Mac flinched before he could control the movement. Ava’s file was full of nothing but pain for him. Would she be able to understand his reasons behind keeping something that so obviously hurt him? “I felt like the worst kind of stalker when those reports came in. Even though both you and your family were aware that you were under light surveillance from my company, it still felt strange to have that insight into your personal life. Truthfully, I’d throw a new report in your file and not read it until I needed a reminder of how you didn’t want me. That folder was my reality check. Whenever I was close to coming to you and making a fool of myself, I’d flip through those pages to remind myself that you didn’t feel the same way about me. You were happy and that was all that mattered.”
A lone tear trickled down Ava’s cheek as she put her hand on his cheek, stroking his hair tenderly with her fingers. “Oh, Mac, baby, I was never happy without you. I’m sorry I was so messed up inside that I thought I needed to prove that I wasn’t. I always felt safer knowing one of your men was watching over me, but also . . . I am guilty of using that knowledge to make you see what wasn’t there. I’ve hurt you so much you should hate me by now!”
Unable to bear her anguish, Mac pulled her small body onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her. He rested his head in the curve of her neck, inhaling her sweet scent. “It’s impossible for me to do anything but love you, Avie . . . My life will be spent always loving you, baby.”
* * *
For a long time, they were content to simply hold each other. Finally, Ava raised her head, kissing him lightly before speaking. “I’m not mad about the letter now; I understand what you and Brant were trying to do. From the way my grandfather handled everything, none of us ever really knew what to do or how to act going forward. I’m not saying that some embarrassing courtroom drama starring both Kevin and me would have been a miracle balm either, but it would have been some type of justice or at the very least closure. Since that never happened, we all need to make our own resolution . . . and it starts with me.”
“Baby, you’ve done amazingly well. Look at all you have accomplished,” Mac protested.
Ava smiled in answer, knowing that he would defend her until his last breath. God, she loved him so much it hurt to look at him sometimes. But she needed him to hear what she was saying. “I have done well . . . in business, but you and I both know that’s not the case personally. My life and the crazy things I’ve done to appear normal would make a damn good TV sitcom. Going forward, though, I don’t want to just try to appear normal. I want to live it.” Taking a deep breath, she prepared for the hard part of their talk. Mac wasn’t going to like it, but he needed to accept it for them to move forward. Actually, he was going to hate it, but if he could honor her wishes, then she thought they just might be able to turn the corner to a new chapter in their relationship. “Mac, I love you. But I need a little time to myself, a few weeks to get my bearings with everything that has changed in my life, and I no longer want any type of surveillance from you or your company.”
She winced as he came off the sofa like a rocket, tumbling her backward on the couch. If he wasn’t so obviously upset, she would have laughed at the absurdity of it all. How many women had this type of conversation with the man they loved?
“Ava! What in the hell . . . ?”
Ava noticed that he was again using her full name. He tended to save that for when he was upset or pissed off. She had mostly been Avie to him for her whole life. It never failed to make her feel special when he used the nickname. On the downside, she also noticed immediately when he didn’t. “Mac . . . sit down and let me finish please before you go off the deep end.”
He ran his hand over the back of his head, in a gesture she knew meant he was beyond frustrated. “If I sit back down, are you going to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said? Because it sounded to me like you want me gone from your life. Is that about the gist of it?”
Taking his hand, Ava pulled him back down next to her, trying to swallow the lump in her throat at the hurt in his voice. “That’s not what I’m saying, Mac,” she tried to reassure him gently. “Most women don’t need a security detail unless they’re married to the president.” She knew exactly what he was going to say when he opened his mouth, so she put up a hand to stop him. “I know that Jason has someone watch his family. He’s a very rich and important man, who is also a tad OCD about the safety of his wife and daughter. Claire lets him do it because she knows he needs that even if she doesn’t. The difference is, Mac, that for years I was the one who needed it. When you started East Coast and added me to your rounds, I could sleep at night again. If I didn’t see one of your guys passing by my window, I was tied in a knot until they did. In a way, I was almost better off before you started watching over me. With the extra security, I got along well to avoid getting the help that I needed, even though I was still torn up inside. I was just so embarrassed at my weakness and inability to get over what happened to me that I was terrified for anyone else to know the real me.”
“Avie . . . ,” Mac groaned, sounding completely shattered. “It wouldn’t have mattered to me. Don’t you see that there wasn’t a side of you that I wouldn’t have loved? I needed to be there for you. I still do.”
“I know that and I do need you, Mac. What I’m trying to say, though, is that I need to be the person I was again before I became just a victim. I want to be the girl who had limitless dreams of the future, was never afraid of anything, and planned to marry the boy down the street who she’d loved since she was thirteen. Somewhere inside me, that girl still exists, and I want her back. In order for that to happen, I have to finally take control of my life, which includes dealing with my past and setting a course for my future. It’s going to be hard for me to let my safety net go, but I want to start living my life again. I need to regain the innocence of believing that I’ll never be hurt.”
Mac took her hand, seeming to struggle with his words before asking, “What do you need from me, baby? What can I do to give that back to you?”
Raising his hand to her lips, she kissed it gently before saying, “You can’t give it back, Mac, but you can help me find it. I know this is going to be hard for you, but I want us to step back for a couple of weeks. I’m going to get the name of Declan’s therapist and make an appointment. I want to spend the nights at my apartment alone, without any of your security detail checking on me . . . and I want to go out on dates with you that end with me on my doorstep with a good night kiss that keeps me up at night—in a good way. I want us to try to start the kind of relationship that we might have had if nothing had happened to me. I need this, Mac—I want to know if I can be normal without pretending to be. If this relationship is going to work, we have to be equals. I know you’re going to want to save and shield me from everything you can, and I love you for it, but I’ve got to save myself first.”