“I don’t think anyone would expect you to be a nun for the rest of your life simply because you were raped.”
“But to be joking with you like that so soon? Doesn’t that mean there’s something wrong with me? I should find men repulsive and the thought of sex revolting.”
Rev shook his head. “It just means the old you is slowly finding its way back to the new you. Even if the two never totally merge again, you can’t be so hard on yourself. We can’t help how we feel.”
“I guess you’re right,” I repeated.
“Take death, for example. Everyone grieves differently. Just because someone isn’t weeping uncontrollably, it doesn’t mean they loved the deceased less than someone who is crying and screaming. We all handle emotions differently. Just like you can’t tell someone the right way or wrong way to grieve, you can’t tell them how to handle life after sexual abuse.”
I tried to digest Rev’s words. They seemed so easy to accept, so logical, when they were coming from him. But in my warped frame of mind, I could say the same thing he had and still not believe it. I had hope that one day I would be okay with how I felt, but for now, I knew I had a long, long way to go.
After our waitress brought us our plates, Rev asked, “Are you okay now?” Even though I wasn’t, I nodded. “You don’t have to lie to me, Annabel.”
With a sigh, I picked up my knife and fork and began cutting into my steak. “Fine. I’m not okay. Because I know that even if I stop worrying about it right now, it’s going to come up again.”
“When it does, just push it away.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know it is because I’ve been there before myself.”
“Really?”
He fidgeted in his seat. “Yeah, I have.”
“So how did you handle it?”
Rev groaned. “Why do you have to have an example? Can’t you just trust me on this one?”
I shrugged. “I guess I just have to have concrete examples. Call it the scientist in me.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not sure this one will help,” Rev muttered. He momentarily closed his eyes like he was trying to gather his strength. “Okay, fine. Here it is. I thought I was completely sick and twisted whenever I got erections after my attack. I turned twelve a few months later and was a preteen boy who couldn’t help what his body was doing. But in my head, I thought it was me being perverted and wanting something I shouldn’t.”
“Oh,” I murmured, trying not to let my mortification reach my cheeks. I then proceeded to try to look anywhere but at Rev.
“You asked for it.”
“I know. Trust me, I’m sorry I pressed you for the information.”
After a few seconds of embarrassment hung over the table, a laugh came bursting out of me before I could stop myself. When I finally dared to look over at Rev, he was staring wide-eyed at me. I continued laughing, unable to catch my breath. It was like some emotional dam had broken within me, and this was the way everything was getting out. It sure beat crying.
“Annabel?” Rev questioned cautiously once I got hold of myself.
I dabbed my eyes with a napkin. “I’m sorry. I guess it was just the absurdity of the moment. Here I am having a breakdown because I had been thinking we were flirting with each other, not to mention we are two adults who just died a thousand deaths from talking about erections.”
When Rev realized I hadn’t totally lost my mind, he smiled. “I guess we were being a little uptight.”
“Yes, uptight seems to sum up exactly how I’ve been reacting to my feelings. I’m going to take your advice and push the thoughts away. Most of all, I want to lighten up. Despite what happened to me, I’m lucky to have gotten out of there.”
“More than anything, you need to be kind to yourself.” After taking a sip of tea, he said, “I know when you asked what the plans were when we get to Georgia, I said it was up to you.”
“You did.”
“I would make one suggestion. It’s one I hope you will take.”
He certainly had my interest piqued now. “What is it?”
“I want you to see a therapist as soon as possible.”
My stomach churned a little at the prospect. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in seeing a therapist. It was just that I didn’t want to have to dredge up everything that had happened to me and relive it with a perfect stranger. At the same time, I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life dealing with the fallout of emotional issues I tried to bury. So I nodded at Rev. “Yes, I will.”
I could tell he was a little surprised at how easily I consented to his suggestion. “My sister-in-law is a teacher. She works closely with a lot of health-care professionals. I can ask her to recommend one without going into your story.”
“Thank you, Rev. I would appreciate that.”
He smiled. “You’re welcome.” He then jerked his chin at my plate. “Now eat some more steak.”
Despite rolling my eyes, I didn’t bother arguing with him. Instead, I chowed down on my steak and sweet potato, which were delicious. I managed to put a lot away until my overloaded stomach began to protest. I set my fork and knife down on the plate and eased back in the booth.
Rev motioned out the window. “Look.”
I followed his gaze across the street from the diner where the twinkling, multicolored lights of a small carnival, including a Ferris wheel, stretched high into the sky.
“When we were kids, Bishop and I couldn’t wait each year for the fair to come to town. It was set up just down the road from us, and we used to save our money up so we could go every night.”