Despite the distraction of work and Drew, the next few days seemed to crawl at a snail's pace and I kept wishing the hours would go by faster, yearning to see Jackson. I told myself it was because I was looking forward to finally getting closure on our relationship so that I could move on with my life, but I knew that was an excuse.
Saturday was sunny and hot and I dressed with more care than usual. I hoped my white shorts and blue oversized shirt with wedges made me look casual yet trendy. I didn't want Jackson to think I had put too much effort into my appearance, but I wanted his last encounter with me to make an impression. I had foolishly been wearing the diamond pendant since I had put it on the night of our phone conversation, but I made sure to take it off before leaving the apartment. The last thing I needed was for Jackson to see me wearing it, mortified that he would think I was still pining away for him.
I tried to remain calm when I climbed out of the cab in front of Andrews and saw Jackson standing in front of the diner. He was wearing another baseball cap, along with jeans and a green t-shirt. It was unfair that it took me so long to be satisfied with my appearance today yet Jackson looked amazing even though he had probably just thrown on clothes without a second thought.
"Hi," I said cautiously when I approached him, not knowing what the mood of our encounter would be today.
"Thanks for coming. I was afraid that you weren't going to show up." Jackson rocked back on his heels, looking uncomfortable as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "Let's go inside."
Jackson opened the door and I was careful not to brush up against him when I walked past him. Stepping into Andrews brought back a rush of memories. The diner looked exactly the same as it had five years ago. Even the aroma of grease and coffee was the same. We settled in a booth in a quiet corner of the diner, away from prying eyes. The last thing I wanted was for someone to recognize Jackson and start snapping pictures. The advent of the camera phone made every citizen into potential paparazzi.
"Aren't you worried about being recognized? Maybe you should be wearing sunglasses."
Jackson gave a faint smile. "New York is much better than L.A. The paparazzi don't hound you as much and New Yorkers don't really seem to care much about celebrities."
"If you say so," I said skeptically. Despite the ennui that many New Yorkers portrayed, I had seen their eager stares that night at Eleven Madison Park and I had definitely seen their phones held up to take pictures.
A waitress stopped by to take our order and I saw that some things had changed at Andrews. Darcy, an older woman with a grey streaked bun and a wicked sense of humor had been our usual waitress, but now a twenty-something girl took our order with an air of boredom.
"I'll have a coffee."
"Aren't you eating?" Jackson asked with a frown.
I shook my head. "No, but you go ahead if you're hungry." I watched Jackson order a coffee along with a breakfast laden with cholesterol and fat. I wanted to make a joke after the waitress left about watching his waistline for all his adoring female fans, but I bit my lip. We weren't friends and I had to remember the circumstances that we were meeting under. We were former lovers that had hurt each other and were now simply trying to lay our past to rest.
I expected Jackson to launch into his questions, but he just gave me a grim smile, fiddling with his cup of coffee.
"You look tired," I commented when the silence grew to be too much. Jackson had dark circles under his eyes and looked exhausted.
"I just flew in from Japan and I'm fighting jet lag."
I raised my eyebrows as I took a sip of my coffee to have something to do. "I assumed you were in L.A. when you called me, and was flying in from there."
"No, I just finished my last round of promotions in Europe and Asia. Thankfully, now I can just have some time to myself."
"That's good." I cleared my throat, wanting to get this over with. The longer I was with Jackson, the more vulnerable I felt. "So, go ahead and ask your questions."
"Do you mind if we shelve that until after I eat? I'm exhausted and starving, and I don't think I can take a stressful conversation on an empty stomach." Jackson looked up from his coffee cup that he had been staring at. "For a little while, can we just pretend that we're two friends catching up on each other's lives? If this is the last time we see each other, I don't want it all to be bitterness and past regrets."
Jackson's request was dangerous. It was dangerous to forget that this was the man who had shattered my heart. But I couldn't deny his plea because I also hungered to just talk to him. Five years was a long time and I couldn't carry the burden of his infidelity forever.
"Okay," I agreed with a guarded smile.
Jackson's shoulders slackened as if tension had been released from his body. He gave me a genuine smile that reminded me so much of the old days that I felt an ache. "Great. Tell me why you moved back to New York."
"I got a job offer here and it was too good to pass up. I was working at an ad agency in D.C. but it was a much smaller company." I paused, not wanting to be the only one sharing details. "So, how does it feel being a big celebrity?"
The sound of Jackson's rumbling laughter made my chest tighten, the familiarity of it painful. It reminded me that there had been a time when we shared everything, and his laughter had been a constant in my life.
"It's not what I expected it to be. I wish I could act without the whole fame thing. It's tiring and it gets old really fast."
"Still, it must be nice to have the whole world in love with you. Just the other day, I overheard two women in a shoe store swooning over you."
Jackson's smile vanished and his face darkened. "It's an artificial life in an artificial world. People don't love me. They love the fantasy of me."
I nervously fidgeted with my coffee cup, not knowing how to respond to Jackson's glum outlook.
"Enough of my moaning about life as a celebrity," Jackson said. lightening the mood. He paused while our waitress set his plate full of eggs and breakfast meats on the table. "How do you like living on the Upper West Side? It's probably a big change from the East Village."
"It has a lot more families and a lot less hipsters. I like it. It's a lot cleaner, at least." I watched Jackson digging into his food with relish, jet lag seemingly not affecting his appetite. "What about you? Do you have a place in New York?"
"I do. It's easier than staying in a hotel room since I spend so much time here."