Mickey was good company.
And most important of all, he made it clear he felt the same with me.
In fact, when I’d communicated that Martine and Conrad did not exist, they actually ceased to exist.
So the end of the dinner was just the same as the beginning.
Free and natural and all about Mickey and me.
I was surprised but not averse when, after we left the restaurant, Mickey didn’t guide me to his truck but instead to the street where he walked us across hand in hand to the wharf. He then walked us down the wharf to the end.
I hadn’t been there yet but I liked being there. I could smell the sea, feel the cool air calming me along with the three glasses of wine, and I could hear the tranquil, muted sounds of the bells on the buoys.
Better still was when we reached the end, Mickey turned my back to him and curled his arms around my midriff, pulling me to his heat.
“Ever think of leaving Magdalene, just walk right here and you’ll think you’re crazy,” he murmured and his words made me relax against him.
Belly filled with delicious seafood, mind settled by a great date with Mickey, standing there with the smells and sounds, I took that moment to take in the sights.
Magdalene was built into a set of coves, the town proper in the longest of them. The coastline rose up gray and black rocky cliffs that were partially bare and dark right then, but in the light the tops were forested with trees. However, quite a bit of it was taken with homes, their faint lights in the shadowed structures giving the view a magical feel.
This was augmented by the charming lighthouse flashing its light from where the structure was built on a sharp jut of land to the north. Not to mention Josie and Jake’s Lavender House, which was a feature of Magdalene’s coastline. It was large and picturesque and now its windows were lit, indicating the family inside was up and active, doing things together, carrying on the tradition of love and family, why that house was built.
I couldn’t see Cliff Blue, which was built up high over a small cove, so it was hidden. But I wondered then how the coastline looked from the sea.
It was likely fabulous.
There were sounds of cars driving down the street behind us, but this wasn’t constant.
No, the constant was the bells of the buoys and the waves lapping against the shore and slapping against the planks of the wharf, peaceful, easy beauty.
I wrapped my arms around his at my midriff and leaned back into him. “I can see why you’d never leave.”
“Want for my kids whatever they want,” he stated. “I’d be happy as long as they’re happy. But I hope, if they take off, when they come back and I bring them right here, wherever life took them, they’d know in their bones that standing right here was the only place that was home.”
I loved what he said but feeling Mickey, looking at the view, smelling the smells and hearing the sounds off Magdalene’s wharf, having lived the life I lived, it occurred to me I’d never had a home.
Not a real one.
I thought I did, with my husband, my family, until Conrad tore it away from me.
And I wanted a home.
A home that looked like that, smelled like that, sounded like that and felt like it felt to stand there in Mickey’s arms.
Lulling me with that beauty, Mickey went for it.
He did it gently.
But he did it.
“You’re not ready, Amy, then you decide the time. But you’re eventually gonna have to share how he got your kids from you, baby.”
I felt every inch of me grow solid and Mickey didn’t miss it, couldn’t, and his arms grew snug around me.
He also dipped his head so his jaw was no longer resting against the side of my hair and he said in my ear, “If this is not the time, it’s not. But I’ll say now, this is what this feels like it might be, you gotta learn there’s no safer place than in my arms and when you’re here, Amy,” his arms gave me a squeeze, “you can give me anything.”
I closed my eyes.
This is what it feels like it might be…
Maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way as me.
And if he did, he needed to know, sooner rather than later.
No safer place than in my arms and when you’re here, Amy, you can give me anything.
I opened my eyes.
“I told you how things went with him and Martine.”
I felt his breath whisper along my ear, then his lips, before I felt his jaw again pressed to the side of my head.
“Yeah.”
I drew in a breath and let it out, saying, “When he left me, I lost it.”
“Within your rights, Amy.”
I stared at pure peace and beauty.
Then I decided this was important, Mickey was important, and I had finally grown up.
So there was a way this needed to go and I had to find the courage to make it go that way.
I did this, turning in his arms, lifting my hands to his biceps, and most importantly, catching his eyes.
“When I say I lost it,” I whispered when he was looking down at me. “I lost it, Mickey. Like, lost it. I went more than a little crazy. I was hurt and I wanted them to hurt so I made them hurt. I went out of my way to do it. I took every opportunity to do it and if there weren’t any, I created them. I did not do what I should have done, felt the pain, but powered through it for myself and my kids. I nursed it and fed from it and behaved selfishly, thoughtlessly, and worst of all, spitefully.”
“He fucked and got engaged to another woman while he was married to you, babe. Again, within your rights,” Mickey told me.
“For three years?” I asked.
He didn’t even blink.
He asked back, “Is there a time limit for bein’ pissed about betrayal?”
“My kids saw it, Mickey.”
To that, he said nothing.
My heart pinched but I had to keep going.
“I should have shielded them from it. I can’t say it was frequently. But it was not rare. It happened at their school events. When Conrad would pick up the kids. When I’d pick them up. They should have never seen that. And what they didn’t see, they heard. I connived to find ways to get into it with Conrad and Martine, embarrass them, take my pain out on them. I went to Conrad’s practice. I went to the hospital where Martine worked. I wanted everyone to know what kind of people they were. In the end, it was only me I made a fool of.”
“How’d your kids know about that other shit?” Mickey asked.
“Eventually, as he went for more and more custody, Conrad shared it with them. Before they came here, they were old enough to speak with the judge and decide who they wanted to live with. I made it so they did not want to live with me.”