“Will I need to be there?” I stopped breathing while I waited to be told whether I was going to be bait or not.
Thankfully, the officer shook his head. “We don’t think so. We’d prefer that you aren’t, actually.”
I sighed audibly. “Okay. I prefer that too.”
Norma smiled reassuringly. “Matt already said you could take as much time off as you need. He completely understands.”
“Thanks. I’ll think about that.” Really, I couldn’t think about anything anymore. My thoughts were a buzz like a radio dial not quite set on a station. For the rest of the interview, while Officer Taylor took down my report, while he photographed my face, while he dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s, I buzzed. Anything that floated across my mind was lost to the interference. Nothing took hold. Nothing touched me.
I had no idea how much later it was when Officer Taylor made his farewell and Norma and I sat alone with our brother and his boyfriend. At some point, someone had gotten me my own coffee—Eric, maybe—and I warmed my hands around it now. Strange how cold I felt when the shop was stuffy and stifling.
Norma sat back in her seat and studied me for several seconds. Finally she said, “Do me a favor, will you? Take a deep breath. This part is over. Let it go.”
I was tempted to argue with her—I needed my tension; it made me feel safe—but my shoulders were beginning to hurt and my jaw had locked from clenching. Maybe trying to relax wasn’t such a bad idea.
Somewhat grudgingly, I inhaled and then exhaled. I did it again. After the third time, I actually felt a little less stressed. I rolled my neck from side to side and shook out my arms.
“Better?”
“Yes. Thank you. I needed that.”
“I know.” She turned to Ben. “How about you? How are you holding up?”
A glance at my brother said that the day hadn’t been a picnic for him either. “I don’t know,” he said. “I really thought when we did this ten years ago that it was going to be the end.”
“We all did.” Norma’s voice sounded tired, and I realized in that moment that even though she’d missed living with the worst of our father, she’d been fighting him most her life just the same. For us. I was amazed she wasn’t more exhausted.
Ben shifted in his seat a few times, and I recognized the awkwardness of hard emotions. Ones that were heavy and difficult to carry, let alone talk about. “It’s not fair,” he said finally, his jaw working. “It’s not fair that he still gets to make us scared.”
Eric offered his hand and Ben took it, gripping his fingers around his boyfriend’s tightly.
“I’m okay.” Ben’s reassurance was directed to Eric, but I suspected it was for all of us. “Really. Just pissed. Which is much better than feeling ashamed and scared. Trust me.”
I didn’t need to trust him. I knew firsthand that shame and fear felt pretty damn shitty. I was feeling that way right then.
“Can we be done with Dad? And now can you please tell me what you’re both doing here?”
Ben and Eric exchanged a look I couldn’t read. “Well,” Ben said. “Eric and I have been talking about coming out here for a while now. In my therapy, after the hospital, I realized that I’d been pushing away all reminders of the past, thinking that was the way to get over things. It wasn’t, of course. Because the past will always be and I can’t change it and I need to learn to accept it, yada yada, mumbo jumbo psychology stuff. But the other part of that is, when I kept things away that I considered reminders, I really was shutting out the things that made me strongest. You guys, for one. This city is another. Meaningful relationships.” He smiled at Eric at the last one. “So instead of trying to hide the painful things, I’m working on facing them and living with them. It’s really made me a different person.”
“That’s amazing, Ben. I can tell, and I’m so glad. And I’m really glad that you decided to visit, even though I think you have terrible timing.”
Ben let go of Eric’s hand and put his arm around the back of his chair. “We were actually planning to come out next month, but when Norma called yesterday, I wanted to be here now. And we’re not visiting—we’re looking for a place to live.”
“You’re moving here?” I couldn’t have been more surprised if he’d said he was pregnant. “Both of you? But why? I mean, yay! But I’m so confused.”
Ben laughed. “I know. It’s quite a one-eighty. But I’m telling you, I’m different. I’m not letting Dad scare me away anymore. I’ve wasted too much time away from my family. From both of you. I want to be here. I need to be here. Now that Dad’s being an extra special dickwad, I need to be here more. We need to stick together. We work best that way.”
I nodded, again with the bobblehead, but this time not saying anything because I was too happy.
“Anyway,” Ben went on, “Eric’s company is based out of New York, and he can get an easy transfer. I haven’t had a job since I took my leave from the movie theater. When Norma offered to help us out, it felt like a good time to come.”
I turned to Norma. “You knew about this?”
She shrugged. “We’d talked a little about it. He wanted it to be a surprise.”
“It’s a really good surprise.” The best surprise. I beamed, not caring about the pain from my cheek.
“Enough about me,” said Ben, which was funny since we’d barely discussed him. “I want to know about you and this guy you’re seeing.”
The mention of JC brought a new wave of emotions on as I suddenly remembered where I’d left things with him.
“What’s wrong?” Norma asked, reading me as she always did. “Are things not going well?”
I took a moment to answer. I’d been so desperate to go after him earlier. Then I’d forgotten it all while I dealt with the more urgent situation regarding my father. Then there was the distraction that Ben’s arrival had provided. It wasn’t even noon and I’d already been on a rollercoaster of emotions.
Having had a little time away from the morning with JC, I now had some perspective. Perhaps I’d been too dramatic about it.
“Well,” I said, trying to decide how to sum everything up. “Things are strange, right now. Actually, most of it’s pretty fucking amazing. We just said we loved each other. And he took care of me all night after, well, after the Dad thing. JC was really sweet.” I took a sip of my drink, hoping to hide the blush that had crept up as I’d talked.