Maybe not, but a former Olympic gold medalist should be able to turn in a solid performance. She was still young. “It will be expected,” she argued.
“I don’t give a shit about what other people expect. I want you healthy.”
She gave up for the moment, realizing she was talking to a wall that wasn’t going to tumble. She’d place the jumps into her routine, and she’d eventually practice them. If she was being paid for a professional performance, she was going to give the best one she could.
Tessa watched as he skated back to his place by the wall. She started running through her planned routine, smiling just a little every time she passed him.
Micah cared about her safety, and it showed throughout the practice, his attention focused on her every move.
Near the end of practice, Tessa had gained confidence. She risked doing a triple again, knowing in her gut that she could land it. This time she stayed on her feet with just a little bobble instead of with her butt on the ice. Looking quickly over at Micah to see his reaction, Tessa realized that he didn’t even know the difference between a double and a triple. He hadn’t even noticed.
She released a sigh of relief, knowing she’d been betting on the fact that he wouldn’t have a clue exactly what she was doing unless she hit the ground.
Micah felt like he was dangerously close to losing his control, something he very rarely did. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time that he’d totally lost it emotionally. In his line of work, he couldn’t afford to not keep his focus. But damned if he wasn’t near the end of his patience at the moment, and he normally didn’t have a limit.
He watched Tessa as she walked into the small living room of Randi’s house and took a seat on the other end of the couch he had his ass planted on. After deciding to stay for dinner after practice, he’d used the tiny shower when Tessa had finished, and eaten without either of them communicating during the meal.
This has to end. I have to know more or I’m going to fucking lose it.
He’d bottled up his questions about Tessa’s battle with depression, knowing she probably didn’t want to talk about it anymore. It was pretty obvious to him that she had come through it. Hell, she was the strongest woman he’d ever met. How many people could survive blow after blow like she had without giving up? Maybe she almost had, but the fact was, in the end, she hadn’t.
He accepted the beer she handed him, noticing that she wasn’t imbibing. She was calmly sipping a glass of iced tea.
When he knew she was looking at him he asked, “Are you sure you can handle all this, Tessa?” He didn’t want her stressed out. She’d survived enough trauma in her life. Micah wished he had known just how much she’d overcome before he’d talked her into performing again; hell, just the thought of what she’d been through made him depressed.
She nodded. “I’m fine, Micah. I’m not going to break. I guess I shouldn’t have blurted out everything about myself, but I wanted you to know.”
“I wanted to know. It isn’t that I didn’t want you to tell me. But I’m apprehensive now.”
Tessa lifted a brow. “About?”
He wasn’t worried she was going to try to kill herself again. In fact, he knew she wouldn’t. “You,” he answered, because his concern really was just that simple.
She set her iced tea on the table in front of them before she spoke. “You think I’m going to crack again? You think I’m weak and pathetic because I wanted to die rather than face my issues? Do you really think a little stress is going to break me? I competed in front of millions of people when I was a teenager. I learned to keep my emotions under control.”
She was indignant and defensive now. It was the last thing Micah had wanted, but he’d screwed up and put her on her guard by not getting to the real issues.
Tessa continued on her tirade. “Okay, yeah, I lost it once in my life. I couldn’t hear, and I had lost everything: my fiancé, my hearing, my career, and both my parents. I doubt that anybody could even make up that much tragedy if they tried. But it happened, and it happened to me. I was all alone, and for a short time before Liam came home for good, I wondered what I had to live for. I was selfish and only focused on my own drama. I don’t like the person I was back then, but I like myself now.”
Micah sat his beer on the table and slid across the well-used couch. He breached the distance between them and put his hands on her shoulders. “You never would have killed yourself, Tessa. I know what you think, but if you had really wanted to do it, you would have. And you’re not selfish. Even when you hit rock bottom, you still thought about your brother.”
Her eyes glistened with tears, one lone droplet falling down her cheek as she blinked. “I wanted to. I felt so alone in the world once my parents were gone. I had friends, but there’s a certain isolation you feel when you lose your hearing, a lack of connection that I can’t explain.”
Micah felt like somebody had punched him in the gut. Hard. “What helps?”
She shrugged. “I learned to adjust, to find connections in other ways. But I guess I hadn’t learned to compensate back then.”
He swiped the tear from her face with his fingers. “You’re still afraid? Why?”
Her expression was startled, and she was silent.
There was no question Tessa had healed, but her reaction to him out by the ocean the day before had been extreme. He needed to know why. She was still running away from something, but for the life of him, he wasn’t sure what or who she was afraid of.