Kiera relaxed into my body, and playing the song blind, I smiled at her. “This really isn’t so hard. I learned this one when I was six.” It was one of the first songs I had learned on the guitar, back when I’d taught myself to play.
I gave her a playful wink and her cheeks softened with color. “Well…you’re just more talented with your fingers,” she replied.
I froze as my mind instantly went into the gutter. When I laughed, she rolled her eyes and laughed too. “You have such a dirty mind. You and Griffin are a lot alike.”
I grimaced as I remembered Griffin talking about a hooker while he fondled himself. God, I hoped we weren’t that much alike. “I can’t help it if I think that way around you.” Wishing I could do more than just think things about her, I removed my hands from the guitar. “You try.”
To her credit, she didn’t give up until she’d made a noise that was somewhat melodic. I smiled when she giggled in delight at her accomplishment. I loved seeing the way her eyes glowed when she was happy, the way the corners compressed into warm wrinkles.
Once she had that basic chord down, I showed her another one. After a few attempts, she had that one down too, and then she could sort of play the song I’d taught her. She played for a while, but then she started flexing her hand, and I knew she was done for the day.
I set the guitar on the ground, pulled her into my chest, and started massaging her fingers. “You have to build up the strength for it,” I told her.
Perfectly content, her only reply was, “Hmmmm…”
I couldn’t help but notice she didn’t make any pleased noises this time. She was trying to make this easier for me, and I appreciated it. After a time, I stopped and simply held her. It was peaceful and wonderful, but I still wanted more. “Can we try something?” I quietly asked her.
She automatically stiffened, her eyes suspicious when she looked back at me. “What?”
I laughed at her reluctant expression. By her eyes, she thought I was going to ask her for something sordid and risqué. It amused me that I wasn’t the only one with a dirty mind. “It’s innocent…I promise.”
Lying back on the couch, I opened my arms wide in invitation. Her reluctance shifted to confusion, but she eventually nestled herself into the space between me and the couch. A happy sigh escaped me as I wrapped my arms around her. Yes, this is what I needed.
The fruity scent of her shampoo was all around me as I held her close. Her skin was soft and her body was warm. I felt whole and complete as I lay with her, and for the first time today, I was truly happy.
Still seemingly confused, Kiera lifted her head and looked down at me. “This is what you wanted to do?” Was she surprised that my request wasn’t sexual? I’d told her I’d be good. I’d meant it.
I shrugged. “Yeah, it looked…nice…when you did this with Denny…”
She nodded, looking slightly overwhelmed, then she rested her head on my chest, her eyes facing me, and wrapped her arm and leg around me. I nearly purred, it was so wonderful. Why had I never done this before? Because I’d never had anyone who cared about me before, that was why.
Sighing, I leaned my head against hers. I wished this never had to end. “Is this okay with you?” I whispered into her hair.
I felt her muscles release all of their tension and I smiled wider. She was relaxing with me. She was enjoying this. “Yeah…it’s nice. Are you okay?”
I felt her tracing a circle on my chest and I laughed. I’d never been more okay in all my life. “I’m fine, Kiera.” I’m wonderful. I rubbed her back and she clutched me tight. I firmed up my hold on her, savoring the moment. I really didn’t want this to end.
I felt Kiera nuzzle into my neck, then her hold on me relaxed. Her breath washed against my skin in a slow, even pattern. “Kiera,” I whispered. “Are you asleep?” I waited several seconds, but she didn’t respond; she didn’t even grunt like she was partially awake. She just kept lightly breathing. Smiling that I’d made her comfortable enough to pass out, I gave her a small squeeze. “Thank you for doing this.” After a long pause, I found some courage and breathed the words, “I love you…so much.”
My throat closed up on me and I couldn’t say any more. I was a little surprised I’d even gotten that much out. Speaking my feelings was difficult. Even when I was saying it at a nearly inaudible level, even knowing that she couldn’t hear me because she was fast asleep didn’t make it any easier. Judging by how hard that was, I was beginning to think that I was incapable of ever telling her how much I cared. I’d just have to show her, and hope that she could correctly interpret my actions.
I held her for an eternity while she napped. Then my arm started falling asleep, and I knew I needed to move. We had time before Denny was due home, so I didn’t want to wake her yet. I shifted my position as carefully as I could. Flexing my hand, I tried to regain blood flow. The brief movement was too much though, and Kiera stirred in my arms. “Sorry…I didn’t mean to wake you,” I murmured when it was clear she was awake.
She startled at my words and sat bolt upright. Staring at the front door, she whispered, “Denny.” She seemed terrified as she glanced down at me.
Sitting up, I hooked some loose strands of hair around her ear. “You weren’t asleep long. It’s still early. He won’t be home for an hour or so.” Hurt that our moment was over, that Denny was occupying her thoughts again, I looked away. I understood her reaction though. I didn’t want Denny to see this either. He wouldn’t understand. I barely did. “I wouldn’t let him…” I met her eyes again. “I won’t let him see this, if you don’t want him to.” But if you do want to be with me, openly, we could come clean to him.
She shook her head no, and even though I nodded at her, a slice of pain ran across my heart. No, she didn’t want to be with me. No more than the brief, “innocent” connections we had. I knew that. It was stupid to assume she wanted more just because I did.
Kiera seemed a little overwhelmed by the intense way I was staring at her. I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable, I just couldn’t turn away from the sight of her. She blurted out a question, like it had just come to her. “Where did you go when you used to disappear? When you didn’t come home all night?” She settled down beside me, and we sat side by side. Remembering all the times I’d run away from her, hiding, I smiled, but didn’t answer. She took my silence to mean something scandalous. “If you were…if you are seeing someone, you should just tell me.”
I cocked my head to the side, surprised by her assumption. “Is that what you think? That when I’m not with you, I’m with a woman?” I suppose that would explain some of her frosty attitude toward me, if she thought I was stepping out on her all the time. Not that we were together or anything…
Kiera cringed. She knew she had no right to feel jealous, since she was the one who was actually seeing someone. “You’re not with me; you have every right…to date.”
She’d grabbed my hand while she’d said that, and I stroked her fingers. “I know.” But what woman on this earth could give me what you give me? There is no one else for me. “Would it bother you if I was seeing someone?” I asked, insanely curious whether she would have the same reaction I did when it came to her and Denny.
Clearly not wanting to answer, she turned her head and swallowed. Surprisingly, she did answer me though. “Yes,” she whispered.
With a sigh, I stared at the floor. So we were both going to be miserable with certain aspects of each other’s lives then. Great. What did I do with that information? I didn’t want to hurt her, far from it; I wanted to love her. But what she was saying was that I would be largely alone as long as we were “together.” I would sleep alone while she slept with Denny, never be able to show her affection in public, and never be able to tell the world that I cared about her. And I would never have sex with her while we were in our pseudo-relationship. I didn’t want it with anyone else, but it made me feel really lonely to think of being celibate for the rest of my life. Could I live like that? What choice did I have?
“What?” Kiera tentatively asked.
Putting an arm around her waist, I rubbed her back. “Nothing.” Don’t worry about me. I can do this…
She melted into my side. “I’m not being fair, am I? I’m with Denny. You and I are…just friends. I can’t ask you to never…”
She again cut herself off before saying the word, and a small laugh escaped me. The word “friends” hurt though, and I suddenly wished this painful conversation were over. “Well, we could solve this little problem if you relaxed your rules.” Even though I was somewhat serious, I gave her a playful grin. “Especially that first one.” Let me make love to you again…
She didn’t share my humor, so I stopped laughing. Nothing about this topic was really that funny anyway, I just preferred laughter to hard conversations. Her face straight, she told me, “I’ll understand. I won’t like it, any more than you probably like me with Denny…but I’ll understand. Just don’t hide it. Don’t sneak around on me. We shouldn’t have secrets…”