“I can’t . . . ” I shake my head, not knowing where I am even going with the sentence. I don’t know a lot of things in that moment.
“Dallas, I don’t want to ask this, but I know that you and Levi are close. I need you to tell me that you didn’t know about this, that you weren’t around him or drugs or anything else he was involved in.”
“No! Dad . . . no.” I want to be angry that he could even think that of me, but mostly I’m too shocked. “Levi and I are not close, Dad. We haven’t been since before he graduated high school.”
“I know you guys had a rough breakup, but when I started this year, he led me to believe that you two were past that. That you were friends.”
I scoff, and I feel so sick that I have to stand up and walk around and just breathe.
“We are not friends. I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve spoken in the last few years. Dad . . . I hate him. I don’t know any other way to put it . . . ” Angry tears swim in my eyes, and panic paints Dad’s face. “There are things you don’t know . . . that I never want you to know. But suffice it to say, I hate him.”
I can tell Dad wants to ask despite my assurances. His knuckles turn white as he grips the desk, and I can see the confusion and frustration battling in his eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“What? That your favorite player turned out to be an awful human being? That the guy you called son the entire time we were dating is an ass**le, and I wish we’d never met?”
“Dallas,” Dad’s voice is sharp.
“I’ve earned the right to call him that, Dad. Trust me. God, even now you’re defending him.”
“I’m not defending him.” There’s the stern, angry Dad I know. He’s the one I know how to talk to. “Clearly, there are many aspects to his character that I didn’t see, but that doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell me that he hurt you.”
“Gee, Dad. I thought you would have picked up on that by yourself. What with all the crying and general misery.”
“That’s not fair. You kept to yourself. You never talk to me. And I was—”
“Busy, I know. Trust me, I know.”
Dad looks almost hurt. For a second.
“I was going to say that I was trying to respect your space. I thought if you’d wanted me to know, you would have told me.”
“Well, you got that part right.”
“Damn it, Dallas. I don’t know what you want from me. I’m trying here.”
“Too little, too late, Dad. It’s been years, and honestly, it’s not a conversation you really want to have. Just . . . don’t accuse me of doing drugs with him or wherever this conversation was heading. I’m not giving you another reason to call me irresponsible or to tell me I’m not ready to be an adult. Because whether you like it or not, I am one.” I think of just how drastically Levi has changed since the moment I first met him. He was sweet and shy and so good to me. “I’ve realized something . . . We don’t get to know what’s going to happen to us. And anything can come along and ruin our plans, change our world, change us. I’ve given in to you on so many things because I just keep telling myself that I have time. But I can’t keep planning for a future that might never come. That’s not living.”
For the first time in my entire life, Dad doesn’t have an immediate counterargument. He just asks, “So what are you going to do?”
I make this weird noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob because, ironically enough . . . I don’t know.
Chapter 21
Carson
We don’t even have a real practice, and yet by the time I head out to the parking lot, I feel more exhausted than I have in weeks.
They’re worried about other team members being on drugs, both recreational and performance enhancing. So we all took a standard drug test, and it looks like they’ll be bringing someone in to do blood tests for HGH, too.
I should probably stay and work out considering I’ve done nothing since this morning, but I just can’t find the energy. Barring some other crazy happening, I’ll most likely be starting on Saturday in Levi’s place. That should be motivation enough to get my ass in gear, but it’s just . . . not.
I wanted that starting spot, had worked hard for it. But a part of me had accepted that I would never get it, and I think that I was relieved.
I certainly never thought to get it like this.
When I get to my truck, Dallas is there waiting for me, sitting on the hood. I look around. She’s not exactly being covert. Most of the team left before I did, but there are still people heading to their cars and leaving for the night.
“Hey. You didn’t have to wait for me. We could have met at my place. Or I would have come to you.”
She shrugs. She’s wearing that leather jacket again, her hands stuffed in her pockets. Her long legs are crossed at the ankles, her feet dangling off the hood of my truck.
“I didn’t really feel like going anywhere.”
I step closer, running my hand from her ankle to her knee before holding it out to her. One hand appears from her jacket pocket, and she laces her fingers with mine.
“I’m not complaining. I just thought you didn’t want to advertise this.”
She sighs. “I don’t. I was angry and feeling a bit reckless.”
“You and your dad?”
She nods. “He just makes me so angry sometimes.”
“Come on.” I help her slide down off the hood, my hands lingering on her hips for just a second. “Let’s go to my place, and you can tell me about it.”