Seeing her shivering, I reached behind me and grabbed her jacket from the backseat. My jacket was back there too, but I didn’t want it. I deserved to be cold.
I quietly handed it to her and she quietly put it on. There were no words left to say. We were as done as two people could possibly be. She was as unobtainable to me now as my dead parents, her love just as unreachable. But this time, I deserved it. I was a bastard, in every sense of the word. She was better off without me.
As I drove her home in silence, despair washed over me. I’d touched love with her, I was certain of it. Maybe temporarily, or maybe just a friendship kind of love. I wasn’t sure. But whatever it was that she’d been giving to me, it had been the best thing I’d ever felt in my entire life. And it was gone now. I’d never know it again. I was going to be alone, never knowing that kind of comfort again. And now that I’d had it, I couldn’t go back to not having it. The ache would kill me now more than ever. How did I live without love now? How did I live without her?
I could feel the breakdown coming as we pulled up to the house—my empty, meaningless house, where nothing of me existed until she put it there. I shut the car off and immediately got out. I didn’t want her to see me fall apart. And I was going to fall apart…it was coming. I was a heartbeat away from sobbing.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I unlocked the front door. My throat hitched as I walked into the entryway. I held it in as I sprinted up the stairs. Not yet. Don’t lose it yet. I closed my door behind me and paused with my hand on the wood, then I let go of my hold on the wall of crushing grief and let the sob escape me. Walking backward, I collapsed onto my bed. Bringing my dirty shoes onto the mattress, I cried into my knees.
Friend. Lover. Companion. Family. Whatever she could have been to me…I’d just lost her for the rest of my life. I had no idea how I would go on from here.
I heard the door open, but I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. She’d obviously already heard them anyway. Kiera sat beside me, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t. All I could do was cry, cry for everything I’d lost, and for everything I’d never had. I was alone. Forsaken. Unlovable. I couldn’t even comprehend why she was sitting next to me.
And then, beyond all expectation, hope, or reason, Kiera put her arm around my shoulder. Her simple act of comfort broke me. I can’t lose her. Please, God, don’t let me lose her. I need her. I’ll do anything. We’ll end this charade, we’ll go back to being purely just friends. Just don’t take her away from me tonight.
A pain-filled sob escaped me as I wrapped my arms around her and laid my head on her lap. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t hate me. The final remnants of my emotional sanity vanished as I completely lost control and bawled. It felt like hours. I emotionally released everything built up inside of me, from the pain of not having Kiera’s love to the pain of never having my parents’. I cried for hurting Kiera. I cried for betraying Denny. I cried for my nonexistent childhood. I even cried for the mountain of meaningless encounters I’d had over my lifetime, because meaningless encounters were probably all I would ever have now.
Kiera didn’t run away from my breakdown. She held me, cradled me, rubbed my back, even pulled a blanket over my shivering body and used her heat to warm me. I’d never felt so much love and comfort from another human being. Ever. Her tenderness eventually eased my sorrow, dried my tears. In a silence that was once again comforting, she held me, gently rocking me like I suppose most mothers would rock their troubled children. I wouldn’t know. My mother never had. Nobody ever had. It soothed me, and I felt sleep rushing in to fill the void left by my explosion of pain.
As I lingered in a state somewhere between awake and asleep, I started to dream. In my dream, Kiera was leaving me. I reached out for her, told her, “No,” but…she still left me. In the end, she still left me.
Chapter 23
Fantasy Is Better Than Nothing
My vision was hazy, the lights in the room too bright, but through the disorientation, I saw my father standing beside the bed. His mouth was twisted in displeasure, like it usually was. “Wake up, lazy ass. We’re not raising you to be slothful.”
I looked to the window and it was still pitch-black outside. The sun wasn’t even up yet. “It’s barely morning…” I mumbled.
My dad shook his head. “You were supposed to be up an hour ago, starting your chores, but look at you, wasting away the day…pathetic,” he told me in a condescending voice that I knew all too well.
Beside him, my mother was watching me with impassive eyes. “Why do you make everything so difficult, Kellan? We don’t expect very much from you, but you still never fail to let us down.” Her lip twisted with disappointment. I was all too familiar with that too.
My father sighed and I swung my eyes back to him. “I’ve already accepted that you won’t ever amount to much in life, but did you honestly think you’d be good enough for her, Kellan?”
I woke up with a start, panting, my heart racing. I scanned my room, trying to understand where I was, what was happening. I had a headache, a stomachache, and a sore throat. For a confused second, I thought my parents really were in my room with me, belittling me. I even looked around for them. But then I remembered last night, remembered the rain, remembered yelling at Kiera, remembered crying in her arms. I closed my eyes as the grief swept over me. Damn it. For once, I wished my nightmare was the reality, and my reality was the dream.
I’d called Kiera a whore. I’d considered screwing her in my car, whether she’d wanted it or not. God. I felt like I was going to throw up. My parents were right. I could never have her, because I didn’t deserve her.
I was still dressed in the clothes I’d been wearing last night, and Kiera was gone. I wasn’t too surprised about that. It wasn’t as if she could stay and comfort me all night. My boots were still on, and my bed was filthy. I felt filthy, but I didn’t want to change. Not yet. I needed to talk to Kiera. I needed to apologize for last night. I needed to clear the air between us, tell her the truth about her sister, beg for her forgiveness.
You’re not good enough for her…
No, I supposed I wouldn’t ever be good enough for her, but I could at least stop hurting her. I could end this. I could let her go. What happened last night would never happen again. I wouldn’t let it.
By the time I got my bereaved body out of bed, Kiera was already in the kitchen. Like she usually was when we had coffee, she was still dressed in her pajamas. She looked worn; last night had been hard for her too.
I stopped in the doorway, and Kiera looked me over with questioning eyes, like she wasn’t sure how I’d treat her this morning. I didn’t blame her for not knowing. She’d once teasingly called me moody, and on more than one occasion I’d proven her right. When it came to her, I was moody. This was just so difficult…Why did I have to love her so much?
With a heavy sigh, I joined her at the coffeepot. I needed to get this over with before I changed my mind. I held my hands up, showing her I was unarmed, physically and emotionally. “Truce?”
“Truce,” she agreed, nodding.
Leaning back against the counter, I tucked my hands behind me. I didn’t want to be tempted to touch her. I couldn’t meet her eyes, and I stared at the floor. “Thank you…for staying with me last night.”
“Kellan—”
She started to interrupt me, but I didn’t let her. “I shouldn’t have said what I did; that’s not who you are. I’m sorry if I scared you. I was so angry, but I wouldn’t ever hurt you, Kiera…not intentionally.” Finding strength in my admission, I raised my eyes to hers. “I was way out of line. I never should have put you in that position. You’re not…You are in no way a…a whore.” I looked away when I said that last part. God, I was a dick for calling her that.
“Kellan—”
Needing to finish my thought before all my courage left me, I cut her off again. “I never would have…I wouldn’t ever force you, Kiera. That’s not…I’m not…” I stopped my nonsensical jabbering and stared at the floor. Why did words fail me when I needed them the most?
Kiera’s soft voice filled the emptiness between us. “I know you wouldn’t.” She was quiet a second, then she added, “I’m sorry. You were right. I…I led you on.” Grabbing my cheek, she made me look at her. “I’m sorry for all of it, Kellan.”
She was taking too much of the blame. It wasn’t her fault that I’d lost control. It wasn’t her fault that I’d turned into a raging asshole. “No…I was just mad. I was wrong. You didn’t do anything. You don’t need to apologize for—”
Her voice was low as she spoke over me. “Yes, I do. We both know I did just as much as you. I went just as far as you did.”
No, she didn’t. She had told me over and over that she didn’t want me. I’d just refused to listen. “You clearly told me no…repeatedly. I didn’t listen…repeatedly.” I pulled her hand away from my face with a heart-filled exhale. I didn’t deserve her kindness. “I was horrible. I went too far, much too far.” Disgusted with myself, I ran a hand down my face. “I’m…I’m so sorry.”