“I don’t know. Maybe I could.” Shit, did I really just say that?
I wandered into the front room, nervous energy driving me to keep moving.
He followed. “Maybe. You said maybe.”
“Maybe,” I said again. “I need some time to think about it. Like a lot of time. This is completely out-of-the-blue and crazy, but out-of-the-blue has worked in my favor before.” I’d jumped JC that night in the club without any premeditation. “Still. I’d need some time. At least a few weeks. Maybe longer. So my answer is maybe.” What the fuck was I saying?
I forced myself to breathe, in and out, instead of having a full-out panic attack like I kind of wanted to have.
Maybe isn’t yes, I told myself. Maybe is fine. Maybe is acceptable.
Jesus, how could I even be considering this?
I turned to him, hoping he’d be happy that I hadn’t exactly said no.
He wasn’t. He was frowning, shaking his head. “I don’t have…” He made an exasperated noise, sort of like a sigh with a little bit of a groan. “I’m not asking for ‘in a few weeks.’ Today, Gwen. Marry me today.”
“Oh, no. No way.” Hell, no. In fact, now I might actually have a panic attack because how could he even be thinking that I would marry him today? It was ludicrous. It was unfathomable. It was completely and utterly insane.
Had I fallen in love with a lunatic? That would be my luck. And whether or not he was a lunatic, was I ruining everything I had with him by being the only sane one between us?
I took more deep breaths, did more wandering of the hotel suite at a speed that could better be described as pacing, except that it was not in any sort of straight line.
JC was right on my heels. “Stop freaking out. I’m serious. This is good.”
I circled around the couch, but he turned so when I got to the other side, he was waiting there. “We’ll fly to Vegas and be man and wife before nightfall.”
I turned and headed toward the bedroom.
“Think about it, Gwen. We could spend the whole night making love.”
I spun around so fast I practically bumped into him. “We can spend the night making love without getting married. Here. In New York City.”
He circled his arms around my waist, lacing his hands to hold me still. “I know, but it will be different.”
His arms were heaven. His arms were peace. They calmed me and comforted me even though they made me a little bit dizzy at the same time.
Not dizzy enough to think about taking his proposal seriously. But dizzy enough to remember how much I loved being held by him.
“Think about how much better it will be to be married,” he said. “We’ll be together like this all the time. Together for real. Nothing can come between us.”
I put my hands around his neck and placed a kiss on his sternum. “That sounds wonderful, JC. But that’s not what marriage means. Those are things you decide in a relationship together, and they don’t just happen overnight. They don’t just happen with a ring and an I do.”
He leaned his forehead against mine and rocked us from side to side. “So let’s decide to be together all the time. That we’re together for real. And that nothing can come between us. And we’ll seal the deal with a wedding. I have to go to Vegas anyway.”
He was so sincere, so persistent…and he’d been so magnificent to me, especially in the last twenty-four hours. And I loved him.
But that just wasn’t enough.
“No.” It was enough to make me feel bad though. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t do that.”
He pushed me away, frustrated. He ran a hand through his hair then put it on his hip. “Why not?”
I shook my head, not knowing how to answer anymore.
“Why. Not?” he repeated, separating each word. He placed his palm on his chest. “My heart is open, Gwen. Is yours?”
“This has nothing to do with my heart being open, JC. This is about practicality.” I wrapped my arms around myself. I was frustrated now too. I didn’t like having my feelings challenged. I had a hard enough time accepting and acknowledging what I felt. To have it then scrutinized and confronted made me very uncomfortable.
He hit the closet with his fist, not as hard as he’d punched the wall, just loud enough to make sound. “Fuck practicality. Marry me.”
“I said no.” My tone was low and stern. Final.
Irritated, I headed to the nightstand and started looking for my phone. I knew I should call Norma soon and find out what she wanted me to do about Dad, but mostly it was an excuse for something to do. Look for my phone so I didn’t have to stand there and have a face-off with my one-day boyfriend about whether or not we should get married. Today.
I didn’t find it on my side of the bed, so I crossed to the side JC had slept on and found it under the Advil. I took three of those as well, swallowing them without water. I needed them, and not just because my face was throbbing.
JC stood the whole time by the closet, watching me.
When I looked up at him, he took advantage of my gaze to try again. “Tell me why. Give me a good reason why. Do you not really love me?”
How long does it take Advil to start working?
Despite the headache he’d given me, I did love him. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to push him away. I wanted him to understand.
I went to him and took his hand in mine. “Of course, I love you. I really do. But JC, be real. The only thing we really have between us is sex. I hope—” That isn’t the right word. “No, I know that we have potential for more. For so much more. But that’s going to take time to create and work out. We can’t get married on the basis of physical compatibility and emotional potential. That’s not how you build a great marriage.”
He brushed a hand across my cheek. “You’re thinking with your head, Gwen. Stop thinking with your head and listen to your heart.”
I closed my eyes and tried to understand how we’d gotten to this point. Our entire relationship had been unorthodox, but this was way off course. He was so desperate, like he thought he’d lose me. Had I made him feel like I wasn’t going to stick around? Or had something happened to—
It was the phone call. Jesus, of course it was. I’d been so stunned by the proposal I’d almost forgotten the connection. That had been what triggered this…this…whatever this was. Who on earth had he been talking to? And what the hell could inspire this much panic?