And maybe the walk would cool my head a bit.
It didn’t. In fact, if anything, it stirred me up more. There were too many layers of emotions within me, and when I was able to come to terms with one, I’d lift it up to find another, more complicated layer in its place. And there didn’t seem any way to organize them all.
If I started at the beginning, it would be with Amber. After all these years, there was still a bond between her and me. For that reason, I wanted to be able to give her what she wanted. But did that have to be Reeve? She’d left him. She’d said good-bye, and it didn’t matter if she’d gone because she was wrong for him or because she was scared or if she regretted it. She was gone when I’d found him. He was fair game. What’s more, he’d chosen me, and even though I was frightened, too, I was ready to be his.
Unless he’d lied to me. Unless he’d led me on.
Unless he’d chosen Amber, too.
He hadn’t ever told me what he’d said to her at dinner. Only what he would have said had I stayed. Had he dodged because he hadn’t wanted me to know what had really occurred? Could he have told her he still loved her – because he didn’t want to hurt her or because he meant it – and then spent the night in my bed?
However hard I tried to stay away from that possibility, it kept circling back to face me. It bullied and chased all other conclusions until it was the only one in my head, and by the time I’d made the mile trek to the east pasture, it inhabited me so completely that I felt like a stranger in my skin. A stranger filled with rage.
I’d only been to the east part of the ranch once before. Reeve had taken me on a horseback ride that had led past the cowshed and the grassy fields that surrounded it. The pasture had been quiet that day, the air filled with the pleasant aroma of wildflowers, with only a few cattle moseying around.
Today it was filled with commotion and cowboys, and the scent of smoke and burning hide was so strong it made my eyes water. The cattle had been gathered into the corral, where they bellowed and snorted as men on horseback rode through the herd, disrupting their formation to round up the calves. Outside the pen, a fire blazed in a large pit. Surrounding the pit were several branding stations, each made up of a dozen or so men and women.
As I pushed through the crowd looking for Reeve, a woman opened up the gate and a horseback rider emerged, dragging a calf behind him with a rope. He pulled the animal toward me and I scurried backward trying to get out of his way, but crashed into a woman who gave me a spiteful look before brushing past me. I stepped to the side and bumped into someone’s elbow so forcefully it knocked the air from my lungs and sent me tripping into the circle of ranch hands that had gathered to pin the animal down. I pitched forward, tumbling toward the end of a hot iron when two strong hands dug into my upper arms and pulled me back.
“Jesus, Emily,” Reeve said, after he’d tugged me a safe distance from the branding station. “What the fuck are you doing out here? Are you trying to get yourself seriously hurt?”
I blinked, too stunned to speak.
Reeve didn’t wait for an answer, clutching me to his chest. “It’s okay,” he said, and it sounded like he was trying to calm himself as much as me. “Just… breathe. Take a few deep breaths. You’re okay.”
I did as he said, staring transfixed at the scene Reeve had rescued me from. One woman used a piercing gun to tag the calf’s ear while another man brought his knife toward the animal’s scrotum. Then came the iron. I closed my eyes tightly, not wanting to see any more, but on the back of my lids I saw the red blaze of the brand coming toward me and the fiery end was a V instead of a K and even though I knew that Amber’s tattoo hadn’t been applied in that manner, it seemed just as vile.
I turned my head into Reeve, as if that would chase the frightening image away.
“Blue Eyes.” He smoothed his hand over my hair, attempting to soothe me.
But the sound of his voice brought me back to reality, and with a jolt I remembered why I’d come out here in the first place.
I pushed away abruptly and hugged my arms around myself.
“What’s wrong?” His voice was edged with concern that was probably left over from the near accident he’d rescued me from.
My adrenaline was still spiked as well, and so instead of starting the conversation in a rational manner like I should have, I pounced. “Do you still love Amber?”
“Excuse me?”
He’d heard me. I was sure of it.
We were face-to-face, far enough away from everyone else that it was unlikely that anything more than a few snatches of conversation could be overheard, and yet we were not at all in private. His warning was silent, conveyed simply in the arch of his brow, the reminder that there were rules and regulations I was meant to adhere to. Picking a fight in public was definitely not on the approved list of behaviors.
And I didn’t give a flying fuck.
I repeated my question, speaking each word slowly and succinctly. “Do you still love Amber?”
“Do you?” His words were filled with as much accusation as mine had been.
It surprised me. “That’s not the same.”
“Really? How is it different?”
I opened my mouth to answer and realized I wasn’t sure it really was all that different.
I rephrased. “Did you tell her that you still loved her?”
The three seconds between my words and his response were heavy and long.
Then, with his gaze pinned on mine, he answered. “Yes. I did.”
When Amber had told me Reeve still loved her, I’d felt like I was falling. Now, I felt like I was fading. As if I were merely someone in a photograph left out too long in the sun, and although parts of my figure remained, I was no longer identifiable. I was no longer a person at all.