But I want to hear her other answer. It’s important.
“Because it’s evidence of my crazy,” she says. “You know when I said I love too much? The restraining order is part of that, and I like to pretend it never happened.”
Like to pretend it never happened. I can’t get to that point. The things I’ve done are still real in my mind—every moment, every day. They consume me and eat at me, and even though I have learned to regret them, I can’t move away from them. What I’d give to pretend they never happened.
I suspect that, despite what she says, it’s the same for her—that she can never escape the things she keeps running from. I admire her for trying.
So, as if I have any power to make it true, I give her this wish. “Then it never did.” I kiss her nose, and for this one moment, I let words wash away past sins—both of ours. Mine and hers. “We’ve all done insane things in the past. I’d never hold it against you.”
In this time and space, I’m captured by her—connected in a way that goes beyond the physical. I know her at a depth that she can never understand.
And that’s when I return to reality. I can’t keep this connection. I have to let it go, have to push her away. Alayna Withers cannot belong to me. “Just another reason romantic love holds no interest for me. People get crazy with it.”
Why does my stomach twist from this reminder? This is all that can be between us. What else would there be? Even if I can feel something for her—which is far-fetched in itself—I am incapable of any emotion she deserves.
I force myself to relax and focus my attention on her. “But going back to the heart of this conversation—why does that have a bearing on a relationship between you and me?”
She sits up suddenly. “I freaked out, Hudson. About a guy. Several guys, actually, but it was the last one that ended not well.”
I sit up next to her. “And do you think you’re going to ‘freak out’ about me?” I’m afraid of her answer. I don’t want to freak her out. I don’t want to break her.
Yet I can’t deny that there is a part of me—a very sick and disgusting part of me—that wants exactly that. Not because I want her to fall apart or because I want Celia to win, but because I want Alayna’s attention. I want her focused on me.
Whatever she says, I realize, it will be a disappointment.
I hold my breath while she answers.
“I really can’t honestly tell you. I’ve stayed away from any relationship for a while so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Trying to have something now with you—it’s uncharted territory for me.” She looks up and meets my eyes. “I haven’t freaked out so far. With you. And I don’t want to not have sex with you again. I mean…” She turns away, blushing.
I see her struggle, and I wish to God that I could let her go. For her sake, not mine. If I could simply walk away, this would be so much easier for her. Even if I followed through with Celia’s game, I understand that it is this—the pursuit of her outside the game—that will do the most harm to Alayna.
But I can’t let her go. I’m too much of a selfish ass.
I wrap my arms around her and nibble on her ear. “You’re adorable when you’re flustered. I don’t want to not have sex with you again either. So we won’t do that. We’ll have tons of incredible sex instead.”
She surrenders into my embrace. “I’m not saying yes, yet. I have to take this one day at a time.”
If I had a conscience, I’d be more supportive of her declaration. “Alayna, you might have to take this one day at a time, but I already know there will be tons of f**king between the two of us.” I pull her closer. Holding her like this, talking to her so intimately, it’s made me hard. “In fact, I’m going to have to be inside you again before you leave for work.”
She glances down at my erection and then peers back up at me. “Like right now?”
The way she’s looking at me with big lust-filled eyes, it takes everything I have not to pull her beneath me and plow into her. But I only succumb to a kiss. Then the intercom buzzes and dinner has arrived.
In the few minutes that I’m away from her—getting our food and paying the deliverer—I gather my wits. When I return to the bedroom, I’m more together. She still drives me crazy with her long fantastic legs and her perfect pouty lips, but it’s manageable. We flirt and I feed her and we banter about. It’s nice, actually. Comfortable.
Then we swing around to the topic that has both of us on our toes—our relationship. Our wants are actually very much the same. She wants to be with me sexually without any attachment. I want to be with her sexually without any attachment. Yet, we both fear it’s not possible.
Pretending that I have any self-control when it comes to her, I tell her that sex in the future is her decision. I mean it at the moment, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to resist pushing her if it comes to that. I can’t resist her. I already know this. My intent, though, is what matters now, and she seems to appreciate it. We make headway, setting boundaries and terms. Just talking about it relaxes us both.
Until she brings up fidelity.
Alayna will not f**k others while she’s in a relationship with me. It’s not debatable. The mere idea of her touching another man makes my chest tighten, and I finally understand what it means to see red. And I’m back to feeling out of sorts and out of control. Because I’ve never felt this possessive about a woman I’m f**king. I’ve never demanded faithfulness. I’ve never offered it from myself. For the most part, I have been loyal to one lover at a time, but only because it was easier. Never because a sexual commitment actually meant something to me.
Alayna has agreed to fidelity, thank God, but she wants to know my intentions. Any other woman and I’d dodge the question. Or I’d find ways of making her forget she’d even asked. I don’t do that now.
Meeting Alayna’s eyes, I brace a palm on each of her legs. “I’m not a slut, Alayna. This loft has been used for sex, yes, but I have it so I can be close to my office, not for f**king.” I brush a strand of hair off her face, mostly to distract myself from the weight of what I can’t stop from saying. “I will be as faithful as I expect you to be.”
It feels right to give this to the girl in front of me. To say these words. They’re a promise that I know I’ll have no trouble keeping, but they scare the ever-living f**k out of me.