I considered letting this kiss take us over, riling us up to the point where I laid her down on the seat and took her right here. But someone was waiting for us, and sex with her wasn’t what I had in mind tonight. Pulling away, I gave her a playful smile. “Can we do something?”
“Yes,” she moaned, reaching for my lips again.
A smirk broke over me as I avoided contact with her. “Do you need a minute?”
She wasn’t happy about my amusement or my question. She smacked my arm again and her cheeks turned bright red. Then, looking a little grumpy, she asked what I had in mind while I started the car.
Finding her disappointment funny, I laughed out, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all…riled up.” When she raised an eyebrow in disbelief, I laughed. Yeah, you got me. “Okay…yeah, maybe I did. But right now, I want to show you something.” Something you’re going to love.
She nodded, and I pulled away from the street.
Once Kiera figured out we were heading downtown, she asked me where we were going. “Well, I did promise you that we’d go up the Space Needle,” I answered.
Her expression was blank while she processed that. “Kellan…it’s two in the morning, it’s closed.”
With a smile and a wink, I assured her that everything was fine. I knew people, and those people were going to let us in…for a price.
I found a spot to park, then grabbed her hand and walked her over to where the iconic landmark was looming above us. It felt amazing to hold her hand again. I hadn’t realized just how much I’d missed it, and just how unsatisfying all of my pseudo-Kieras had been. Nothing compared to the real thing.
Expecting our arrival, thanks to Zeke, the guard on duty met us at the base of the Needle. Reaching into my pocket, I handed him the couple of hundreds that I’d grabbed from my rainy-day fund at the house. It was a pricey trip up the Needle, but it was worth every penny. And what else did I have to use my parents’ money on? It wasn’t like I needed much. Just Kiera.
Satisfied, the guard led us up to the elevators. Kiera noticed the payoff. Eyes wide, she whispered, “How much did you give him?” as the elevator doors closed.
I told her not to worry about it. The house wasn’t the only thing my parents had left me. There had also been life insurance policies, savings accounts, and a lifetime of abuse and neglect. There was always that.
The elevator started rising and Kiera gasped and pressed herself against the wall. The elevator’s glass doors gave its riders an impressive view of the city, but it was clear from the absence of color on Kiera’s face that she wasn’t entirely enjoying it. Grabbing her chin, I tilted her head so she was looking at me, not the ground we were leaving behind. “You’re completely safe, Kiera.”
I gave her a soft kiss, which led to a deeper kiss, which led to a breathless kiss. The guard cleared his throat, and that was when I noticed that the elevator had stopped. Oops. “I guess we’re here,” I said with a laugh.
Patting the guard on the back, I grabbed Kiera’s hands and led her out of the elevator. Her cheeks were flushed with residual embarrassment from being caught, but it only made her even more attractive. Once the elevator closed again, the room darkened. Since technically the Needle wasn’t open to visitors right now, all the regular lighting was off. Only a couple of emergency lights remained on. It made the glow of the city around us seem that much brighter, and I pulled Kiera to the edge of the inner observatory.
She paused to take it all in. “Kellan…wow…it’s beautiful.”
Leaning against the railing, I paused to take her in. “Yes, it is.” Opening my arms wide, I added, “Come here.”
She walked over and wrapped her arms around me, and I looped mine around her. Content with her in my arms, I shifted my gaze to take in the lights of the city. It really was magnificent up here.
I could feel Kiera’s eyes on me. After a moment of inspection, she whispered, “Why me?” I wasn’t sure how this conversation would begin, but explaining why she’d caught my eye seemed as good a place as any.
Shifting my gaze to her, I smiled. “You have no idea how attractive you are to me. I kind of like that.” It was just one of the many things about her that made her different. Kiera blushed in a beautifully modest way, and I paused as I pondered how to explain everything to her. “It was you and Denny…your relationship.”
I knew that wouldn’t make sense to her, so I wasn’t surprised when she frowned. “What do you mean?” she asked, threading her fingers through the hair above my ear. Suddenly faced with opening my heart, I felt my nerves spring to life and I looked back over the city. I wasn’t sure if I could do this. Kiera grabbed my cheek and made me look at her. She wanted me to stop hiding; she wanted an answer. “What do you mean, Kellan?”
With a sigh, I looked down. I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. Not with her. I needed to open up and tell her everything. Show her everything. Hopefully it didn’t hurt too much, although it couldn’t hurt as much as the thought of losing her. “I can’t explain this properly, without…without clarifying something Evan said.”
Kiera thought for a moment, then said, “When you told him, quite rudely, by the way, to back off?”
Wishing we were already past this part and she already knew, I murmured, “Yeah.”
“I don’t understand—what does that have to do with me?”
I shook my head with a sad smile. “Nothing…everything.”
She seemed amused by that. “Eventually you’re going to start making sense, right?”
I laughed and looked out over the skyline. “Yeah…just give me a minute.” Or three, or four. I can do this…
Respecting my wishes, Kiera put her head on my shoulder and held me tight. As I held her head in place and rubbed her back, I felt my unease dissolving. This wasn’t just anyone I was opening up to. This was Kiera. She had my heart, every corner of it, so what did it matter if she knew about the darkness that surrounded me? She would love me anyway. I was sure of that. My secrets were safe with her. I was safe with her.
I began quietly, because it was the only way I could get the words out. “You and Evan were right about the women. I’ve been…using them…for years.” I’d been too angry at the time to admit it to myself when Evan had cornered me about it in the back room, but now I could clearly see what I’d been doing to women my entire life as I’d aimlessly searched for a connection with someone. Anyone. I’d used them to make myself feel better. To make myself feel worthwhile, even if it was just for a moment.
Kiera had an odd, hurt expression on her face. “For years? Not just because of me?”
Smiling, I tucked some hair behind her ear. “No…although that certainly made it worse.” So much worse. I’d been completely obsessed with finding a distraction, a replacement. I’d been so stupid. There was no replacing her.
Kiera shifted her stance, a little uncomfortable. “You shouldn’t use people, Kellan…for any reason.”
I found that response ironic, and I called her on it. “You didn’t use me, to block out Denny our first time?” I knew she had. The way she’d been drowning her sorrows in alcohol…she’d gulped me down with just as much ferocity. She’d used me to abolish Denny in her mind. Embarrassed by the truth, Kiera averted her eyes. I grabbed her chin and made her look at me again. “It’s okay, Kiera. I suspected that.”
Letting her go, I looked out over the water on the other side of the Needle. “It didn’t stop me from believing we might have had a chance, though. I spent that whole damn day wandering around the city, trying to figure out how to tell you…how much I loved you, without sounding like an idiot.”
“Kellan…”
While Kiera said my name, memories of every place I’d gone that day flooded me. I’d been so scared to tell her how I felt that I had left her alone, and probably believing that I didn’t care about her at all. No wonder she’d instantly taken Denny back. She’d probably thought I was an unfeeling asshole.
Returning my eyes to her, I confessed my pain. “God…when you went right back to him, like we were nothing at all, that killed me. I knew it…The minute I finally came home, and heard you two upstairs, I knew we didn’t have a chance.” I couldn’t keep the remembered anger from my voice.
Kiera blinked when I was finished. “You heard us?” she asked, confused. I had given her some lie about seeing his jacket, if I was recalling that night correctly. I’d been pretty wasted.
Looking down, I cringed. I probably should have left that out. “Oh…yeah. I came back and heard you guys in your room, getting…reacquainted. That…pretty much sucked. I grabbed a fifth, headed to Sam’s, and, well, you know how that turned out.” With me shit-faced.
By the shock in her voice, it was clear she hadn’t known any of that. “Kellan, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Kiera.” I glanced at her, then looked away. “I was such a dick to you afterwards. I’m sorry about that.” Kiera grimaced when I gave her a sheepish smile. Apparently, she agreed with me. “I’m sorry, I tend to lose the filter on my mouth when I’m angry…and no one seems to be able to make me angrier than you.” Wasn’t that the truth?