. Whether or not you mean to, you’re going to feel some resentment.”
“More like anger. And jealousy. Over his dead girlfriend.”
“All to be expected.”
“Add my guilt over Chandler…” I let out a heavy sigh.
“Yep. Resulting in tension and bitchiness.”
I let that sit for a moment, replaying the scene in the bubble room in my head. I’d sensed the awkwardness, the something’s off vibe before we even started talking, possibly, as Laynie suggested, because I was feeling anxious. Maybe he hadn’t felt that at all. Maybe it had just been me. Then when we did start talking, I’d been the first one to say anything. And I’d been cold. Everything spiraled downward from there.
It felt more complicated than that. It was, wasn’t it? He’d been aloof from the minute he walked in, hadn’t he? He hadn’t brushed against me—was that simply because he perceived some sort of hostility on my part?
“You need to talk to him again,” Laynie said. “That’s the only way you can sort this out. Talk to him and tell him about Chandler. That has to go away before you can figure out if there’s anything good still between you.”