“Yes, I have.”
“But you seem so happy now.”
“I am.”
“How can you be?”
Adrienne brought her hands together. “When I think of losing Paul or the years that might have been, of course it makes me sad. It did then, and it still does now. But you have to understand something else, too: As hard as it was, as terrible and unfair as the way things turned out, I wouldn’t have traded the few days I spent with him for anything.”
She paused, making sure her daughter understood that. “In Mark’s letter, he said that I saved Paul from himself. But if Mark had asked me, I would have said that we’d saved each other, or that he’d saved me. Had I never met him, I doubt I ever would have forgiven Jack, and I wouldn’t have been the mother or grandmother I am now. Because of him, I came back to Rocky Mount knowing that I was going to be okay, that things would work out, that no matter what, I’d make it. And the year we spent writing each other gave me the strength I needed when I finally learned what had happened to him. Yes, I was devastated by losing him, but if somehow I could go back in time—this time knowing what would happen in advance—I still would have wanted him to go because of his son. He needed to make things right with Mark. His son needed him—had always needed him. And it wasn’t too late.”
Amanda looked away, knowing she was talking about Max and Greg as well.
“That’s why I told you this story from the beginning,” Adrienne went on. “Not just because I’d been through what you’re living through now, but because I wanted you to understand how important his relationship with his son was. And what it meant for Mark to know that. Those are wounds that are difficult to heal, and I don’t want you to have any more wounds than you already have now.”
Adrienne reached across the table and took her daughter’s hand. “I know you’re still hurting about Brent, and there’s nothing I can do to help you with that. But if Brent were here, he would tell you to concentrate on your kids, not on his death. He would want you to remember the good moments, not the bad ones. And above all, he would want to know that you’re going to be okay, too.”
“I know all that—”
Adrienne cut her off with a gentle squeeze, not letting her finish. “You’re stronger than you think you are,” she went on, “but only if you want to be.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Of course it isn’t, but you have to understand that I’m not talking about your emotions. Those you can’t control. You’re still going to cry, you’re still going to have moments when you don’t feel you can go on. But you have to act as if you can. At a time like this, actions are just about the only things you can control.” She paused. “Your children need you, Amanda. I don’t think there’s ever been a time when they needed you more. But lately, you haven’t been there for them. I know you’re hurting, and I hurt for you, but you’re a mom now, and you can’t keep going like this. Brent wouldn’t have wanted it, and your children are paying the price.”
As Adrienne finished, Amanda seemed to be studying the table. But then, almost as if moving in slow motion, she raised her head and looked up.
As much as she wished otherwise, Adrienne had no idea what Amanda was thinking.
Dan was folding the last of the towels in the basket while watching ESPN when Amanda returned home. The clothes had been sorted into piles on the coffee table. Dan automatically reached for the remote to turn down the volume.
“I was wondering when you were going to make it back,” he said.
“Oh, hey,” Amanda said, looking around. “Where are the boys?”
Dan motioned with his head as he added a green towel to the stack. “They just got into bed a few minutes ago. They’re probably still awake if you want to say good night.”
“Where are your kids?”
“I dropped them off with Kira on our way home. Just to let you know, Max dripped some pizza sauce on his Scooby-Doo shirt. I guess it’s one of his favorites, because he got pretty upset about it. I’ve got it soaking in the sink now, but I couldn’t find the stain remover.”
Amanda nodded. “I’ll get some this weekend. I’ve got to go shopping anyway. I’m out of other things, too.”
Dan looked at his sister. “If you make a list, Kira could pick up what you need. I know she’s going to the store.”
“Thanks for the offer, but it’s time I start doing that for myself again.”
“Okay…” He smiled uncertainly. For a moment, neither he nor his sister said anything.
“Thanks for taking the boys out,” Amanda said finally.
Dan shrugged. “No big deal. We were going out anyway, and I figured they might enjoy it.”
Amanda’s voice was earnest. “No. I mean, thank you for all the times you’ve done that lately. Not just tonight. You and Matt have been great since… since I lost Brent, and I don’t know if I’ve let you know how much I appreciate that.”
Dan looked away at the mention of Brent’s name. He reached for the empty laundry basket.
“What are uncles for, right?” He shifted from one foot to the other, holding the basket in front of him. “Would you like me to swing by for the boys again tomorrow? I was thinking of going on a bike ride with the kids.”
Amanda shook her head. “Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.”
Dan looked at her, his expression dubious. Amanda didn’t seem to notice. She slipped off her jacket and set it on the chair along with her purse. “I talked to Mom for quite a while tonight.”