“So after you were expelled…”
“I went to another military school and swore to myself that I’d never let myself get beaten up again. In the future, I’d be the one throwing the first punch. So I learned to fight. I studied it, practiced it. And after that, if someone ever grabbed me, I’d just… lose it. It was like I was a little kid again. I got expelled over and over, barely made it through, and after I graduated, it sort of snowballed from there. Like I said, I used to be pretty messed up.” He took a few steps in silence. “Anyway, all that came into play during the court proceedings.”
“How do you get along with your parents right now?”
“Like my sisters, it’s a work in progress. Right now, they have a restraining order against me.”
A stunned expression crossed her face and he went on.
“I was arguing with my parents the night before I went to Arizona and I ended up pinning my dad against the wall. I wasn’t going to hurt him and I kept telling him that – I just wanted them to listen to me – but it scared the hell out of my parents. They didn’t press charges – or I wouldn’t be here – but they did get a court order that prohibits me from being at their house. They don’t necessarily enforce it now, but it’s still in place, probably to keep me from ever thinking about moving back in.”
She studied him. “I still don’t understand how you can just… change. I mean, what if you get angry again?”
“I still get angry. Everyone does. But I’ve learned different ways to cope with it. Like not going to bars or doing drugs, and I never have more than a couple of beers when I’m with my friends. And being really physical every day – training hard, pushing myself – helps keep my moods in check. I also learned a lot of helpful things at the hospital, different ways to cope. The whole experience ended up being one of the better things I’ve ever done.”
“What did you learn there?”
“Deep breathing, walking away, letting thoughts bounce off, or trying to accurately name the emotion when it strikes in the hopes of diminishing its power… it’s not easy, but it becomes a habit after a while. It takes a lot of effort and a lot of conscious thought, but if I wasn’t doing all of these things, I’d probably have to go back on lithium, and I hate that crap. It’s a good drug for a lot of people and it works, but I just didn’t feel like myself when I used to take it. It was like part of me wasn’t quite alive. And I was always starving, no matter how much I ate. I ended up gaining weight, getting fat. I’d rather train a few hours a day, do yoga, meditate, and avoid places where I might get into trouble.”
“Is it working?”
“So far,” he answered. “I just take it one day at a time.”
As they walked farther down the beach, the music gradually faded beneath the sound of waves rolling up the shore. Beyond the dunes, businesses had given way to houses, lights glowing through the windows. The moon had risen higher, bathing the world in an ethereal glow. Ghost crabs scuttled from one spot to the next, scurrying at their slow approach.
“You’re very open about all of this,” Maria observed.
“I’m just answering your questions.”
“Aren’t you worried what I might think?”
“Not really.”
“You don’t care what other people think about you?”
“To a certain extent I do. Everyone does. But if you’re going to make a judgment about me, then you need to know who I really am, not just the part I decide to tell you. I’d rather be honest about all of it and let you make the call as to whether you want to keep talking to me or not.”
“Have you always been like this?” She peered up at him with genuine curiosity.
“What do you mean?”
“Honest? About… everything?”
“No,” he said. “That came about after I got back from the hospital. Along with all the other changes I decided to make in my life.”
“How do people react to it?”
“Most don’t know what to make of it. Especially at first. Evan still doesn’t. And I don’t think you do, either. But it’s still important to me to be truthful. Especially with friends, or someone I think I might see again.”
“Is that why you told me? Because you think you might see me again?”
“Yes,” he answered.
For a few seconds, she wasn’t sure what to make of that.
“You’re an interesting man, Colin,” she said.
“It’s been an interesting life,” he admitted. “But you’re interesting, too.”
“Trust me, compared to you, I’m the furthest thing from interesting.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But you haven’t run away yet.”
“I still might. You’re kind of scary.”
“No, I’m not.”
“For a girl like me? Believe me, you’re a little scary. This is probably the first time I’ve ever spent an evening with a guy who talks about stomping on people’s heads in bar fights or pinning his father against the wall.”
“Or has been arrested. Or went to a psychiatric facility…”
“Those things, too.”
“And?”
She brushed at a few windblown strands of hair. “I’m still deciding. Right now, I have no idea what to think about everything you’ve said. But if I suddenly take off running, don’t try to catch me, okay?”
“Fair enough.”