“Hey Hunter?” I stroked his arm soothingly. He was shifting around in his seat, an uneasy grimace on his face.
“Yeah. Mmhm. The amusement park.”
“Remember how we threw the rocks at the old booth game and it fell down?” I asked. I smiled ostentatiously for him. It had been a fun night, and I wanted him to remember it. Hopefully that would get Hunter to think about happier times instead of the results looming over us.
“What about it?”
“Well, I’m happy you won Bernie for me at the carnival last week. I’m glad we finally got a chance to play some real―”
“—can’t provide for them. We’re up shit creek in debt. Last week they took my car. They’re coming for the house next. Disability ain’t comin’ close to makin’ the payments.”
I looked over across the room, feeling a little uneasy myself. The man had started sobbing quietly into his hands. When I turned back to Hunter, the muscles on his neck were tense and he was breathing heavily.
I tried to get him to meet my eyes but he was fixated on the scene across the room. “Talk to me,” I pleaded. “Please.”
“—used to look up to me. I had a job. Construction. Now I can’t even walk, forget about working. I’m a burden on them. Now with this damn MS I’m useless. What have I got to live for?”
Hunter bolted upright, almost knocking over the chair. Then he turned on his heel, his body a tight rod of tension, and stormed out.
I sat stunned.
“Wait!” I yelled, but he was already through the doors. I shot up to my feet and followed.
When I got outside he was in the parking lot, pacing back and forth. I sprinted to him, heart pounding and reached for his wrist. His forearm was a tight bundle of muscle, but he didn’t pull away.
Hunter stopped pacing and shook his head. I paused to catch my breath, but I didn’t let go of his arm. His entire body was trembling.
“Sorry,” he said. “I just can’t listen to that guy anymore.”
“It’s going to be okay,” I said, panting.
“No, it’s not,” he said. He pointed angrily at the doors of the clinic. “Did you see him? Hear how miserable he was? That could be me in a year!”
“It won’t be like that.”
“Can you promise me that?”
“I . . . ” I knew I couldn’t do that. No one could promise that, but I had to believe that it would be okay. I tried again. “No matter what happens, I’ll be there with you. We can deal with it together. You know that!”
“What if we can’t?”
Frustration clenched in my chest. What was he talking about? I thought we had worked this out. Why was he talking this way now?
The words poured out of his mouth. “Even with you by my side maybe I can’t deal with it. Maybe I’m not the guy you think I am. Maybe I won’t be able to handle finding out that I’m gonna end up being crippled or worthless or dead in a few months. Maybe I’m just too weak . . .”
He looked away from me, his face red.
A knife sliced through my heart, making every breath difficult to take. Was he just saying those things because he was scared or did he really mean them? Hearing those words come from his mouth hurt more than anything he could have said at that moment.
A bubbling fury rose in my chest, ready to explode.
“STOP IT!” I yelled, stomping my foot. “How can you even say those things? If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably be at the bottom of a lake right now.”
My vision was starting to get blurry and my face wet, but I didn’t care. If people passing through the parking lot wanted to watch me cry, so be it.
Hunter didn’t say anything, his fists working at his side.
I hit him on the chest as tears beaded and fell down my face, trying to drive every word into his heart. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be numb and empty because of what happened to my parents. You were the only one could drag me out.”
He grabbed at my hands to stop me from hitting him. “Lorrie, stop . . .”
I wrenched my hands away. I wasn’t done yet.
“If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be hiding in bed, afraid of the world, afraid of everything. Every time I fell, it was your strength that picked me up off the floor so don’t you dare say you’re weak. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met!”
My lungs felt like they were about to burst. I angrily wiped my eyes and shook the tears off of the back of my hand. Pursing my lips, I stared at him defiantly, daring him to challenge what I had said.
Hunter stared right back at me, his chest heaving. At first I thought he was going to argue with me, but the intensity in his eyes faded away into sorrow.
I knew that he’d been fighting this battle for a long time before I came into his life and I knew that it wasn’t easy for him. I also knew that he was a lot stronger than he gave himself credit for. Maybe no one had ever told him that, maybe he just needed to hear it from me, but I knew that he had it in him.
I took a few deep breaths to steady myself. Then I continued more softly. “I know this is your choice to make, but if finding out the results of this test will help the doctors treat you better, then I think you should go back in there. Whatever happens, I know you’re strong enough to face it.”
Hunter puffed up his cheeks and blew out a long breath. “You still think I’m strong?” he asked, “Even after you’ve seen how scared I am?”
“There’s nothing wrong with being scared. I’m scared too. Maybe I’m even more scared than you, but someone I love once told me that when you’re in a fight being afraid of getting hit is worse than the hit itself.”
He shook his head in disbelief and ran a hand through his hair. Then he turned to look at me again before lifting his face to the sky and sucking in a deep breath through his teeth. When he exhaled, it was like all the tension had left his body.
Hunter wrapped his arms around me. I let myself sink into him for a moment, before I threw my arms around him too and hugged him close to me. We had to face this battle together.
When we finally untangled ourselves from each other, a small smile cracked on his lips and he met my eyes sheepishly.
“I gotta be careful what I say around you,” he said. “Else you’re gonna use it against me someday.”
I choked out a laughed, still sniffling and slapped his arm lightly.
Hunter smiled and looked down at the asphalt, lost in his thoughts for a few moments. After a while, he looked at me, his eyes sharp and clear. “Thanks for not letting me do something stupid again. I know it’s been difficult for you.”