May 3
Dear Journal,
I don’t fit in here. Not that I expected to. But I honestly didn’t realize how different—how weird—I really am. And I don’t mean just different from the band. I’m not even slightly normal. A stranger called me a geek in front of more than ten thousand people and instead of standing up for myself, I ran back to the bus to write about it in my journal. Who does that?
Why is it so easy for me to write down how I feel but so hard for me to say it?
I should have stayed. I was right there in the middle of it all, getting great footage for the book, and I panicked.
I’m not sure I’m doing a good job. I could use a little feedback. I really need to call Susan and talk to her about my progress and see if she has suggestions—Mom is going to be so mad at me for not checking in with my editor today—but the woman makes me nervous. She’s so loud. And those text messages she keeps sending aren’t putting my fears at ease. Six of them today. All asking if she should come take my place or if I was on my way home. I know she wanted to do this project and she’s made it perfectly clear that she thinks the only reason I was allowed to do such an important job is because my mom owns the company. But I’m qualified for this job. I have all the education and skills to pull it off. I know that, even if no one else does.
So why do I feel like I’m doomed to fail? Maybe because I’ve been having so much fun that it doesn’t feel like work. Or maybe it’s because I feel so alienated. No one is making me feel that way—I’m doing it to myself. I realize that. But knowing I’m my own worst enemy doesn’t make me feel any better.
Enough about my stupid insecurity.
I’d rather talk about more interesting people.
I’m really confused about Reagan. She was flirting with and kissing on Trey Mills—he saw her in her underwear—so it seemed like she was in a relationship with him. But she also keeps flirting with and touching this other guy—some really dark and gorgeous security guard (I need to find out what his name is)—and I thought it was harmless, but I heard him in the dressing room with her and I think they were having sex. So is she cheating on Trey or is she cheating on the security guard or is it possible to have more than one lover at a time? I don’t know how anyone could keep up with more than one man. I’m having a hard enough time keeping up with Logan. He mentioned today that he’s had sex with more than one person at a time, so I guess it happens. I just don’t think I’d be able to do something like that.
Oh Logan. He’s so . . . alive. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who approaches life the way he does. Balls out and full throttle. Haha! He does some crazy stuff, like bungee jumping and freestyle motocross and who knows what else. I’d never be able to do any of that stuff. But it’s pretty impressive that he does. I wish I was as brave as he is.
I’m learning so much from him about sex. And he’s really nice to me and patient and doesn’t make fun of me when I don’t know what I’m doing, but I don’t think he has the same feelings for me that I have for him. His actions confuse me. He’s very possessive—he even punched Dare Mills because I hugged him. And he said he liked me, but he also said that he couldn’t be trusted to be monogamous.
Maybe asking him to teach me how to be a good lover was a mistake. I’m obviously not good at keeping emotions out of a sexual relationship. I know when we have to part ways at the end of this job that never seeing him again is going to be unbearably painful, but that doesn’t stop me from going back for more.
I still haven’t gotten to talk much to Steve and Max. I did talk to Dare for a while this evening, but mostly because he was trying to get back at Logan for punching him. Dare seems like a really nice guy, but I don’t think I’d want to get on his bad side. I wonder if Dare knows that Reagan is cheating on his brother. Would he tell Trey if he knew? I don’t want to cause problems, so I don’t think I should ask him, but I do think I would want to know if Logan was sleeping with other women. There’s definitely plenty of opportunity for him to do so.
It would be nice if I had someone to talk to about all this. I’m so mixed up right now. Do I even have a right to demand he has sex with no one but me? If he did stray, I’d want to know because I think fidelity is important.
And then I guess we’d have to part ways. Would I be able to give him up?
Why do I always get so hung up on could-happens and planning my reactions to potential occurrences? I wish I could be more like Logan and not worry about such things. I guess he has more to teach me than just sex.
The rest of the day was busy and tonight I need to go through my notes and footage so I can get organized and figure out what other clips I need to gather at the next show.
Tomorrow is a travel day and I start the one-on-one interviews with the band members. I hope they trust me enough to give me some good insight into their lives.
I’m intensely curious about the woman in Dare’s past who took her own life and was apparently pregnant with Max’s child. Her name was Vic. I don’t think it’s proper to ask about her. It’s too personal to put in the book anyway.
But I can’t help but be curious.
It’s suddenly quiet in the arena. I think the concert is over. I better pull myself together before I have to face the band again.
Good night, Journal.
Hopelessly confused about Logan’s feelings,
Toni
Sixteen
Toni started when the sliding door banged open. She shoved her small pink journal into her messenger bag and looked up, surprised to see a winded, sweaty, red-faced Logan staring at her with wide eyes.
“Are you okay?” he asked, breathless.
She wrinkled her brow and glanced sideways. “Uh, yeah,” she said. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You ran off early in the show and never returned. I thought . . .” He wiped a hand over his face. “I’m not sure what I thought. I’m not used to worrying about other people, but apparently I begin to think they died or something.”
“In a gutter?”
“Obviously in a gutter. Where else would you die?”
She chuckled, flattered that he’d been worried about her. “Nope, I’m not dead. In a gutter or otherwise. I just needed to be alone for a while.”
“Why?”
“I take it you don’t hang around with many introverts.”
“You mean like Dare?”