The muscles in his jaw tightened and then relaxed. “I met you.”
He took my hand and squeezed it. “I saw that you were dealing with so much pain, so I wanted to be your rock. I didn’t want you to pity me and just see me as some sick dying patient!”
Heavy puffs of his warm breath rose from him. His eyes were full and glistening with emotion.
“I wouldn’t have . . . ” I started to say that I wouldn’t have looked at him that way, but my voice trailed off when I realized that was a lie. Just moments ago when he had told me about his condition, that was exactly how I had started to see him.
When I was at school, a lot of people tiptoed around me like I was going to have a breakdown any moment. Hunter was different. He had treated me like I was still a real person, not a pity case. Maybe I was still struggling with how I was coming to terms with Hunter’s condition, but I was determined to see through it to the real man underneath.
“Hunter, I understand why you were worried, but you didn’t even give me a chance. I told you all of my secrets. Why did you keep this from me? I never would have even left Studsen if I knew!”
My heart pounded in helpless fury at the stupid things we did and could never take back. I was angry at Hunter and I was angry at myself.
He shook his head vigorously. “I wanted to help you with your pain, not add my problems to yours. That’s why you had to leave Studsen, isn’t it? Because something happened? I woulda never forgave myself if I was the only reason you stayed.”
“But why? I thought we were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to save each other!”
I stomped my foot, shaking up some of the dirt on the ground. Hunter held his other hand to the side of my face and leaned in until our foreheads were touching. His gray eyes were soft liquid pools I wanted to drown in. “We can still save each other. Just give us a chance.”
I let out a choked sob, unable to stand looking at his hopeful expression. His breath blew softly against my face as his chest rose and fell. Hunter was dealing with a horrible disease without a cure, and I was still no closer to moving on from how my parents died. I knew I loved him. I just didn’t know if our love was something that could work with everything else in our lives.
“How can we save each other if you won’t even ask for help when you need it?” I asked weakly.
He shook his head desperately. “You don’t know how sorry I am, Lorrie,” he said. He looked up to the sky and took a deep breath. “What we had was something special, and I ruined it. I know I shoulda told you sooner. Knew it then too, I think.”
No. Hunter wasn’t the only one who ruined it. I was responsible too. I tried to be normal and have a normal life, but I messed it up. Even before everything fell apart, I knew that what was happening between us would lead to disaster. And now that I knew about Hunter’s condition, would I even be strong enough to help him deal with it?
Gary’s voice broke into my thoughts. You’re no good for each other.
I turned my head away from Hunter and he let his hand drop. “That’s not the only problem. I care about you, and I want you to be okay, but when we were together . . . maybe everything wasn’t as perfect as you thought it was.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, concern furrowing his brow.
I pulled my hand away from him. “We stayed in your apartment for days just so we could have more sex! How was that healthy? We were hiding from reality!”
“How many people have had to deal with the things we’re going through?” he shot back. “Don’t you think we deserved a little break?”
“Not like that! A little break could become a permanent vacation for us. Everyone else around us saw it, but we were so deep into each other that we didn’t see what was happening.”
His voice rose. “Who did you hear that from? Was it Ada? I swear to God, if she’s trying to f**k with you―”
I slapped my hands against my thighs in anger. “No! Stop it! This isn’t about Ada or anybody else! It’s about us. Don’t you see? We could have avoided this mess.”
He stared at me for several seconds, breathing hard. “Yeah, I know,” he said finally. His eyes moved from my face back to the gray sky. “I f**ked it up, but I’m trying to make it right.”
I thought about what had happened after I’d received Marco’s letter.
“No, it’s not just you. It’s me too. We’re like two people drowning. We weren’t careful and got our limbs tangled together and then we both sank to the bottom!”
“Lorrie, it’s not like that―”
“Yes it is!” I yelled. “Look at what happened to us. You took a fight and got beaten up right after you came out of the hospital.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Hunter continued to protest.
“It was my fault! And it was your fault too! It was our fault!”
My breaths were coming quickly now, almost panting. It looked like my words were slowly sinking in and I could tell he was trying to think about it.
I tried to steady myself. “It’s not that I don’t care about you, or that I don’t want to be with you. I just don’t know if we can make it work without hurting each other.”
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, making it messier. “Fine, maybe it was our fault. We got a little too intense. But you know what Lorrie? I’ve never felt anything like being with you. I know you feel the same way too. That’s gotta be something right?”
His looked at me, his eyes expectant and challenging, but I didn’t know how to face him. I looked down at my shoes, trying to put into words how I felt.
“I don’t know,” I said, sighing deeply. Nothing made sense. I was drained and exhausted and I didn’t want to argue anymore. When I woke up that morning, I thought I would never see Hunter again. Now, he was here in front of me, had a horrible illness, and wanted to work things out. My temples were pounding and I could barely even think straight.
He took my hand in his. “Please, Lorrie. We can do this.”
I massaged my forehead, but it did nothing to ease the pounding pain. I didn’t know if what Hunter wanted was possible or not, but we couldn’t just keep pushing each other away. If I’d learned anything the past couple months, it was that Hunter and I couldn’t be just friends. Keeping each other at arm’s length would only lead to more pain. Still, how could we build something healthy together?