She'd trade all of those little things if he would just talk to her, though. She knew he loved her; it showed in his actions. Why couldn't he trust her with his feelings?
He sat back on the floor of the cockpit, pulling her into his lap and cuddling her.
"Feeling better?" he asked after a while.
"Yes," she managed to whisper.
"I was going to offer to take you out for dinner on the station," he said after a brief pause. "I guess that might not be such a good idea, under the circumstances."
She managed to give a faint laugh, then shook her head.
"Let's not give up just yet," she said, trying to find some humor in the situation. "Who knows how I'll feel in a few hours? These things come and go, you know."
He chuckled in response, but she could tell his heart wasn't in it. She looked up into his face; his eyes were distant. He was once again focused on his own thoughts. Unable to control herself, she spoke.
"What are you thinking, Jess?"
"Nothing," he responded slowly. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the bulkhead. She rolled her eyes, disgusted.
"You're obviously thinking something," she said, trying to keep herself from sounding too upset. "What is it? Are you worried about whether Logan has sent you a message?"
His voice was distant when he replied.
"It doesn't matter if Logan has sent for us or not," he said. "Either way, we'll find a good place for the baby. There's plenty of money. Everything is going to be just fine."
It was the same kind of platitude he'd been giving her for weeks, she thought, anger mounting.
"I'm not a child, you know," she said sharply. "I think we should discuss these things. I don't need you to take care of me."
"Oh really?" he asked, nodding toward the pan of vomit. "It sure seems like you need me to take care of you."
She pulled away from him, rising to her knees to confront him.
"I don't need anyone to take care of me," she said in a firm voice. "I accept your help while I'm sick because it makes my life easier. If a person has a partner, they can share some of the responsibilities. But choosing to have a partner and needing a caretaker are two very different things, Jess. Don't make any mistakes about that. I can handle myself."
"You don't know anything about the world out there," he replied, his voice tight. "You wouldn't last a day without me, and you know it."
"That's ridiculous," she snapped back. "I did manage to get all the way Vlaxon by myself. And if you hadn't come after me, I would have found a job and supported myself."
"Is that right?" he asked, almost sneering at her.
"Yes, it is right," she replied. "I'm not the same ignorant woman you kidnapped off the asteroid, Jess.
I've seen more ports that most people do in a lifetime by now, and I've had plenty of time to study while you've been preoccupied with your stupid little hunt for Jenner. I've been keeping my eyes open, learning things. I may not have much experience, but I am not stupid. I'm ready to take care of myself."
The passion of her outburst was a little startling, even to Bethany, and she took a deep breath after she stopped talking. Her words seemed to have an impact on him. He'd certainly shut up. He looked at her, an unreadable expression on his face, then he abruptly pushed himself to his feet.
"You've made your point," he said, not reaching down to help her up as he usually would. "You don't need me. You are a strong woman and you're more than capable of caring for yourself. I understand and respect that."
Her jaw dropped as he left the room. Nothing he could have said would have surprised her more. Jess had never treated her like an equal, someone who could care for herself.
She heaved herself awkwardly to her feet and followed him down the corridor to the living area.
What the hell was going on in his mind now?
* * * * *
Jess sat down in front of the public data terminal. Bethany was back on the ship, sleeping. She hadn't gotten sick again, but he'd still decided it would be better if he caught a shuttle to the main port by himself. He needed to find out if Logan had contacted him. He was just paranoid enough that he didn't want to use the ship's communication equipment to check. If something had gone wrong, if someone were looking for him, he didn't want to lead them back to Bethany.
So there he sat, hands flitting across the interface, trying to remember the code words Logan had given him.
I'll set up a mailbox for you at Dalaron Station,his bunkmate had told him before they'd left the asteroid belt. Your keyword will be Calla, after your sister. I'll leave the message in the name of "Jess Freedman". If you don't hear anything from me by the time three months have passed, then don't expect anything.
Jess had wondered many times what had happened to Logan. Now that he was poised to find out, he found himself strangely reluctant to check for the message. The bulk of survivors from the Pilgrim mining asteroid, women, children, and escaped slaves, had all gone with Logan. Were all those people dead now? Had things gone terribly wrong for them? Or were they living new lives now?
Bethany had a friend with them, a woman named Moriah. She would probably want Moriah there when the baby was born. In fact, if she had Moriah, she probably wouldn't need him.
That was the real problem, he admitted to himself. Part of him was actually hoping things hadn't worked out for Logan. If they didn't have a place waiting for them with him, then Bethany would still need Jess to take care of her. Or at least he hoped she would. After her outburst on the ship he wasn't so sure anymore.
For so long he had thought of her as being dependent on him. He liked her dependency. It meant that she couldn't leave him, not as long as she needed him to take care of her. When she'd tried to leave him before, it had been like a knife stabbing though his heart. The kind of pain he'd felt when he'd realized Calla was gone…
Once upon a time he'd had Calla in his life. He had taken care of her, they had always been together. He knew his purpose in life. Then he failed Calla and she died. He had sworn to himself that he wouldn't fail Bethany. He would keep her safe and provide for her. But now that he was in the position to do so, she didn't need him.
She could go to Logan, to Moriah, and she would be safe and happy. She wouldn't need him at all. He shook his head, forcing the thoughts away. He didn't like acknowledging that a part of him actually hoped Logan hadn't left a message because the implications were impossible to consider. It was better to simply check for the message and get it over with.