"It's getting late," he said, rising.
Why did I have to know this minute? Didn't I have all that I wanted here in Dullsville without spoiling it? I had my whole life ahead of me - but I wanted everything now. I knew I was lucky enough to have Alexander and to have the Crypt, too. But there was always that piece of me that wanted to be a vampire just like I had since I was a child. But what I was asking Alexander to do wasn't something to be taken lightly. And I was letting my needs and impatience get the best of both of us.
"We should go," he said. "I'll take you home."
Just like Stormy had felt the night before, I wasn't ready for our evening to be cut short.
"No," I said. "Let's stay here."
"I have to check on Stormy."
"But I can stay here while you do that. Or I can come with you."
Alexander wouldn't be swayed and wasn't giving in to me, just like he hadn't given in to his sister. He was ready for the evening to end. He began walking toward the front of the Mansion.
It broke my heart to see him mad at me. We rarely fought. I thought I'd rather not become a vampire than have him angry with me. I didn't want to lose him altogether.
"Wait, Alexander...."
He headed for the Mercedes parked out front, and I had to run to catch up to his quick pace.
He opened the car door for me but didn't wait until I got in before he went to the driver's side.
"I didn't mean to make you mad," I said, scooting in and closing the door.
"I'm not mad," he said. But clearly he was.
He turned on the engine and headed down the driveway.
I placed my hand on his shoulder, but he didn't cave in. His mood was like a jagged icicle thrust through my heart.
"You know how I feel about you," I said. "I just want to be like you, that's all. I should be able to tell you." Alexander didn't handle his feelings like Becky and I did. Our every thought and mood flowed like Niagara Falls from our lips. Alexander kept his feelings to himself, and it pained me in ways that I couldn't express to see him shutting off from me.
I was angry with myself that I'd spoiled the evening, and with him, too, that he'd taken what I'd said the wrong way.
"I don't want to go home like this," I said when he pulled up in front of my house.
Alexander was too much of a gentleman to let me walk to the door alone. He came around and opened my door. When I didn't budge from my seat, he glared at me as if he would carry me out.
I exited the car and tried to hide the tear that began to trickle down my cheek as he headed for my door.
"You know I love you - even if I never become a vampire," I said to him when we reached the stoop.
His dark eyes softened as if he felt all the emotion behind my genuine words.
I was hoping for a good-night kiss or anything to show me that our misunderstanding was over. But he headed back down the drive instead.
I sat on the stoop. "I'm not going inside until you make up with me!" I called to him.
But this time my stubbornness didn't deter him.
He got into the Mercedes and drove down the street while my tears flowed.
I was devastated. What had just happened? Alexander and I were having the dreamiest night together, and I spoiled it by insisting again that he turn me. This time I'd pushed Alexander too far. He was more practical than I was, and that was one of the reasons I was so drawn to him.
I wanted to become a vampire. But I wanted it under the best of terms. Love, passion, and a visceral, physical, and spiritual need for each other. I didn't want to be matched up with someone like he'd been with Luna - or tricked like Sebastian almost was. And I didn't want the business transaction that Jagger had offered me. I wanted my becoming a vampire to have been thought through, carefully considered with both of our minds, hearts, and souls. If Alexander was impulsive and irrational like I was, then he would be a completely different guy - a different kind of person and vampire. And ultimately, that was not what I wanted. I thought about if I'd met Jagger instead of Alexander - who knows how I'd feel about being a vampire now? My life and eternity would be about tricks, menacing, and deceit. And if I'd been turned by Sebastian, it would have been about living eternity on a whim, noton own the putting down roots but continually moving whenever he felt the need. We'd be slackers, running around from place to place without purpose. And though that seemed like it could be a lot of fun, I was more driven and motivated. I knew what I wanted out of life and out of eternity, and I wanted to share that with someone who knew what they wanted, too. Alexander had his passion in all the right places: his art, his family, me. And not only was he smoldering hot, he was just as attractive on the inside. He cared about me, his friends, and our families, and put our needs before his own. If not, wouldn't he be the kind of vampire who hunted girls and preyed on their flesh? Not the romantic, artistic type I found irresistible.
And asking someone to physically turn me into something that I wasn't born being wasn't to be taken lightly. If I'd been the one who had to turn Alexander into a mortal, become someone different from his own family, it would be a huge burden to me. I would do anything to make him happy, like he wanted to do for me, but I understood that it was a difficult decision to make. And if he'd felt any other way about turning me, with all its thrills and complications, then he wouldn't be my Alexander Sterling.
I realized that not having Alexander at all was far worse than my not becoming a vampire. If I had to live by his side just as I was, that was good enough for me.
Any life with Alexander was better than a life without him.
Chapter 19 Stormy Nights
The next evening Becky found me in the family room, A still in my pajamas, staring at a fiercely fanged and red-eyed Kiefer Sutherland on the TV with a box of tissues in my lap and clutching my eternity ring.
"She hasn't been out all day," my dad said to her. "She won't say what's wrong, but I have a feeling it has to do with Alexander."
"What happened?" Becky asked, sitting on the couch with me.
"Alexander hates me," I whimpered.
"He does not."
"We got into a fight."
"You two?" she asked, surprised. "I can't believe it. You never fight."
When I noticed my dad was out of the room, I leaned in to Becky.
"I wanted to see if he'd turn me - " I whispered. "And I pushed him too far."
"Did you make him bite you?" she asked, seriously scared.
"No. But I asked him when he would. And I pressed him too hard."
"Alexander doesn't seem the type to get mad."