“Busking? What’s that?”
“Those guys who sit on the street and play with their guitar cases open? That’s busking.”
I frowned. “Oh, okay. But…okay.” I was stunned; I hadn’t seen this coming. “So you’re going to New York? In, like, a couple weeks?”
She nodded, and I could sense real excitement in her, subdued, but still there. “Yeah. I won’t just get into the college of performing arts, though. You have to audition and stuff, and it’s competitive. If I don’t get in, I’ll try other stuff. Music management maybe. I don’t know. I just know I wanted to move to New York a long time ago, and now I’m going to. I’m feeling like I finally might be able to live on more than a day-by-day basis.”
“So you’re…like, okay?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess? As much as I’ll ever be, I think. It still hurts, every single day. I think about…about him every day. I miss him. So much. But…I’m tired of being here. Maybe a change of scenery will help. Like, if I’m someplace where no one knows me, knows what I’ve been through, I can sort of start over, you know? Be someone new.”
I wanted to tell her that your problems tended to follow you, because they were inside you, but I held my tongue. I’d be a stutterer no matter where I lived, and all I could do was accept that fact and be content with who I was despite it. Jason had helped me with that, although I’d never told him so. He’d accepted me, loved me despite my stutter, and hadn’t minded when I stumbled over my words, or hit blocks because I was nervous or excited. Knowing he loved me regardless of my speech impediment was a huge part of my ability to speak fluently now. I was confident in who I was, and I knew that my impediment didn’t define me. If I stuttered, I slowed down, moved past it, and kept going, and didn’t let myself get embarrassed about it. That was the thing, I’d realized: When I got embarrassed over a stammer or block, it turned into vicious cycle. I’d be embarrassed, which would make me stutter, which would upset me, and make me stutter worse.
“I can’t believe you’re moving to New York,” I said. “I’m going to miss you so much!”
She smiled at me, equal parts happiness, sadness, and affection. “Oh, Beck. Me too. You’ve always been there, even when I wasn’t a very good friend. It’s not like I’m leaving forever, though. I’ll be back for holidays, just like you. We’ll see each other again soon. It really won’t be much different than now, except you can’t just pop down for the weekend and see me.”
We’d finished our lunches by this time, so we paid the bill and left, standing in front of our cars, which were parked side by side.
She smacked the side of Jason’s truck above the wheel well. “Jason is still driving this thing? He’s had it forever, hasn’t he? It’s got to be about dead.”
I laughed and rubbed the truck where she’d hit it. “Be nice to his truck. I love this thing. He’s had it since he was sixteen. I told him I’d cry when he replaced it. But yeah, it is dying. He just replaced the brakes, and now the snake belt is going, or something like that. Snake belt? Serpentine? Something. I don’t know. Another part needs fixing. At some point, it won’t be worth the money to fix it.”
“It’s the serpentine belt. I watched…” She paled and blinked hard, then forced the words out. “I watched Kyle replace a serpentine belt once. On the Camaro.”
“Well, whatever the hell it’s called, he’s gonna spend more money to fix that part, and then I’m guessing something else will break. We’re gonna have to buy a newer car soon, I’m thinking.”
“We.” Nell said it with a sigh and a wistful lift of her lips, not quite a smile.
“What do you mean?”
“You. You and Jason. You’ve been together for how long now?”
I grinned. “More than four years.”
“You have a ‘we,’ that’s all. I’m happy for you.”
I shrugged. “Yeah. I’m pretty lucky, I guess. I mean, I know I am. I’ve been so fortunate. He’s awesome.”
“Are you guys living together?”
I jangled my keys, shaking the ignition key loose. “Yeah. Since August. It’s…well, it’s great.”
“I bet. What’s it like? What do your parents think?”
“My parents hate it. They think we’re rushing it. But they’ve learned to accept it, as much as they ever will.” I shrugged again, knowing I was making her think of all she was missing out on. “It’s great. It’s an adjustment, in some ways. It’s really, like…it makes you realize you’re an adult. Living in a dorm is just fun, you know? You don’t have to worry about bills or rent or whatever, and there’s always people around, all the time. People you know, who you’re in classes with or see at football games. In an apartment, you’re responsible for it. Jason and I have to pay rent and utilities and keep food in the house and all that. Plus, it’s not right there on campus. If you’re late, you’re extra late. You can’t just rush out in your comfy clothes and slip into class—you have to drive there and find a spot to park…. Plus, living with a guy is…different. The whole leaving-the-seat-up-thing? It’s real. I fell into the toilet just the other day.”
“Eeew!” Nell laughed. “But you’re with him all the time. You can do whatever you want with him, whenever.”
I giggled. “That’s the best part. Even just going to sleep with him and waking up with him…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep alone again.”
Nell ducked her head. “Think you’ll get married?”
I swallowed hard. I’d had those same thoughts myself. “Probably, eventually. I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.”
“Do you want to? Marry Jason, I mean?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, I want to be with him forever, so I’m guessing we’ll get married someday, but it’s just not come up.”
Nell smirked at me. “But you’ve thought about it, haven’t you? Of course you have. You’ve been with him since you were sixteen.”
I nodded. “Well, yeah. Of course I have. But I want to graduate first. We’re together, and there’s no rush to change things, you know? We just turned twenty-one. Maybe once I’m working on my graduate degree we’ll talk about it.”