Despise.
Loathe.
It’s my biggest pet peeve in life.
And here I am, struggling into my shoes as I yank my shirt over my head, no time to blow my hair dry, so it’s in a bun on top of my head, and I have no makeup on.
My alarm didn’t go off this morning, and I overslept. And I never oversleep. What is happening to me?
Just as I’m about to dash out the door to class, my phone rings, and like an idiot, I hit accept rather than ignore.
This is not my day.
“Hello?”
“Hey, beautiful,” Ryan says with a sing-song voice, making me stop in the doorway.
“What’s up, Ryan? I’m in a hurry.” And I don’t ever want to talk to you again.
“I was just thinking about you. I haven’t seen you in a while. Where have you been?”
“Remember when I told you I was going to a retreat for two weeks? These are those two weeks.” I roll my eyes. Ryan rarely paid attention to details that didn’t affect him.
“I didn’t realize you were really going to that,” he says, annoyance heavy in his voice. “I thought we said it was a silly thing to go to.”
“No, you said that.” I check the time. “What do you need, Ryan? I’m late for class.”
“I want to see you,” he says simply.
“You want to fuck me,” I reply.
“Yes.”
“No.” I shake my head and sit on the edge of the bed. Who cares if I’m a couple minutes late?
“No? Are you seeing someone?”
“I don’t have to be seeing someone else to say no to you,” I reply, my voice strong. “But no, I’m not. However, you are.”
“You must be mistaken.”
“Nope. I’m not. I heard your conversation with Pamela, Ryan. You don’t like me, but you like to fuck me. And if I remember correctly, you were going to call me and break it off for good. Which you didn’t do. But let me just save you the trouble.”
“No, there was no reason to call because I broke things off with Pam.” He sounds panicked now. “There’s no reason for us to stop seeing each other, Char.”
“Yeah, there is.” I sigh and shake my head. “You don’t even like me, remember?”
“That wasn’t true, baby.”
God, I’m weak when he calls me baby like that. And he knows it. Bastard.
“Either way, I’m done, Ryan. It’s time for both of us to move on.”
“Let’s talk about this when you get home,” he says soothingly. “Don’t make any rash decisions.”
“Whatever. I’m late. Goodbye.” I hang up, turn my ringer off, and hurry out of my room. I’m not going to let him talk his way back into my pants again. I was okay with the friends with benefits thing, but I’m not okay with the just benefits thing. No way.
I rush into the room, already quiet, and cringe when a few people glance over my way. I hurry to my seat next to Heidi and get settled as quickly as I can.
“Are you okay?” she whispers.
“No alarm,” I whisper back.
“You haven’t missed anything yet,” she says.
Simon isn’t looking at me, which is good. It would only make me more uncomfortable. He’s walking across the stage, talking expressively with his hands. He has a mic attached to his ear, so his hands are free, and I love watching him speak. He’s an excellent public speaker. He’s calm, comfortable.
Sexy as all get out.
“So, we’re going to take a bit of a detour today, ladies. We’ve spent the past eight days talking about self-esteem, goals, how to achieve those goals, networking, etc. Today we’re going to talk about your love lives.”
“It’s about time!” Someone calls out from the audience, making us all smile.
“Some portions of today are going to be fun, and others will be uncomfortable. That’s okay. You can ask me anything, and I’ll do my best to answer your questions.”
Hands are thrown into the air, but Simon holds his own hands up in surrender.
“Hold off on the questions for a bit. First, I’d like to speak a bit about expectation and self-worth.”
For an hour Simon works the stage, reminding us all that we are worth so much more than what we’re willing to settle for. Questions are asked and answered, and I sit here all the while, listening and getting angrier by the minute.
“If you don’t want to be a side piece, or a friend with benefits, don’t settle for that from any man.” Simon is passionate as he repeats what he’s been driving home all day. “If you want a man to be devoted to you, and to love you unconditionally, you have to do that for yourself first.”
For the better part of ten years I’ve been involved with a man who didn’t even like me. He just liked the sex. Because seriously, the sex was great. But now, as I sit here and listen to Simon talk about not settling for less than you deserve, I realize that this is exactly what I’ve been doing all of my adult life.
It’s been my choice. I knew that until I found the one, I was content with casual relationships. But at the same time, it makes me feel cheap. And so fucking mad. At Ryan, at myself, and even at Simon for bringing all of this shit up.
Just before class is over for the day, I gather my things and leave. I can’t listen to it any more.
“Charly!”
I stop halfway down the hall to the elevators and see Violet hurrying to me.
“Are you okay?”
“Peachy,” I reply. “I need to be done with today.”