I swallowed hard as he hovered above me. Everything inside me was at war. I wanted this so badly. I was terrified, I was eager, I was feeling sexy and desired, yet awkward and unsure. Jason paused, then swore under his breath. He was off the bed before I could ask him what the problem was, digging into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a string of condoms.
Oh. Oh, god. That made it all the more real. It was really going to happen, if I didn’t chicken out first.
He set them on the nightstand and slid onto the bed next to me, rather than above me. I traced the curve of his pectoral muscle. “I started birth control,” I said.
He seemed shocked. “You did?”
I nodded. “Yeah. My cousin Maria took me to a clinic last week. So…I’m protected, even without those.”
“Should we use them anyway?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably? Just to be…extra sure?”
He nodded, and his fingers slid along my hipbone, over my stomach and up between my br**sts. “Before this goes any further, I just wanted to tell you…I love you.”
I smiled, the wall of nerves and fear melting a bit. “I love you, too. How’d you know I needed to hear that?”
His index finger followed the swell of my breast. “I guess I just wanted you to hear it, to know how I felt before we got…involved in things, so you’d know I wasn’t just saying it in the heat of things, you know? That I really feel it. I really love you.”
I tipped my body closer to his, trying desperately to mimic his sense of comfort with his own nudity. I wanted to cover up, to pull the blankets over my body, to cross my arms over my br**sts and my legs over my privates. I didn’t, though. I summoned all my courage and let him see all of me. His gaze raked down over my body, over my br**sts and hips, my legs, and then to the “V” between my thighs.
I called up the memory of how it had felt to have him touch me there, how the detonation within me had felt. It would be worth all this awkwardness to feel that again. There was no question of that.
“Kiss me, Jason.”
He leaned into me, his lips gently settling on mine, tenderly seeking out my response. I opened my mouth to his, let my tongue explore his lips, his teeth, letting my own hunger overtake me. It wasn’t enough to erase my doubts and fears, but it was enough to let me go on despite them. His palm cupped my hipbone, tilted my body so I was flat against the bed and he hovered over me from the side, his mouth never leaving mine. My thighs were pressed tight together, and when his fingers trailed over the hollow of leg and hip, I unconsciously clamped them tighter together. His hand slid down my thigh, over the quadricep and to my knee, dipped down between my legs and began a slow path upward, trailing fire along my skin. I forced my thighs to loosen as his touch rose upward, closer and closer. I called the memory of his touch into my mind, pushed out the doubt. I made myself touch him, and then let myself get lost in the heat of his skin, the hardness of his muscles, let myself enjoy the feel of his body under my hand. I touched him everywhere I could reach, except there. Lying down in a bed, his body bare against mine…the reality of imminent sex was overwhelming, and I wasn’t sure I was ready suddenly. I didn’t want to stop his touch, though. The callused pads of his index and middle fingers were at the juncture of my thighs, and I was shaking all over, panting, our kiss broken. I felt his eyes on me, and I knew I was still clamped down too hard for him to touch me properly. I had to loosen up or put a stop to the whole thing.
“Are you sure about this, Becca? We can stop.” His voice was low, close to my ear.
Somehow his words, so concerned, so genuine, made me determined to experience this. I didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want this. I wasn’t sure, not one hundred percent; I was mostly sure, and that had to be enough.
I relaxed my knees first, then my thighs. I met his gaze, his green eyes soft and so full of so much love. I forced my muscles to go slack, and I realized as I did so that my whole body was tensed and taut, even the hand wedged between our bodies curled into a fist.
“I’m sure. I’m just…nervous,” I said.
“So am I.”
“You don’t seem like it.”
He traced a line down my thigh, then back up the other one, each touch making me alternately tense and relax. “I am, though. I’m trying to play it cool, but…I’m nervous, too.”
“Scared, or nervous?”
“Both? I don’t want to stop, though. I don’t want to you to feel pressured.”
“But you want this?”
“Absolutely.” There was no hesitation in his voice at all.
I moved my legs apart, and his touch skated into the gap, a single finger tracing my opening, an almost-tickling brush along the sensitive skin. I breathed out with the fire of his finger’s grazing up and down, let my legs fall farther apart. I realized my eyes were closed again and forced them open, met his eyes. His gaze searched me for demurral as he slipped the tip of his finger into me, and I gasped, letting my hips lift a bit. It was enough of an encouragement for him.
Oh…he’d found the perfect place to touch me, and I couldn’t help but gasp again, breathe in and tilt my head back, raise my hips, widen my thighs, and silently urge him onward. How did he know exactly what I needed? How did he know that felt so good? Was he lying about having never done this before me? No, I knew he wasn’t, but the thought crossed my mind, because his finger at my clitoris was so perfect, exactly what I needed to let desire sweep over me.
Within seconds I was at the edge of explosion, a few circles of his fingers enough to have me writhing. It didn’t take much, I realized. I’d heard other girls talking about how they couldn’t make it happen, that they’d faked it with their boyfriends, or exaggerated their reactions. I couldn’t fathom that. All it took was his touch, his fingers just there touching me, and I was lost, unable to hold back the whimpers escaping me. How could anyone fake it? How could you fake such glorious rapture? I was moaning as I came apart, my breathing ragged and my body trembling, not from nerves now but with tremors of ecstasy.
I heard something crinkle and then he was kneeling over me, his hands beside my head. I opened my eyes just in time to see his mouth descend to my breast, and he took a nipple in his mouth, drawing a groan from me. And then I felt it, a gentle pressure between my thighs. His hands were visible on either side of my face, so I knew what it was.