“That’s just another great visual I needed.”
“You knew a lot stuff about me before we got married.”
“Not this.”
“You think I wanna talk about this, Chass? You think I wanna relive all that past shit with my wife? You can’t believe I get off hurtin’ you. And I know this big mess is hurtin’ you bad.” She heard the slosh of alcohol as Trevor tipped the bottle and drank again. His voice was whiskey rough. “Hurtin’ you, when I love you so goddamn much is killin’ me.”
That much wasn’t a lie. Which was probably why this situation tore her guts out.
Even now she didn’t doubt Trevor’s feelings for her. From the moment they’d slipped on their wedding rings and repeated their vows, Chassie hadn’t worried he’d cheat on her with another woman.
The idea of him cheating on her with another man had never crossed her mind.
Trevor interrupted her thoughts by saying, “I take that back. One person did know.”
“Who?”
“Colby. Only because he was our other travelin’ partner and he ah…came in at a bad time one night. He didn’t understand, but me’n him have been friends forever. Colby is of the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ mindset and Channing found out when she followed the circuit with us. Then Colby got injured and Ed went back to Brazil.”
A burst of anger ripped through Chassie. Her cousin Colby hadn’t warned her about marrying a man who was in love with another man? “Why did Edgard go back to Brazil?”
“Problems with his ranch down there. Problems with me because I couldn’t give him what he wanted.”
“Which was?”
“A monogamous relationship. I couldn’t be…” Trevor paced behind her. “Edgard is the only man I’d ever felt like that about and it freaked me out. Christ. I didn’t want to want him that way, but I did. Even after we started havin’ sex, I never quit bein’ with women. It wasn’t because I was in denial of bein’ gay or bi or any such shit. Edgard knew I wouldn’t give them up and he didn’t ask me to. That wasn’t fair to him. Hell, even if women had stopped appealin’ to me and I woulda been free to be only with him, I still wouldn’t have done it.”
“Why not?”
“I woulda lost everything. I know them kinda relationships are acceptable in a big city, but we both know that ain’t so out here.”
Chassie thought of her brother and the years he’d fought to hide what he was. That struggle led Dag to douse his bitterness with alcohol, causing him to make bad decisions and the combination had eventually killed him. “Was your time with Edgard just some kind of man-lust experiment?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then who am I supposed to ask, huh?” The smartass response tumbled out before she could stop it.
“I deserved that.” Clothing shifted. Liquor slopped against the bottle. “All I know, all I’ve ever known, all I ever wanted to be was a Wyoming rancher. Yeah, I chased the gold buckle due to family pressure, with my pa bein’ world champ and all. I fooled myself tryin’ to buy his pride by followin’ in his footsteps. Truth was, I hid on the circuit. I didn’t wanna go home and ranch with him because the thought of spendin’ every day of the rest of my life at my pa’s beck and call was the worst kinda punishment. Can you imagine how cruel my family—and everyone in the community—would’ve treated me if they’d known how I felt about Edgard?”
She froze. “How did you feel about him?”
“Chassie—”
“Did you love him?” Do you still love him?
“C’mere.” Trevor urged Chassie to face him. “It’s been three and a half years since I’ve seen or talked to Edgard, Chassie. I’m in love with you. You’re my wife. You’re everything I ever wanted. You’re the one I chose.”
“How can I believe that you didn’t settle for me because you didn’t have the balls to choose Edgard? Now he’s here. You’ve broken with your family. This could be your chance to finally be with him. You don’t have to settle for your second choice.”
Trevor trapped Chassie’s face in his hands. “Listen to me. You weren’t sloppy seconds or the goddamned consolation prize. From the moment we met, you were it for me, you understand? I fell madly, crazily in love with you. Just you.”
She didn’t want to cry, but dammit, the tears started falling again.
“Chassie, baby, you weren’t my last choice; you were my first choice. My only choice. I wanted to give you everything that I’d never given another human being: my loyalty, my faithfulness, my love, and my name. I cannot imagine my life without you.”
His fingers tightened on her scalp. “I’ll send Edgard away. He never should’ve come here and I shouldn’t have let him stay.”
“That’s not the issue.”
“Then what is?”
“You should’ve told me about him—who he was to you—from the start. I knew you weren’t a saint when I married you, Trevor. I could give a shit who you’d bedded before we met. Dammit, we’ve talked about some of the women you f**ked, the women I know personally, and your preference for threesomes. Honestly, those didn’t bother me. But you not tellin’ me about your relationship with Edgard? That bothers me. You’ve assigned significance to him by keepin’ your past relationship with him hidden.” She scrutinized his too-blank face and felt as if a brick wall had sprouted between them. “He was very important to you, wasn’t he?”
Finally Trevor nodded.
Her stomach sank as if she’d swallowed a spur. “I can’t handle you keepin’ things like this from me. I lived in that world of half-truths and secrets for years, and I won’t ever again.”
“So did I. Which is why I didn’t tell you about him.”
They stared at each other for several excruciating minutes, at an absolute stalemate.
“So what now?” Trevor asked.
“I don’t know. I need some time to sort it out. And you and Edgard need to talk. Not only about what happened in the corral today, but about your unresolved issues from the past and why he tracked you down now.” Chassie removed Trevor’s hands from her face.
“I can’t be with you until that’s settled.”
“But—”