“Because it ain’t my place to judge. There’s a lot of guilt to go around. If I hadn’t been so pissed off at Casper about ranch stuff, I might’ve recognized the signs. Me’n Cal and Charlie. We didn’t. We were too wrapped up in our own lives. If not for Luke callin’ us out, things would’ve stayed the same.”
Joan looked confused. “What did Luke do?”
“He said just because Casper was an ass**le didn’t automatically make his sons ass**les. They worked hard and had as much McKay blood as their cousins—our sons—did. Casper kept them out of the loop on ranch happenings and Luke asked that one of us keep at least him apprised of what was goin’ on so they didn’t look like lazy idiots.”
“How old was Luke?”
“Seventeen.”
She closed her eyes. “Luke wasn’t perfect, but I’d like to think he would’ve gotten his act together if he’d had more time. I miss him every day.” She sniffled and looked at Carson. “Sorry. Not exactly a happy topic.”
“No, it ain’t. But sometimes we gotta look back to go forward. Whatever mistakes you made, you’ve atoned for them from what I can see. It seems your sons have forgiven you or at least gotten to a place where the past don’t have a stranglehold. That says a lot about how you raised them and what kinda men they are.”
“Thank you. We’ve moved past a lot of it and I’m thankful every day my sons have their heritage as part of the McKay Ranch. If Casper had had his way…”
Carson’s gut clenched. “Yeah. I remember that time all too well. Though, I try not to think about it.”
“Casper had such extreme reactions when it came to death.” She paused. “How did he react after your mother died? He never spoke of it to me.”
They’d all been in shock. There was no sickness or downward health spiral like Carolyn’s mother. Helen McKay had been fine one day and dead the next. Their father had dealt with his devastation by working his sons even harder, so at age eighteen Carson and Cal bore the brunt of Jed’s grief.
“Casper simply shut down. He’d been closer to Ma than any of us. She let him get away with everything. She took Casper’s side even against our father’s.”
“But Charlie was the baby, and he was sickly, so I would’ve guessed he would be spoiled,” Joan said.
Carson shook his head. “As the oldest boys, me’n Cal knew Dad had greater expectations for us. He never expected much out of Casper because Ma made excuses for him. I think if she’d lived longer Casper wouldn’t have stayed on the ranch. He had aspirations to go to college but after Ma passed on he was lucky he graduated at all. Then he figured out he didn’t have to work very hard and he’d still get paid the same as the rest of us. By age twenty he was completely apathetic. After that he just got plain mean.”
“I’m familiar with his mean side. Whenever he was…annoyed with me, he’d say his mother never would’ve allowed him to marry me because she would’ve known I was a liar, and a whore who’d be a sorry excuse for a wife and a lousy mother.”
“How you stayed with him as long as you did…”
“I made the best of the situation. I’m not the first woman to do it, likely I won’t be the last. My sons gave me joy. And at times, they gave him joy too. It wasn’t all bad. I’m not making excuses or coloring the past as I’d like it to’ve been, but there were happy times in our house.” She stood. “This wasn’t what I had in mind when I decided to visit.”
“Joan, it’s fine. There’s never gonna be water under the bridge where Casper is concerned. For either of us.”
“I know that. Take care of yourself, tell Carolyn she’s in my prayers, and I’ll be in touch.”
Carson lumbered back to the ICU waiting room. As he donned the space suit, his thoughts had drifted to that dark place he’d avoided and he didn’t want to drag that into Caro’s room.
Your life has hardly been sunshine and rainbows. Besides, just because you remember it a certain way doesn’t mean she will.
Inside the room, he hooked the rolling stool beside the bed and sat down wearily. “Hey, sugar. I’m sittin’ here beside you. I know you can hear me. I need you to hear me. Come back to me. I need you to know that I’m right here, I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”
Then he waited a beat to gather his thoughts.
“I had another visitor. Joan. She sends her love and best wishes. As I was talkin’ to her, it hit me that even when she’s been part of our lives since Cord was what? Two? That until she left my brother, I didn’t really know her. But then again, with all the stuff that’s come to light in the past few months, I don’t think I ever really knew Casper either.
“It was weird, Joan askin’ about Casper’s relationship with our mother. I hadn’t thought of that in years. But it reminded me how Casper reacted after Ma died, which was totally different than his actions after Dad died.” He paused. “Still burns my ass how I found out that our father was dead…”
Without warning, almost against her will Carolyn popped up at the listening place like a cork, roused by the sadness in Carson’s tone. Disoriented, she only caught bits and pieces of what he was saying because his voice kept fading in and out.
What made him sound so sad?
She focused on the words, not the emotion, as she tried to avoid slipping back into the gray matter.
The word died leapt out at her.
What? He was talking about death? Who died?
Dear God. She wasn’t dead, was she? Was that the reason for his sadness?
No. He’d be inconsolable if it were her.
Concentrate.
Eerie silence surrounded her.
Then…burns my ass how I found out that our father was dead.
It clicked. And she was spun into another memory…
Seeing Casper’s truck pull into the drive so early in the morning set off Carolyn’s warning bells. He always made Carson go to him if something needed to be discussed about the ranch.
That man was more than a little off. She’d considered asking if Casper had been the deranged kid pulling the wings off butterflies, or torturing barnyard animals, but part of her didn’t want to know. She decided to give Carson a little time with his brother before she wandered outside. She had a legitimate excuse for interrupting; she’d talked to Joan two days ago and baby Dalton was fighting some kind of respiratory infection.