I half-heartedly attempted to study until Jason came home from work. He walked in wearing khaki cut-off shorts, battered and grass-stained Timberland boots, and a neon-green Bob’s Quality Landscaping and Snow Removal T-shirt with the sleeves cut off. He had a blue U of M ball cap on backward, with his jersey number stitched in yellow thread on the back, and his earbuds trailed down the front of his shirt where he’d strung them underneath to his shorts pocket. He stank of grass, sweat, gasoline, and oil, and he was filthy from head to toe. He had dirt smudged on his forehead and right cheek, his hands were nearly black with dirt and grease and bits of grass, and his shirt was sopping wet with sweat. He was gloriously sexy.
The euphoria of seeing my man all nasty from a day of hard work only lasted a moment, and the weight of reality set in.
Jason must’ve seen the crash on my features. “Hey, baby. What’s up?”
I went for the easy answer. “Nell came home s-ssss-suddenly. Rachel is worried about her.”
Jason frowned. “That’s all she said, though?” He set his iPhone and earbuds on the table along with his wallet and hat.
“Yeah, basically.” I set my books aside, stood up, and kissed him, tasting the sweat on his upper lip. “I’m going to d-d-drive d-d-down tomorrow after my tests.” I felt the weight of my secret in my chest, but I couldn’t get the words out.
“I’ll drive down with you, then,” Jason said from the bathroom, stripping off his clothes.
I stood in the doorway, watching him undress, admiring the way his darkly tanned skin slid over his rippling muscles. “You have class and you work two jobs, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but this is more important, isn’t it?”
I shrugged. “Maybe. All I know is that Nell showed up out of b-b-bl-blue and Rachel is worried something is wrong. I don’t know for a f-f-fa-fa-fact that anything is wrong.”
Jason stepped under the steaming spray, and immediately the water around the drain turned brown. “True enough. Take my truck from school, then. I can get rides to and from work.”
A sudden burst of need shot through me, need for his hands on me and his mouth on me and his heat on me; for the first time in our relationship, I squashed the need. I pushed it down and walked away, leaving him to his shower. If I gave in to that need, I knew what would happen. I would get sucked in to the emotional whirlpool of the afterglow, and I’d tell him.
For now, this was my secret. I needed time to figure out how I felt, aside from the sheer blind panic. Was I glad? Was I upset? Did I want, even deep down, to be a mother? Was I in any way ready?
There was only one question that never crossed my mind: not keeping it was never an option. Regardless of my feelings, regardless of Jason’s reaction, I was keeping it.
Him. Her. Not it.
Him or her.
* * *
My tests flew by. I knew the material to the point where part of my mind was whirling with a thousand thoughts and questions, and only part of me was tuned in to the tests. I left the lecture hall and headed to the Hawthorne home, driving almost absently, the radio off, my body and brain driving on autopilot, the rest of me dizzy with rumination.
An hour and a half later, I pulled in to the Hawthornes’ circle drive, which was empty. The front door was locked, and no one answered my repeated knocks and rings of the bell. I circled around to the back, knowing Rachel often had music on while she baked and didn’t hear the door. When I reached the back of the house, I stopped in shock. A piece of plywood covered the sliding glass patio door, or where the glass had been, rather. What I could see of the house was dark and empty. As I turned away from the house, I happened to glance down at the cobblestone patio, and my heart shuddered to a stop. Dark brown splotches led in a trail to the house, disappearing into the grass beyond the patio.
The Hawthornes and the Calloways lived on a private lake, beyond which was an expanse of grass field, and beyond that a forest. A county line road arced through the forest, and I knew Nell used to run from her house to the county road, then follow that for a few miles to where Mr. Farrell’s corn field began, at which point she would cut through the thin strip of forest and into the acres of knee-high wild grass behind her house.
The brown spots were dried blood. Who had bled? Why? Where was everyone?
Had something happened to Nell? Had she…had she done something to herself? I wasn’t sure I could handle finding out.
I fumbled my phone from my purse and scrolled through my contacts until I found Rachel Hawthorne cell. I dialed it, held the phone to my ear with trembling hands as I made my way back around to the driveway.
“Hello?” Mr. Hawthorne’s voice on Rachel’s cell phone. He sounded…broken.
“Mr. Hawthorne? It’s b-b-Becca.”
“Becca?” He sounded confused, lost.
“Becca de Rosa. Nell’s friend?”
“Oh. Of course. Yes, of course…sorry. I’m—we’re…Nell’s in the hospital, Becca.” I heard the distant garble of a hospital PA.
“What—what happened?”
“She…” He trailed off and seemed to be listening to a voice in the background. “Yeah, you’re right, Rach. Becca? Just come to the hospital. We’ll—I’ll—we’ll explain when you get here. The ICU, she’s in room one-four-one. We’re in the waiting room right now.”
“I’ll be-be th-there s-s-s-soon.” I hung up then, abruptly, not bothering with the formality of a goodbye.
I was in Jason’s truck and peeling out, driving recklessly, tears stinging my eyes and hot on my cheeks. I felt myself cracking. I called Jason.
Mowers blasted deafeningly in the background, blowers, weed-whips. “Hey, Beck,” Jason said, shouting over the noise. “Talk to Nell?”
“She-she’s in the hah-hah-hos-hospital. I don’t n-n-n-know why. Someth-thing happened. Something b-b-bad.” I was choking on my half-hysterical sobs, and I could barely understand myself.
Jason had no problem, though. “Shit. Fuck! Okay, I’ll meet you there. Wait, which hospital?”
I hadn’t asked. “I d-d-don’t n-n-know. I don’t—”
Jason interrupted. “If it happened at their house, then the closest would probably be Genesee Regional.”
I heard my phone ding in my ear, signaling a text message. I held the phone away from my ear, seeing a message from Rachel verifying Jason’s guess. “Rachel j-j-j-just t-t-texted me. She’s at Gen-Genes-s-sss-s—d-d-damn it!” I hissed in frustration; the last thing I needed right then was to stutter myself incoherent. “What…you…said.” I forced the words out slowly and clearly.