Her thoughts drifted momentarily to Dag. No one in their family would’ve granted him that false sense of security, even temporarily.
“I returned to the States when I was twenty-two to make a name for myself in U.S.
rodeo. Figured out PDQ how ‘real’ cowboys feel about g*ys so I stayed in the closet. Had a few random encounters in bigger cities. Was lonely as hell but making enough money to buy my own place in Brazil. I stuck it out for two years before I thought about going home.
“Then I met Trevor. Instantly fell hard, but somehow managed to keep that from him. I was just goddamn happy to be around him all the time. We traveled together as partners, relied on each other for everything until one day he began to look at me differently. And I knew he’d picked up on how I felt about him. I also knew it f**ked him up. By the end of the first year of our partnership we were lovers.
“And yeah, I harbored romantic delusions about him pulling up stakes and moving with me to Brazil. After another two years passed of us being together, but not really being together, I left him because I wanted his public acknowledgement of our relationship. Having it in private wasn’t good enough for me.”
Chassie bit her lip to keep from crying at the unfiltered anguish in his voice.
“Goddamn, I was so childish and needy about proving to everyone that he belonged to me. So stupidly self-righteous and so very, very wrong that I threw it away on a lie.”
“A lie?”
“A total f**king lie.” Edgard punched the couch cushion, shocking Chassie and himself with his angry gesture. “Sorry. It’s just… About a year and a half after I returned home, my mother died in a car accident. In addition to losing the only person who’d understood me, my father— stepfather—told me his true feelings; he didn’t accept me as a g*y man, never had, never would. I was perverted, an embarrassment to his name, his family, to God and the church. He expected me to leave and never return. Problem was, as the oldest male child I was set to inherit everything of my mother’s, which meant cutting out his children.”
“Your brothers and sister?”
“Yep. He bribed a government official and the verdict handed down decreed we had to sell the homestead that’d been in my family for seven generations.” He closed his eyes.
“I never once thought about cheating my siblings out of any money and they made me feel so…dirty for everything I was. Everything I thought they’d accepted about me. I lost my mother, my ancestral home, my family, and my…dignity.”
“Edgard—”
“The final cut was when my stepfather told everyone in my hometown selling had been my idea because I wanted to live in Sao Paulo with my male lover. I became a pariah. The church forbade me from even visiting my mother's grave.”
She couldn’t speak.
“So see. I know about difficult family issues. I’ve lost everything that ever mattered to me.”
Except Trevor.
Edgard didn’t say it; he didn’t have to.
Her heart seemed to shatter into a billion pieces. That’s why Edgard had come back.
Not to steal Trevor away, but to remind himself of something that’d been good in his life.
Or maybe he’d come back to cement his disillusionment that his time with Trevor hadn’t been the sunshiny rainbows he’d remembered?
Poor Edgard. Still grasping at straws, even when he knew them to be hollow. God. It wasn’t fair. Why did everything have to be so damn hard? Chassie placed her hands over her face and sobbed.
Strong arms wrapped around her. It took a while for the warmth and heat to offer any solace and she felt guilty for taking from Edgard when she should’ve been giving to him.
“It’s not fair. It’s so not fair. Why does bad shit always seem to happen to good people?”
Breathy kisses dotted the crown of her head. “I’m sorry about Cam, sweetheart.”
She lifted her face from his wet shirtfront and blinked at him. “You think that’s why I’m cryin’?”
Leeriness entered his eyes. “Yes.”
“I’m not cryin’ about Cam, you big dummy. I’m cryin’ about you.”
“Me?” he repeated.
“My heart is busted clean apart after hearin’ what you’ve been through. Alone.
You’re hurtin’ so bad and I just wanna fix it. Goddammit, I’d hoped we’d gotten past these secrets and you’ve been keepin’ a big one from me and I’ll bet Trevor too, huh?
He nodded warily.
“I wanna punch you and I wanna hug you, you big stupid jerk.” Chassie mashed her face into Edgard’s chest as more tears poured out in hiccupping stutters.
She tried to squirm away after she’d calmed down. “Sorry about blubbering all over you and swearin’ at you.”
Edgard tipped her chin up. His eyes were wet and shone pure gold. “Do you realize you’re the first person who’s cried for me? It is very humbling. Very sweet, and so very…you, Chassie. You’ve a soft heart and an iron will. It is a potent combination.”
A funny tickle started low in her belly. “Ah. Thanks.”
Edgard’s eyes zeroed in on her mouth. Their bodies were still locked together. “Can you smile for me? So I can taste the happiness on your lips when I kiss you?”
“You’re finally gonna kiss me?”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“With all the sexual gymnastics we’ve tried, the one thing you haven’t done is give me a real kiss.”
“Why do you think that is, querida?”
“Maybe because you prefer a mustache on the upper lip of the person you’re smooching?”
Edgard laughed softly. “Trevor doesn’t have a mustache.”
“Maybe you just prefer Trevor?”
“Could be. But how will I know I don’t prefer your kisses if I don’t give you a fair shot, hmm?”
“Sounds logical.” Chassie moistened her lips in expectation.
He bent his head, his gaze solely focused on her lips. Then a soft press of his mouth to hers. He retreated a fraction of an inch, letting his breath fan over hers, letting her anticipation build.
And build.
Her nervous habit of biting her lower lip had him growling. He nibbled the fleshy inside rim. His tongue dipped in, delicately tracing the seam, back and forth. Each wet stroke delved a little deeper. But never all the way.
A whimper escaped.
Then Edgard’s hands were on her head and he kissed her voraciously. Thrusting his tongue past her teeth, tasting every inch of her mouth as thoroughly as he pleased.