“You’d have to ask them,” I whispered.
She started crying in earnest now, but I only felt numb inside, scoured raw by the memories. I impassively watched her tears falling, then watched as she put her arms around my neck and held me close. “I’m so sorry, Kellan,” she whispered in my ear.
I loosely brought my arms around her; pain was beginning to seep through the edges of the numbness, all the more intense because I was rubbed raw. “It’s okay, Kiera. It was years ago. They haven’t hurt me in a long time.” This shouldn’t still hurt so much. I should be over it.
She held me tight, and it all became too much. I couldn’t contain the anguish, couldn’t reconstruct the wall she’d torn down. A lifetime of pain ricocheted around my body, bouncing from one corner to the other. Each hit left me bruised and battered, and I shook as silent tears coursed down my cheeks.
After several minutes, Kiera pulled back to gaze at me. She said nothing about the moisture on my skin, the redness in my tired eyes. She just brought her hands to my cheeks, wiping them dry as she held me. One last tear fell from my eye as I gazed at her beautiful, loving face. Why can’t you love me like I love you? Why can’t anyone? How awful am I?
Kiera leaned over and kissed my tear away. Her warmth seared me to the core. I need you…so much. As she pulled away, I turned toward her mouth. I didn’t mean to; it was an instinct driven by pure need. I need the pain to end…this is the only way I know how to end it.
Our lips brushed together, but neither one of us moved. Afraid to move, afraid to break this connection that was second by second depleting my grief, I held my breath. I wasn’t sure how long we sat that way, our lips pressed together, Kiera’s hands on my cheeks, but eventually I needed air. I needed to breathe, and she was the best thing I could think to inhale. Surely she’d fill the void in my chest better than oxygen ever could.
I opened my lips to suck in air…and Kiera kissed me.
Her lips moved against mine, and the tears nearly returned to my eyes…it felt so good. I returned her kiss immediately, and we softly moved against each other. I couldn’t believe she was letting me do this, and by the way she was trembling, I thought she couldn’t believe it either. The movement was warm, tender, full of depth and meaning, but it stoked a fire within me, and it wasn’t long before I wanted more…so much more. I wanted to feel her all over, kiss her all over, love her all over. I wanted all of her.
Grabbing her neck, I pulled her in for a deeper kiss. Our tongues brushed together and she groaned, then pushed me away. I instantly realized my error. I’d let it happen again, broken her rule about how close we could and couldn’t get. She was going to freak out on me, leave me. She’d be gone. I’d be alone. I couldn’t handle that, especially right now, when I still felt so vulnerable.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I thought you’d changed your mind.” Please don’t change your mind. Please don’t go.
Kiera’s face was a mixture of confusion, guilt, sadness, and desire. “No…that was my fault. I’m sorry, Kellan. This isn’t working.”
All of my fears were wrapped up in that one sentence. She couldn’t end this. I didn’t know what I’d do without her. Leaning forward, I grabbed her arm. “No, please. I’ll do better, I’ll be stronger. Please don’t end this. Please don’t leave me…” Don’t ever leave me. I love you. I can’t live without you.
Kiera bit her lip, clearly troubled by my passionate plea. “Kellan…”
I couldn’t lose her. “Please,” I begged, searching her face for some sign of hope. Don’t leave me.
A tear ran down her cheek and she choked on her words. “This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair to Denny. This isn’t fair to you.” Her voice trembled. “I’m being cruel to you.”
Sitting up on my knees, I grabbed both of her hands. “No…no you’re not. You’re giving me more than…Just don’t stop this.” Please…I’ve never had anything even close to this. I love you so much. Don’t go…
She was dumbfounded by my response. “What is this to you, Kellan?”
I looked down. I couldn’t tell her. I didn’t know what she’d do if she knew the truth. If she knew what she really meant to me, she’d run away. She’d definitely end this. I needed to bring back the carefree, casual playfulness that we’d had before. I just didn’t know how to do that at the moment. “Please,” I murmured, hoping it would be enough.
She let out a sigh heavy with disquiet. “Okay…okay, Kellan.”
I looked up at her, relieved. I’d get to keep her. At least for today, I’d get to keep her.
The week continued on peacefully after the park incident. Kiera and I didn’t talk about it again, and I was grateful for that. We also didn’t talk about how things were surely and slowly escalating between us. I was torn on that problem. I wanted us to go back to friendship; I wanted us to steamroll right into a sexual relationship. I wanted both sides of the coin with her—passion and companionship. But she already had a partner on the flip side of her coin. A partner who was growing increasingly aware of his girlfriend’s distracted attitude.
I was in the kitchen with Denny one morning, finishing my coffee while Kiera was upstairs taking a shower. Denny glanced up at the ceiling, then back down at me. “I can’t wait anymore. I have to go…Will you tell Kiera goodbye for me?”
I froze with my mug to my lips. Denny looked sad, and wary, and…worn. I instantly felt a tidal wave of guilt building in my chest. Setting my cup on the table, I nodded. “Sure, no problem.”
He nodded in return, his eyes distant. “She used to always walk me out, no matter what was going on between us. I know I’ve been working a lot, but…it’s like she’s not even trying anymore, like she doesn’t care that we’re drifting…” he muttered, clearly talking to himself. I clenched my jaw as Denny’s comment cut right to the quick. Yes, Denny’s unyielding commitment to his subpar job was a kink in their relationship, but I was pretty sure I was the real reason Kiera wasn’t as attentive as she used to be. I was causing him pain by taking away a part of the person he loved the most. I hated myself for that. He didn’t deserve any of this, but I was incapable of changing anything; I needed her too much.
“She’s probably just preoccupied with school…work.” Me.
Denny looked over at me like he’d forgotten I was there. Guess he hadn’t meant to say all of that out loud. He rarely aired their problems directly to me. I wasn’t sure if that was out of respect for Kiera, or out of fear that I might somehow take advantage of the chinks in their armor. Normally I would tell him that I’d never go there, I’d never hurt him like that…but I already had. I’d already fucked everything up, so I didn’t offer him any meaningless assurances. It was the least I could do.
Giving me a smile that still looked sad, he said, “Yeah, well, I’ll be glad when her sister gets here. Maybe hanging out with family will help.”
I could only nod. God, I was such a bastard. I should stop hanging out with Kiera. I should stop testing the limits of our relationship. I should stop dreaming about her, thinking about her, hoping for a future with her. There was no future there. Stealing her away, which I would never actually be able to do, would kill Denny. And I loved him too.
Not knowing what to tell him, I said, “Yeah, we picked a dance club to take her to. It should be fun.”
Denny tilted his head and his dark eyes narrowed. “We? Kiera told me that she found a spot she thought Anna would like. You helped?”
I could see the unasked question in his eyes and I immediately started backpedaling. I should never have lumped Kiera and me together. We weren’t a “we.” “I was standing there when she asked Griffin.” That was almost true. I had asked Griffin where we should take Anna, but Denny didn’t need to know that. I gave him a playful, mischievous smile. “You don’t want to know where he first suggested taking her.”
The suspicion softened in his eyes as he smiled. “I can only imagine.” He laughed. With one last glance upstairs, he sighed and said, “I’m gonna be late. Catch ya later, mate.”
“Bye, Denny.” I laid my head on the table after he left. I am a horrible, horrible person.
When Kiera came back downstairs, I was in the living room, looking at a program running on the TV but not really seeing it. Kiera laughed as she joined me on the couch. Pointing to the TV, she said, “Sienna Sexton? I didn’t realize you were a fan.”
I finally tuned in to what was playing—a documentary on the biggest pop star on the planet. Finding the remote, I shut it off. “I’m not,” I told her with a smile. My grin slipped as guilt washed over me. “You missed Denny leaving. He told me to tell you goodbye.”
Kiera’s expression went from amused to horrified. “Oh…” She looked down, and seemed unsure what to do with that information. Join the club.
She was a good person, and the paradox bothered her, which made me feel even worse. Even when I tried to do the right thing, I hurt her. All of this was so strange, complicated, and painful. I wished I could have her and avoid all the tangled bits, but that wasn’t my reality. I grabbed her hand and interlaced our fingers, reaffirming our profound connection. This was our reality, and I would hold on to it. Kicking and screaming if I had to.