She’s right; I played games to keep her from getting too close.
By trying to protect her, all I did was screw with her mind and hurt her anyway.
I look over at her sleeping form, and for the first time since we lost Coop and she ran, I allow myself to breathe without the fear holding me hostage. I let go of the bone-crushing thought that she’s going to disappear and allow myself to feel. It would be easy to take what she was so willing to give me. To feel the blessing of her love shining on me.
With the floodgates open wide, I let the love I feel for this woman out. It will bring me to my knees if I let it. I don’t want to keep pushing her away, but how do you take something that has been integrated into your mind for so long go and move on? How do you change your whole outlook on life with just a hope that everything you’ve ever experienced from those who should love you was wrong?
“Em?”
She doesn’t even flinch. I remember that, when I saw her earlier, she looked exhausted. I know she’s been dealing with a lot from losing Coop. Hell, we all have, but the Emmy I know is always so full of life.
After twisting from my seat and climbing from the car, I make my way over to her door. My leg has been driving me crazy this week, my stump getting sore from overuse, and I know I did too much with my stunt back at the club. I’m usually good about not overdoing it. I can go about my life almost the same as before, but sometimes, I have down moments. This is quickly becoming one of those times. All I want to do is get this thing off me.
She all but falls into my arms when I swing her door open. I adjust her and take the brunt of her weight, as slight as it may be, on my good side before making my way into the hotel. It’s the nicest place I could find within a thirty-minute drive of Syn, and it’s only five minutes away from the place she’s been staying. I would have gotten something nicer, but I didn’t want to be too far from her. It was bad enough that I hadn’t physically seen her to make sure she was okay in weeks, so this was the best-case scenario for me.
I make the long walk to my room, struggle for a second to get the door open and not drop Em, and then settle her down on the bed. Not one second does she stir, showing me just how exhausted she really is.
Reaching out, I brush one of her honey-blond strands behind her ear. Her lips twitch and she sighs in her sleep. My heart picks up speed when she murmurs my name. Even in her sleep, she’s completely devoted to me.
Why can’t I let go of every fear I’ve ever known and trust that this might be the one person I don’t completely screw up?
I make quick work of stripping off my clothes and removing my prosthetic. My leg is already feeling slightly better now that I know I’ll be able to get off my feet for the night. I carefully move my body towards where she is curled into herself in the middle of the king-sized bed. She continues to sleep contentedly as I pull her into my body and yank the covers over our bodies. With as tired as she is, I just hope that I can catch a few hours of sleep before I need to put my leg back on. I don’t want her to know before I have a chance to ease her into it. It’s been my experience that, when they aren’t prepared for it, the shock is greater, and as much as it hurts to think that she could have this reaction, they’re sometimes disgusted by it. But, like it or not, it’s part of who I am now, and if I’m going to let her in, then she needs to see me for me—flaws and all.
In all the years I’ve known her and dreamt about having her in my arms, there is nothing that could ever have prepared me for the sense of peace that settles my soul by having her here.
**
I should have known better than to let my guard down. I wake up screaming, the events that have haunted me nightly since I lost my leg playing out in an endless loop. Only this time, it isn’t Morris’s lifeless body I pull away—it’s Emmy’s. I never thought that nightmare would get worse until I envisioned her lying there, dead.
Gasping for air, I try to bring myself back from the tangled web of pain that always follows my nightmares. I try to remember that I’m not back there, I’ve overcome the aftermath of that dark day, and I’m in control now. I’m alive. Emmy is alive.
FUCK! Emmy…
As trepidation fills my veins with ice-cold fear, I look over to her and prepare myself for her revolution. I try to close off myself to what it will do if she hates me now—or worse, if she fears me. My world is rocked to its very core when I take in her pale, tear-streaked face. Her sobs are so violent that they’re shaking the bed, and for the first time since she walked into my life, I have no idea what she’s thinking.
We stare at each other for the longest time. She seems unsure of what to do and say. I’m terrified that, if I move, she’s going to crack. Seeing the pain I’ve caused yet another person because of my demons is slowly killing me. I knew this would happen. I feared this. But despite my best efforts, here we are and she’s seen me at my worst.
I surrender to the pain and drop my head, running my hand over my scalp and wishing that I hadn’t shaved it off so that I would at least have something to pull. To make my body feel pain over my fucking heart.
When I feel her cold hand against my back, I jump, causing her to pull her arm back and cry harder.
“Please…please don’t push me away, Maddox,” she begs between her tears. “I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.”
After whipping my head around, I hold her eyes and try to make sense of her words. Push her away? Jesus… I’ve never wanted more than to pull her into my arms and forget everything that weighs me down.
“Let. Me. In,” she pleads. “Please let me in.”
“God, Em. You’ve always been in.”
She lets out a shuddered breath and takes a hesitant inch towards me. Her kneeling body moves slowly with the fear I’ve helped plant in her mind that I’ll reject her. I’ve done this to her and I vow to do my best to never make her doubt my need for her.
Her hand comes up from the bed and extends out for me again, her palm caressing my cheek as she takes the last few scoots on her knees to reach me. My eyes never leave hers as I reach out and finally meet her in the middle. I can see the relief in her eyes when, for the first time in years, I take what she’s been offering me. My arm goes behind her back, my hand lightly digging in when I curl it around her ribs and pull her into my chest.