I let out a long sigh. "I—I guess I owe you an explanation, huh?"
"You don’t have to tell me anything," Jax said, combing his fingers through my hair slowly. "When I saw you so upset because of that piece of shit, I didn’t ask what he had done to you because I didn’t need to. If anyone ever makes you feel that way, they have to go. If you want to tell me about it, I’m here to listen. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine too."
I looked up at him, searching his eyes for any hint that he was lying to me.
Jax looked right back at me, his gaze open and sincere. He brushed a strand of hair out of my face. "Whatever you choose, I’m never going to let anyone make you that upset ever again. I promise."
Even though Jax and I hadn’t known each other that long, but there was something happening between us. We both sensed that. He had proven he was committed to me beyond the silly games we played, but I was still hiding who I really was from him.
Jax might not think of me the same way after he found out but I still had to tell him. It wasn’t fair for me to lead him on, to let him think that I was someone that I wasn’t.
I took a deep breath.
"We dated for over two years," I said quietly. "It was a long time ago."
Jax’s strong hand slid over mine and squeezed. I turned toward him, and quickly tilted my head down so he wouldn’t see my face red from crying.
"The first six months were incredible," I said, a half-smile breaking through my tears with the memory. "I’d just started college, he was a junior. He introduced me to all the right friends, got me into the right parties. We had a blast, but then we had a fight."
I felt Jax’s body tense up, and he held me closer protectively.
"It wasn’t—it wasn’t like you might be thinking. He didn’t hit me, or anything," I said, the recollection still too fresh in my mind. "He just stormed out when I got mad at him. And he didn’t come back. I found out the next day that he’d gone out and slept with another girl."
He grimaced, and nodded for me to continue.
"I was furious. But he—he was totally calm, and he said I was being irrational. He started twisting around everything I said." My voice was flat, and I tried to keep myself as calm as I could. Deep breaths. "He said he thought we were broken up, said it was my fault he cheated. He said I’d broken up with him when I yelled at him. Somehow, he convinced me to beg for him to come back."
"He sounds like an ass**le." Jax’s teeth were gritted, but he held me tighter in his arms.
"I know that, now," I said, drying my tears with the back of my hand. "I just didn’t when I was nineteen."
Jax shook his head.
My eyes brimmed over with tears again. "So I got back together with him," I choked out. "I know, pathetic right? But at the time, I was just so happy that he took me back. It was only a couple months later when I started noticing little things. He was spending all his time on his phone, and he put a password on his laptop."
"Did you ask him why?"
"Yeah. He said he had a project for work, and that the laptop password was in case his computer got stolen. It was all just plausible enough to be true."
"But you stayed suspicious. You’re not stupid."
"Yeah. At least, I thought I wasn’t stupid," I said, my voice bitter at the memory. "Connor changed all that."
"Why?" Jax growled, the anger palpable in his voice.
I squeezed the pillow in front of me. It was hard to talk about, and my words were slow to come out. "He denied everything. Worse than denied. He told me I was being crazy. Being controlling, paranoid, you name it. He told me I was sick in the head, that I needed to see a psychiatrist. A—And I believed him, Jax."
He started to say something, but I cut him off. "I mean, he was right wasn’t he? I was the one who got back with him even after what he did, right? I—it’s so stupid," I said feeling my eyes sting. "I was so stupid."
"You’re not crazy or stupid," Jax said, his jaw muscles working. "He was gaslighting you, messing with your head, making you doubt yourself."
I felt my body tense with anxiety. "That’s exactly what it was like," I said, my hands balling into fists. "It got to the point where it was hard to sort out what was real and what wasn’t. I was gullible. I was stupid."
Jax suddenly looked stricken and shook his head, letting out a long exhale. "Fuck. I didn’t realize."
"Didn’t realize what?"
"How bad it was for you when I pulled that stunt with the groupies," he said, cringing at the memory. "I had no idea it would actually hurt you. It was just supposed to be a joke."
Embarrassment flooded through me. "I shouldn’t have taken it the way I did," I said, my cheeks getting hot. "I just thought I wasn’t good enough. Connor wrecked my confidence. ‘No one wants a crazy girl,’ he’d tell me. He used to say he was just in it for the crazy girl sex."
Jax reached out and wiped away my tears. "So why’d you finally ditch him?"
A shiver ran through me, and I was silent for a long moment.
"I—I didn’t," I said at last. "He ditched me."
"What?"
"And when he did, I didn’t even know what was real any more. He’d lied to me for so long that I thought I deserved it."
Jax’s eyes got sad, and he ran his fingers through my hair, waiting for me to continue.
I closed my eyes. "I was on a class trip to France. We barely talked the whole time. Fought a bunch before I went, but he told me to bring back the kitschiest tourist souvenir I could."
"What’d you get him?"
"Eiffel tower keychain, tacky fake silver. Five euros."
"Good choice."
"Yeah. I gave it to him and he said he had a gift for me—" my voice broke, but I cleared my throat. I didn’t want Jax to know this part still bothered me. "It was this ring, a ruby with diamonds around it. He said it wasn’t an engagement ring, but close."
"So this was pretty serious."
"I thought so. Until my best friend told me a week later that they’d slept together while I was away."
He cringed. "Fuck."
"I was so angry." I still remembered the night in vivid detail—the yellow dress I’d been wearing, the way my right heel blistered as I walked through the night on my new shoes. "I went to his house to scream at him and when I did, he laughed in my face."