I laughed with her. “I don’t know. Jason acted like every little decision was taking years off his life. Either that, or if I gave him a choice between two things, he’d act like he couldn’t tell the difference. It’s just funny.”
We watched as Colt and Benny put silverware on the table, Benny climbing up on each chair in turn to put a fork and spoon on the plates while Colt came behind him with knives and rearranged the silverware to each side of the plate. I thought about saying something, but I decided to let it play out. Sure enough, once Benny did the last plate and saw what Colt was doing, he glared at Colt.
“I do.” Benny scrambled off the chair, went to the head of the table, and gathered all three pieces of silverware and put them back on the plate, glancing at Colt to make sure he got the message.
“Benny is kind of particular about certain things,” I said to Colt. “Silverware goes on the plate in this house.”
Colt stared at Benny, then at me, then at the plate, and finally shrugged. “Okay, then, on the plates it is.” He then went back around the table, putting silverware on the plates.
Benny watched in satisfaction, then dragged Colt to the fridge and handed him a sippy cup. “Juice.”
Nell and I watched Colt with Ben, and then met each other’s eyes.
“Is that on the horizon for you two?” I asked, gesturing at Nell’s fiancé and my child.
Nell shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not come up yet. I have a feeling it’s going to after today.”
“How do you feel about it?”
Nell was silent for a while, and then shrugged again. “I don’t know. Part of me is thrilled at the idea of having a baby. Benny is so cute, so much fun. Colt would be such an amazing father. But…it’s scary, too. What if…what if I have another miscarriage? The doctor said it was just one of things that happens sometimes. Like, I didn’t do anything wrong, and there’s no medical reason I shouldn’t be able to carry a baby to term, but…I still worry. Sometimes I still feel…fragile, emotionally. I think I’m gonna be healing for the rest of my life in some ways. Am I even fit to be a mother? I mean, how do I tell a kid how their father and I met? How do you explain that to an adult, much less a child? What if we have a kid and they ask me about the scars on my wrists? What do I say?”
I thought about my answer for long moments. “I’m not dismissing your concerns, Nell, but I think you’re over-thinking it. That’s all stuff you’ll have to deal with in time. But having a child? As long as you have a good relationship with Colt, it’ll all work out. Having a baby…it changes things. It changes you. It changes your relationship. It’s hard, I won’t deny that. Being a parent is at once the hardest and scariest yet most rewarding thing you’ll do.” My eyes followed Jason as he pulled the chicken out of the oven and cut into it to check its doneness. “Jason and I weren’t ready for a kid, Nell. We weren’t. Benny was a total surprise. You know that. And we sometimes wonder what we’ll tell him if he were to ever ask why his birthday is less than a month after our anniversary. He’ll put that together one day, and we’re gonna have to find an answer. But…it doesn’t really matter, in the big picture. You and Colt love each other. You’re in it for the long haul. Don’t hold yourself back from having a child just because you’re afraid of all the what-ifs. If you’re ready, you’re ready. The questions will be answered in their own time. The moment you hold your baby for the first time, you just…you know. Everything is different, and even if you could go back, you wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change anything in my life, because it’s all led me to where I am now. I’m married to the love of my life, my best friend and my…my everything. I’ve never been with anyone else, and I never will be, no matter what happens in the future. And I have my baby boy, my sweet little Benny. If changing even one thing in my life meant not coming to this place in my life, it’s not worth it.”
Nell scratched with a fingernail at a juice stain on the carpet. “I know what you mean. I’m so happy in my life now. Most of the time. I have Colton, and I’m touring the country making music. It’s a dream come true, a dream I never knew I wanted until I had it. I can’t imagine any other life for myself, I really can’t. I mean, yeah, sometimes in the middle of the night I lie awake and wonder where I’d be if…if Kyle had lived. I’d have gone to Stanford, and we’d probably have a couple kids by now, and I’d be working in an office, wearing power suits and assembling Powerpoint presentations for execs.” She shuddered dramatically. “I’m glad I dodged that career. That’s not me. That life…that’s all a what-if, and it’s a moot point. I wonder, but I don’t wish for it, because…god, this is something I struggled with so hard for so long…because as much as I loved Kyle, Colton is perfect for me.”
“Well, you and Kyle were so young, you know, so it might be impossible to say what would have happened between you.”
“No younger than you and Jason when you two got together. You’re the same age as me, twenty-four. But you guys have been together for how long now?”
“Eight years.”
“You’re twenty-four, but you’ve been with Jason for eight years. That’s longer than most relationships ever last.”
“And in some ways, it feels like we’re just getting started. Benny is almost two already, but it feels like in some ways I just had him. We’re talking about having another one, actually. Jason wants a little girl.”
Jason announced that dinner was ready, so the conversation was cut short, but I caught Nell watching Benny with a speculative light in her eye. Colton saw it, too, but the same gleam was in his expression whenever he bent to listen to Benny jabber around a mouthful of food.
I had a feeling I’d be hearing some news in a few months.
* * *
Becca
The following May
I struggled to hold back tears as I straightened the train of Nell’s stunning dress. It was strapless with an empire waist and a sweetheart neckline, tasteful beading on the bodice and a back that plunged daringly low. Her strawberry blonde hair was piled on her head in a complex arrangement of pins and knots, with a few wisps dangling free to frame her beautiful face. Her gray-green eyes gleamed with excitement as she turned in place slowly to give me a chance to rearrange the gown around her feet.