Lowering her fists, she scrambled to get away, gritting out a sound of frustration when he held her fast. "I'll let you go if you'll just listen to me for five minutes."
"Not a chance," she said, but he ignored her, rising with a hissed inhalation. Taking her elbow, he propelled her to the bed.
"Will it do any good to tell you again that I dinna do anythin'?"
Maddy crossed her arms over her chest as she sat on the edge of the bed. "Even if I believed that, it doesn't erase your intent. You set out with every intention to sleep with another woman - women!"
"Aye, I had every intention of sleeping with as many as I could," he admitted, making her gasp. "I'm no' a good man, Maddy." He began pacing. "Everyone who knows me thinks I'm a bastard of the worst sort. Even my brothers do," he said as he passed.
They do? How dare - She shook herself. She agreed with them!
"When I was younger, I went through a new woman each night. If they were married, even better. And if you took all the pleasure over those years and combined it, it would no' be the minutest fraction of what I feel like with you." He glanced over at her to gauge her reaction. "Because I need...morefrom you. And a realization like that scared me witless."
"Why?"
He ran his fingers through his hair. "Because what happens if you find out somethin' from my past that you canna abide and you leave me? Where does that leave me? I'll tell you - as good as dead."
Her lips parted.
"You're so beautiful.Too beautiful and brilliant. And when you're finally no' afraid and your memories of being hungry and anxious fade, you'll look at me and wonder what in the hell you've done to wed me."
Ethan appeared so...tormented that she couldn't speak.
"This is like a sickness I feel for you. Woman, you've got me tied up in knots. I doona know up from down anymore and can think of nothing but you."
He pulled a chair in front of her, then sank down, leaning his elbows on his knees. "If I see something interesting, my first thought is if you would find it so as well. Foods I like, I want you to taste. And all the while I'm wondering what the bloody hell is wrong with me to be like this. It's just...no'right . I havenever in my life wanted to put someone else's needs before my own like this."
She shook her head. "But this doesn't explain what you did - or why."
"Maddy, I dinna take a woman for a long time before you. For three years, I was...celibate. I was no' myself. And I'd vowed that if I got back to normal, I would glut myself. Then, with you, everything returned, and I thought...I thought thatnow having another would...Christ, I doona know,dilute this thing I feel for you. Make it ebb, but all my actions did was prove to me that I canna ever imagine myself with anyone other than you."
He looked so genuinely confused, sopanicked even, that she felt her anger easing. The man was falling in love with her.
Finally.
And she was embarrassed to admit it, but she was impressed that he'd stopped in the tavern. Of all the weird, bizarre, licentious scenes she'd witnessed in La Marais - she'dnever seen a man willfully break away before he'd reached completion.Still... "How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Two men kissing my body?"
He blanched and his fists clenched. "Murderous."
"What made you stop? With the women?"
"You said you would...you would fall in love with me if I was faithful." He looked away and muttered, "I want...I think I want you tae."
She raised her fingers to her temples to massage her aching head. "And Quin?"
He scowled. "What about Quin?"
"What could possibly have driven you to tell him we'd been intimate?"
"Oh, that," he said, then explained, "Dinna want him coming for you. I told him you weremine and he kept talkin' like there was something tae discuss."
She couldn't even imagine that conversation. "Are you sorry, Ethan?"
"You ken I doona believe in apologies. And in the end, Iwas faithful." He met her gaze as he said, "But, aye, Maddy, I am so sorry tae have hurt you."
He wanted absolution. He wanted...her. Badly.
Yet, was that enough? She couldn't keep doing this - being tricked into reaching for happiness, then having it snatched from her grasp. "I need to think about all this."
"Aye, of course." He rose, then frowned when she remained seated. "But can you no' think about it back in bed with me?"
She shot him a glare.
"I will no' do anythin'."
"You had two women kissing you just yesterday. Give me a bit of room to breathe, Ethan."
In the early hours of the morning, Ethan heard Maddy cry out, having a nightmare for the first time in several nights.
He ran for her, scooping her up into his arms. "Shh...shh, love. It's over." He rubbed his hand over her back, as he knew she liked. "There, lass. It's over." No more awkward pats - he'd gotten good at comforting her
By the time her tears had waned, she was in his lap, in the circle of his arms, her body boneless. Against her hair, he said, "Let me be here whenever you need me. Marry me in the morning."
After a long hesitation, she asked, "But how can I trust you?"
"Just give me one more chance. You will no' regret it."
At last, she gave a shaky nod. "If you vow to me that you'll be faithful, I will."
He cradled her face in his hands to meet her glinting eyes. "Maddy, I swear it. I'll be true to you."
"But, Ethan, I can't have my hopes crushed anymore. I promise you this is it, the last time I'll go through something like this. So please, don't hurt me again."
"I will no', love. I vow it." When he said the vow, he finallydid mean it - he would do everything in his power to spare her pain.
But he feared no matter what his intentions were now, his past wrongs would prove him a liar. The truth was destructive and would only hurt her more.
Which meant he had to ensure she could never find out.
Chapter Thirty-six
Oh, Lord, what am I doing? Maddy thought in the middle of her wedding ceremony. Was she really going to go through with this? If not, she had approximately two minutes to flee before she and Ethan were to repeat their vows.
As much as you've pushed for this, Maddy?Yes, but that had been before the last two days! Now she wasn't as sure about him....
The ceremony was being presided over by the village's registrar - Mr. Barnaby, a kindly older Scot, with a brogue not quite as thick as Ethan's - and everything so far felt dreamlike to her. She dimly heard the man say, "I have been appointed by the Registrar General to solemnize civil marriages in accordance with the law of Scotland. We are now assembled here in order that I may bind in marriage Ethan Ross MacCarrick and Madeleine Isobel Van Rowen...."
Thoughts warred in her mind, but she strove to make her expression placid. Ethan stood tensed beside her, watching her like a hawk, probably sensing she was tempted to run.
When she'd awakened this morning, the sorrow that had taken hold of her for the previous two days had been swept away, and the only thing left was pure, unadulterated...panic.
But why? Ethan was genuinely sorry for his actions, disaster had been averted, and he'd been so wonderful last night, stroking her hair until she'd fallen asleep. At last, she was going to be like one of those young wives in the boulangerie.
Am I doing something to leave myself vulnerable...?
She wanted to fan herself, to step outside of the close room and catch her breath. Her palms were wet around the small bouquet she clutched, and her corset chafed her. She irritably piped her lips to blow her short, cream-colored veil away from her face. Not only was she panicked, she must be paranoid as well, because she could have sworn that Ethan winced earlier when Barnaby had said her name.
Just before Ethan was to repeat his vows, she sneaked a glance up at him. His shoulders were back, and he appeared both proud to be with her and relieved. Then she saw him swallow hard. He was nervous, too, but here he was standing by her side, ready to pledge his life to her.
Naturally, people became anxious during their wedding ceremony. Everything was as it should be.
As he began to speak his vows, he gazed down at her, and the yearning in his eyes staggered her. His voice was deep and rough, but compelling when he said, "I, Ethan MacCarrick, vow tae love, honor, and respect you, Madeleine Van Rowen. I pledge tae be a faithful, honest, and devoted husband in good times and bad. This is my promise tae you today and for the rest of my life."