Gently removing her arms from around my neck, I intertwined our fingers. “There was a time when I would have been fine with this. I would have taken any part of you that you wanted to give to me and found a way to deal with the rest…” I ran our laced fingers over her cheek. She relaxed, but she still looked scared. “I want to be the kind of man you deserve to have.” She started to speak, but I stopped her with our fingers over her lips. “I want to be honorable—”
She pulled our fingers away. “You are. You are a good man, Kellan.”
“I want to be the better man, Kiera…and I’m not.” With a sigh, I looked up at the ceiling, where Denny was sleeping away, oblivious to the turmoil beneath him. He deserved a much better friend than me. Returning my eyes to Kiera, I said, “Last night wasn’t the honorable thing to do, Kiera…not under Denny’s nose like that.”
Her jaw clenched and her eyes watered. I realized my poor choice of words instantly. “No…I didn’t mean, you’re not…I wasn’t trying to insult you, Kiera.” I held her close. Why couldn’t the words ever come out the way I wanted them to? I should have written this to her in a song, that would have been easier.
“Then what are you trying to say, Kellan?”
She sniffled and I knew she was crying. I was so bad at this…and it was only going to get worse. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath…and took the plunge. “I want you to leave him…and stay with me.” Scared out of my mind, I slowly reopened my eyes. Okay, Kiera…rip my heart out. I’m ready.
She only stared at me in disbelief though. Maybe she never thought I’d ask her to choose. She had to know this couldn’t go on forever. Feeling courageous, since she hadn’t outright dismissed me, I told her, “I’m sorry. I was going to be stoic, and say nothing for as long as you wanted me, but then we made love…and I’ve, I’ve never had that…and I just can’t go back to being who I was before. I want you and only you and I can’t bear the thought of sharing you. I’m sorry.”
I knew I was ranting, but now that I’d opened my heart, I couldn’t stop. I looked down. “I want to be with you the right way—in the open. I want to walk into Pete’s with you on my arm. I want to kiss you every time I see you, no matter who’s looking. I want to make love to you without fear of someone finding out. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night. I don’t want to feel guilty about something that makes me feel so…whole. I’m sorry, Kiera, but I’m asking you to choose.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared at me in shock. Was it really so surprising that I wanted to be her one and only? She was my only…
I watched her face as she wrestled with opposing desires. Finally, she whispered, “You’re asking me to destroy him, Kellan.”
Grief overwhelmed me and I closed my eyes. “I know.” Why did it have to be Denny’s girl I fell for? Tears clouded my vision when I reopened them. “I know. I just…I can’t share you. The thought of you with him, it kills me, now more than it ever did before. I need you. All of you.”
Her eyes flared with panic, and her breath sped up. I understood. I knew what I was asking of her. “What if I don’t choose you, Kellan? What will you do?”
A tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek as I turned away. What would I do without her? “I’ll leave, Kiera. I’ll leave, and you and Denny can have your happily ever after.” That’s how it should be anyway. I looked back at her. “You wouldn’t even need to tell him about me. Eventually, the two of you…” Anguish ripped through my throat, choking me and cracking my voice. Another tear dripped from my eye. “The two of you would get married…” no…marry me, “…and have children…” no…have my children, “…and have a great life.” How will I live without you?
Kiera swallowed with a pained noise. Could she see my agony? “And you?” she asked. “What happens to you in that scenario?”
I die a little each day we’re apart.
“I…get by. And I miss you, every day.”
Every hour, every minute…every second.
A sob escaped Kiera, and she grabbed my face and kissed me hard, like she was trying to erase my painful words. I felt completely raw, scoured from the inside out. That awful future seemed far too probable. When we broke apart, we were breathless. Tears streamed from the both of us as we rested our foreheads together. It doesn’t have to be this hard, Kiera. Choose me. I’ll give you everything…“Kiera…we could be amazing together,” I pleaded.
“I need more time, Kellan…please,” she whispered.
Time? Asking for time wasn’t saying no…not yet. I gave her a soft kiss. “Okay, Kiera. I can give you time, but not forever.” A few more days…I can give her that. I can give myself that.
We kissed again while our breaths and tears calmed. We weren’t ending today. We weren’t over yet. “I don’t want to hang around the house with him today. I’m going over to Evan’s.”
Kiera clutched me like I’d just said I was going off to war. Maybe she thought I was running away. I wasn’t. Not yet. If and when I left, she would know. “I’ll see you at Pete’s tonight. I’ll be there.” I’m not leaving today. I gave her one more kiss, then pulled away from her.
“Wait…now? You’re leaving now?” I could hear the desire in her voice for me to stay, and it tore at me, just like it always had.
Running my hands down her hair, I cupped her cheeks. “Spend the day with Denny. Think about what I said. Maybe you’ll be able to…” Decide if you really want me.
I couldn’t say it, so I gave her a final kiss instead. With a wistful smile, I turned and left the room. Everything in my body wanted to return to her, but I needed to leave now, while I could, and maybe, when I saw her again, she’d know what she wanted. Even if that wasn’t me.
Chapter 29
An Inappropriate Goodbye
I started having a panic attack in the car. My heartbeat spiked; my breath came out in sharp puffs. I felt like I was running flat-out up a steep hill. My legs even felt like they were cramping. What had I done? I’d given her an ultimatum. I’d basically begun the process of shoving her away from me. Fuck, I was an idiot. Or was I finally being smart? Hard to say. There was such a fine line between wisdom and imbecility.
I hung out with Evan until it was time to meet the guys at Pete’s. I could have avoided that and just arrived minutes before it was time to play, but I didn’t want anything to look out of the ordinary. I was the last one to arrive at the bar, the last one to enter its doors. My eyes locked onto Kiera the second I stepped inside. She mouthed Hi in such a delightful yet erotic way that my heart skipped a beat. I nodded a greeting back to her, then took a step toward her. I couldn’t hug her in this crowd, but I could companionably sling my arm around her shoulder. Right?
She shook her head when she noticed me approaching though. I wasn’t sure why, until her gaze slid over to the band’s table. I followed her line of sight and immediately understood. Denny was here. Again. Goddammit. I’d really hoped I could avoid him today. But I couldn’t. Nothing out of the ordinary, that was how I was planning on getting through this.
I gave Kiera a longing look as I let myself imagine wrapping my arms around her, then I turned toward the table. Let the charade begin.
Matt was starting to sit down beside Denny when I approached. Denny was…beaming. He looked so stinking happy, it made my heart drop. Why was he in such a good mood?
Careful to keep my expression neutral, I sat across the table from him. “Hey, Denny. You look…chipper?”
His smile widened. “It was a beautiful day today. What’s not to be happy about?”
Evan flashed me a glance that spoke a thousand words. He wouldn’t be so happy if he knew about you and Kiera. I already knew that, so I kept my mouth shut. If Denny was having a good day, I wasn’t about to burst his bubble. I had a feeling that explosion would injure me just as much as him.
Refocusing on Denny, I slapped on a breezy smile. “That’s true. How about a round on me?” I pointed at his empty beer by his half-eaten plate of food.
Griffin was all over that. Standing, he whistled to Rita at the bar. “Beer wench! Five cold ones!”
Rita narrowed her eyes like she was about to chuck all five bottles at Griffin’s head. Then a slow smile passed over her lips and she nodded and called Kiera over. I was pretty certain Griffin’s drink was going to have some extra body fluids in it. Hopefully Kiera didn’t mix up the bottles.
When Kiera approached our table, drinks in hand, she kept throwing concerned glances my way. It made her look like she had a nervous tic. I wanted to assure her that I was fine. Yeah, hanging out with Denny was awkward, and it made me feel really guilty, but I liked Denny, and if I could somehow push all of my inner turmoil aside, I didn’t mind spending time with him.
Kiera passed out the beers. Griffin’s was last. She watched him take a sip of his drink with clear disgust on her face. She always looked like that around him though, so it didn’t seem too odd to the others. A quick peek at Rita laughing behind the bar confirmed my suspicions—Griffin’s beer was…special. Rita winked at me, and with a brief smile and a tilt of my unspecial beer, I shifted my attention back to Kiera. Denny was thanking her for his drink…with his lips.