"You said you would answer my questions," Jackson demanded, his face tense as if my answer was of paramount importance.
"No, it was just an excuse. I felt too guilty. Guilty about Sean's condition that I had caused. Guilty about you giving up your opportunity. I thought it was best for everyone involved if I lied," I answered flatly. "Next question."
I wasn't prepared for Jackson's reaction. His mask slipped and his face was ravaged with pain. "Why, Emma. Why did you do it? You were my life. I would have given up everything for you."
"That was the problem," I said dully. "I didn't want you to give up everything for me." I didn't mention his betrayal. I didn't think I could take his matter-of-fact attitude about it again.
"What happened with Sean?" Jackson's face was remote again, the pain I had seen earlier having vanished.
"He got better through a lot of rehabilitation. He can walk, although he'll always have to use a cane."
"You never thought about starting again with him?"
I shook my head, wanting this conversation to be over. "No. He and my best friend fell in love and got married."
"You mean Trisha?"
I was surprised that Jackson remembered her name, but I just nodded. He stalked away from me, his back towards me as he stared out the window of my living room. I didn't know what to do so I just stayed silent.
When he finally turned back to me, he looked lost. "All these years I thought you were with Sean."
"Does it matter?" I asked sadly. Jackson walked towards me and I tensed when he gently grasped my cheek with one hand, lifting my head up to look at him.
"Of course it matters," he said softly. "If I had the slightest inkling that you wanted to be with me, that you didn't want to be with Sean, I wouldn't have let anything get between us." He hesitated before continuing. "The thing with Claire-"
"Stop," I said, my voice trembling. "Please, just stop. I can't talk about what you did with Claire. I realized long after we broke up that we weren't right for each other. I was young and naive. I'm not that person anymore. You said it yourself. I've changed."
"But I haven't," Jackson whispered, lowering his head. "I still want you."
My mind reeled when Jackson's lips touched mine. I wanted to push him away but I couldn't seem to control my body's reaction to him. Instead of being tentative, his kiss was demanding as his lips slanted over mine, insisting on a reaction. And my traitorous body gave it to him. My mouth opened, admitting him entry inside, and his tongue immediately entered, stroking mine frantically. I felt a desperation in both of us as Jackson pushed me against the wall, pressing his body against mine, his erection rock hard. Our kiss was wild and I felt out of control, but I couldn't seem to put a stop to it.
His hands seemed to be everywhere and I was vaguely aware of them at the front of my shirt, hearing buttons pop and roll on the floor as he ripped my blouse open. Our lovemaking had been intense in the past, but there was now a violence in his urgency that I had never felt before. He roughly pushed up my bra and broke our kiss, moving his head down to draw a nipple into his mouth, sucking painfully hard as his hands lowered to my belt, scrambling to unbuckle it.
I couldn't deny the pleasure I felt, my body hungering for his. But I was also frightened by the savagery of his touch. I didn't know this man that seemed intent on consuming me.
"Jackson, stop!" I pushed his hands from my belt, shocked when his hands slammed mine against the wall, imprisoning them while he continued his assault on my nipple. He then moved to the other nipple, suckling hard, and I watched him immobilized, not knowing what to do.
"You're hurting me," I finally whispered, even though a part of me wanted him to continue his rough treatment of my breasts. I couldn't deny the pool of wetness that was between my legs.
Jackson froze at my words and then released my nipple, lifting his head. His eyes looked wild as he stared at me, his gaze unfocused. He closed his eyes and took a deep uneven breath. He looked ashamed when he opened his eyes again, his gaze traveling down my body. The tips of my breasts were red and abraded from his mouth and my wrists were still trapped against the wall by his hands.
He stepped back, releasing my hands, and I hurriedly pushed my bra down and pulled together the edges of my gaping blouse. I looked down at the loose buttons on the floor, not knowing what to say.
"I'm sorry," he choked out. "I'm sorry, Emma."
I didn't look up as I heard him walk out and slam the door behind him. I couldn't move for a while as I just sagged against the wall, unable to believe what had just happened.
When I was finally able to move, I slowly made my way to my bedroom, feeling as if I were in a dream. I threw my ruined blouse in the trashcan and quickly shed the rest of my clothes, pulling on shorts and a t-shirt. My nipples were sore from Jackson's harsh treatment as they brushed against my t-shirt. But instead of angering me, the constant reminder was insidiously arousing. My fear had stopped Jackson, but I realized I was more afraid of what Jackson re-entering my life could do to me.
I couldn't stop thinking about him that night as I tried to sleep. I didn't think about what it meant when I got up and rummaged in my jewelry box, taking out the diamond pendant Jackson had once given me with love in his eyes. I didn't ponder the consequences of my emotional state of mind when I clasped it around my neck before returning to bed. I didn't make excuses when my hands drifted down underneath the waistband of my shorts, beneath my panties. I just wanted to feel. My fingers found my cleft slick with arousal and I imagined Jackson's mouth between my legs, suckling on my tight bud. One hand drifted back up to my nipples that were extra sensitized by their soreness. My hand was wet with my arousal and I imagined it was Jackson's mouth as my other hand rubbed my clit faster and faster, my hips rising from the bed as I felt tension mounting. I didn't hold back my cries when I found my release, calling out Jackson's name. I spent the rest of the night pretending that he was beside me, loving me.
Chapter Fifteen
It was hard not to jump every time my phone rang, wondering if it was Jackson. I found myself constantly checking my phone, feeling both relief and disappointment when I didn't hear from him. I told myself that even though I still had the same phone number as when we were dating, it probably wasn't noteworthy enough for Jackson to remember it. I put away the necklace he had given me, telling myself that it was a mistake to wear it, but it didn't stop me from thinking about him.
Long ago, I had banned myself from looking him up on the internet. It was too painful to see pictures of him with other women, to delve into the details of his life, whether they were reported accurately or not. But my last encounter with Jackson made the temptation too great and I soon found myself searching his name online. That's how I found out he was currently abroad promoting his movie. It made me breathe a little easier, realizing that there was an ocean separating me from Jackson.