There’s a huge pause. I’m feeling slightly as though I want to throw myself to Biddy’s knees and hug her.
“No,” I admit at last. “It’s not. It’s not at all.”
“No one’s life has to be perfect.” Biddy leans over and puts an arm round me, tight. “Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, love. Whoever started the rumor that life has to be perfect is a very wicked person, if you ask me. Of course it’s not! And none of this nonsense about breaking your dad’s heart,” she adds. “How could you ever break his heart?”
Slowly, almost not daring to, I raise my eyes to meet Dad’s. Dad’s eyes. They’ve been my benchmark all my life, my North Pole. I gaze into their blue depths, allowing myself to see his love, burning amid the twinkles. And just a few splinters, still.
I think Biddy hasn’t got it quite right. I think maybe I did break Dad’s heart a little. But maybe I did that just by growing up.
“Love…” Dad exhales slowly. “I’m sorry. I know what it must look like to you. And I’ll be honest: I’m not the greatest fan of London. But if you like it, maybe I’ll come to like it.” He glances at Biddy and hastily amends: “I will come to like it.”
“Well, you may not need to.” I make an attempt at a lighthearted laugh. “If I stay unemployed.”
“Those bastards…” Dad instinctively clenches a fist, and Biddy puts a soothing hand on his arm.
“Mick,” she says. “Katie’s a grown-up. She’ll find her way. Let her do that. And now we’d better all get on, don’t you think?” As she stands up, she winks at me, and I can’t help smiling back.
I’m not quite up to rejoining the merry singsong round the campfire. So I wander along to the kitchen, thinking I’ll have some tea—to find Demeter sitting at the table, dressed in dry clothes with a towel turban round her head.
“Oh.” I stop dead. “Hi.”
“I just bumped into Biddy,” says Demeter. “She told me I might find you here. Katie, I need to apologize. I didn’t mean to betray your confidence.”
“Don’t worry, it’s fine.” I shrug awkwardly. “I was planning to tell my dad, anyway. It just forced my hand a bit.”
“Even so. I shouldn’t have, and I’m truly sorry.” Demeter fiddles with her sleeve for a few seconds, her face drawn. “I gather I owe you thanks too,” she adds, darting me a glance. “I hear you were very helpful with Coco. Hal told me.”
“Right.” I nod. I can understand that. Poor Hal seemed a bit freaked out by the whole thing. He probably saw his mum and couldn’t help blabbing the whole story.
“And I don’t know what you said to them, Katie, but Hal had put a bouquet of flowers on my bed. He’d gathered them from the garden, so I’ll have to apologize to Biddy,” she adds with a short laugh. “And Coco was—” She breaks off, her eyes wide. “I’ve never heard Coco so conciliatory. So mature.”
“Well, I guess she’s started looking at the world from your point of view a bit more. Demeter…” I hesitate. How on earth do I put this? “I think you could be a bit tougher on your kids,” I say at last. “I think they take you for granted.”
There’s a long pause. Demeter is still twiddling at her sleeve. She’s going to wear it away to a shred if she doesn’t stop.
“I know.” She breathes out. “But it’s not easy. I barely ever see them. I feel so guilty. So when they ask for things I just want to please them.”
“You’re a totally different person with your kids from how you are at the office.” I try to impress this on her. “Totally different. And not in a good way.”
“I know.” She looks a bit bleak. “But when we have such a short time together, the last thing I want is to cause a row….”
“It can’t be easy,” I say. “With your husband away and everything…I overheard your conversation in the barn,” I add bluntly. “Sorry.”
“No. Don’t worry. We weren’t exactly discreet.” Demeter exhales strongly. “That situation is definitely a work-in-progress.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again. “I mean…I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.”
“It’s fine.” She leans back in her chair, her eyes closed as though she’s tired, and I see the fine lines round her eyes. “No, it’s not fine, it’s difficult. Getting the balance between two careers and children…” She exhales, sitting back up again. “James has been trying desperately not to want this big job, because of the pressure it would place on me. Meanwhile, I’ve been so preoccupied by work, I haven’t even noticed. But we’ll get there. Maybe rethink everything—” She cuts herself off. “Anyway. What am I saying? It won’t be a problem anymore, will it? From now on I’ll be around at home all the time.” She gives me a bleak smile. “One advantage of losing my job.”
“What?” I say in horror. “Don’t say that. It’s not going to happen.”
“Oh, Katie, you’re very sweet, but I can’t dodge the bullet anymore. Alex and I have agreed to leave the subject for this evening, but tomorrow…” She shrugs. “He wants a meeting at ten A.M. to go over some of the official stuff. The package, waivers…that kind of thing. There’s a process when someone leaves a job,” she adds wryly. “As you know.”