I bit my tongue to stop the automatic apology for having any part in his uncertainty. He knew I loved him and he knew I was sorry. The shrink was right. We had a risky job and the situations could have easily been reversed and I could be the one trying to figure out what was next, and there was no way I would ever hold Dom accountable for that.
“I’m working on both of those things, success and happiness.” Watching Asa struggle all the time really drove home how important it was to find some kind of peace with my life and what was going on in it.
He lifted both of his eyebrows at me and we finally ordered a couple of burgers from the waitress that was now openly flirting with him.
“Oh yeah? Who’s making you happy?” That was why I loved Dom with my entire being. He just knew me so well.
I bit on the corner of my lip. His eyes widened at me and his nostrils flared a little as he deciphered my expression.
“It’s the guy we arrested a couple months ago, isn’t it? I knew something was up when you were so anxious to push his paperwork through when his sister showed up to bail him out.”
I nodded a little bit and then rested my elbow on the table so I could put my chin in my hand. “I like him … more than like him, really.”
“He has a pretty nasty record.” Of course Dominic would remember that.
“I know. He won’t let me forget about it, in fact.”
Dom chuckled. “Well, at least he knows he’s not good enough for you.”
I tapped the edge of my fingernails on the top of the table and narrowed my eyes at my best friend. “Don’t say that. He tiptoes around all these … feelings.” I wasn’t sure what else to call the currents that dragged the two of us around when we got together. “Because he thinks something tragic is going to happen and I’m going to be forced to walk away from him. I’m trying to pull him closer with both hands and he’s fighting me every step of the way.”
Dom grunted. “But he’ll go to bed with you.”
I felt a fiery blush move up my throat. “Yeah, but I was the one that made all the first moves.”
“You’re chasing heartache, Royal.”
I groaned. “I know, but he’s a risk I have to take.” I was tired of thinking about my own too-hot-to-handle love life, so I switched the focus back to him. “Why does Ari think you need to get laid?” It was hilarious to hear his little sister state the fact so blandly.
He grumbled a nonanswer as the waitress finally brought our food. I didn’t miss the way she lingered by his side until he gave her a little wink and told her everything looked great. It was probably a good thing Dom wasn’t interested in the ladies, they would never stand a chance against his rugged good looks and rough-and-tumble charisma.
“I was seeing this guy—briefly. After I got home from the hospital, he never even bothered to stop by. It wasn’t like we were serious or anything, but a ‘hey, glad you didn’t die’ would’ve been nice.” He chomped on the burger a little angrily, which made me grin. “Ari thinks I need to find a boyfriend and settle down, but I’m pretty sure that’s actually Mom talking and not her.”
“Isn’t that something you want? Someone to come home to at night? Someone that you know is there for you always?”
I had never actually seen it up close and personal until I met Saint and Nash, but now, with that entire group of friends and family, I knew it existed and was beautiful. I had to admit I wanted it for myself. I wanted it with Asa.
Dom made a face and settled back in his chair. He had to shift his body and I stuck my tongue out at him when his cast banged into me.
“I don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted to be a cop, to follow in my dad’s footsteps and take care of my family.” His pitch dropped and his eyes got darker. “But now my sisters are taking care of me and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t go back to DPD, so yeah …” He trailed off. “I just don’t know. But I do know that if what you’re looking for is some easy kind of happy-ever-after, maybe you should consider looking for it with a guy that doesn’t have a criminal record as long as my arm. I know he’s gorgeous and that southern drawl is hard to resist, but you know better.”
I winced because he might as well have been talking about my mom. She had never been one to resist a pretty face and it never worked out well for her or me when I was growing up. Desperation was such an ugly and dangerous emotion.
“When you first got hurt and I couldn’t deal with it, couldn’t handle that I felt so responsible, I sort of went a little crazy.” I pushed my plate out of the way and leaned a little closer so that Dom could tell what I was saying to him was important. “I was acting irresponsible, spinning out of control, and somehow, someway, Asa was the one that kept catching me before I went all the way over the edge. I was hating on myself, my life, every choice I had ever made, and no one could stop me from choking on it except for him.”
Dom copied my pose and we were leaning into each other intently, our voices low, and the seriousness of what we were talking about thick between us. I had never felt for a guy what I felt for Asa Cross, and while Dom would never make me justify my choice, it was important that I impart to him just how serious I was about breaking through that cloak of warning and retreat Asa kept throwing up around us. Even as he stuck out a hand to lure me closer every now and again.
“He’s done a lot of wrong in his time, and instead of apologizing for it, trying to repent for it, he’s holding on to it so tightly that it’s suffocating him from the inside out. He tells me all the time he’s a bad guy, he tells me over and over that he’s capable of really bad things, and I believe him. I really do. But I also believe if he let go, just forgave himself for some of those mistakes and regrets that weigh him down, he could grow, float to the top of the ocean of past misdeeds, and become the guy he is supposed to be now. His self-loathing made me see how dangerous not being able to forgive myself for what happened to you could be.”
Dom swore. “What if he never lets it go, Royal? Are you going to sink to the bottom with him? You’re telling me you’re willing to drown for this guy that you aren’t even really dating?”
I couldn’t answer that. Every time Asa told me to go away, told me that we were bound to implode, it just made me more determined to hold on to him. When I had first started chasing him, it had been about him trying to save me from myself. Now I wasn’t sure who was trying to save who or if we were just destined to destroy each other like he seemed so certain we were.