“Alexis Mavis, from the bottom of my fatherfucking heart, I want to have your babies,” Dez said, completely serious. “No way am I going to get my hoohah all distorted to do so, but I’m pretty sure we could pay a doctor enough to make it so that I can push one out of my asshole for you. We could name him, her, it, whatever … Asstasia, or Buttford, or Derrierick,” she said, flaring her hands out with each name as if they were spelled out in lights on Broadway.
“Or you could just have a C-section,” Polly offered. All three of them burst out into a fit of giggles, drawing attention from the nurses and orderlies at the nurses’ station.
“Shh,” I hushed them, because we were nearing Faye’s room. “Okay, Lexi, go do your thing,” I said, putting my hand on the small of her back and giving her a push toward the door.
“Wait a minute, asshat!” At least she whispered it. Lexi turned on me and thumped me on the forehead. Lucky for her, she was family. “Delicate shit like this takes finesse and preparation. You can’t just go rushing in without looking the part. Polly? Dez?”
I sighed in defeat and watched as Polly scurried off toward the water fountain with a paper cup. Lexi turned toward Dez, who started bunching Lexi’s clothes up in her hands while Lexi pinched and smacked at her own cheeks. When Polly returned, she drew her arm back as if to hurl the contents of the paper cup at Lexi, but Lexi stopped her. “Jesus Christ, Polly Pocket! I’m supposed to look like I’ve been rushing, not like the winner of a wet T-shirt contest!”
“Oh, right. My bad,” Polly said with a sheepish grin.
“Okay. Now …” Lexi mussed her hair, threw her shoulders back, and then lifted her chin. “Drizzle me, baby. Make me sweat.”
There were about a million rude and crude things I could’ve said in response to that comment, but the short-lived satisfaction from the zing wouldn’t have been worth it in the end. Lexi was the reigning queen of a very long game of guerrilla wordfare, a game in which verbal assault was our weapon of choice. We’d been playing it since we were kids, so I knew she would most definitely get her revenge and we didn’t have time for that. Plus, I was pretty sure Lanie would’ve tied me to a car bumper, stomped on the gas pedal, and dragged my ass down the middle of the street until my balls had a thorough case of road rash for insulting her friend. The thought of picking tiny pebbles out of my sack with tweezers for the next year of my life was not the least bit appealing, so I let it go.
Polly dipped the tips of her fingers into the cup and flicked them toward Lexi’s face, neck, and chest until she looked, very convincingly, like she’d been rushing around in a panic. Afterward, Lexi breathed in and out rapidly until she was practically panting. Then she turned toward the door and yanked it open with a purpose that perfectly mimicked the plan we had set in motion.
Lanie
The wait was excruciating; sort of like waiting to see if the little white stick you just peed all over was going to show one line or two after a drunken one-night stand where the person you ended up going home with was a scrub with no job, no money, and no control over their bodily functions. Okay, so I didn’t really know anything about that, but I had an imagination and I watched a lot of cable television. My mother was in surgery, my father was sitting patiently beside me as he read the local newspaper, and Noah was somewhere in the building concocting God only knew what sort of plan to explain his presence in my little corner of the western hemisphere. My fingernails couldn’t withstand the torture my gnawing teeth were putting on them for much longer, and I was pretty sure that if you put a lump of coal between my ass cheeks you were going to get a diamond the size of a baseball.
Sandra, aka Nurse Barbie, had come into the room moments earlier to let us know that everything was well with my mother and that she was in recovery. Daniel would be in soon to give us the rest of the details. It was fantastic news, but I still had the other drama to worry about. My dad might have been a bit off his game, but he was so skilled at detecting bullshit that I knew we weren’t going to get away with anything as far as he was concerned. I just hoped Noah’s plan would be as flawless as his face and that Daddy wasn’t carrying his firearm.
Suddenly the door flew open and I jumped so high out of my chair that I listed sideways and hit my head on the wall. That smarted, too.
“Oh my God, Lanie! We came as soon as we could,” Lexi said as she rushed into the room and wrapped her arms around me. “Are you okay? Is your mom okay? What’s going on?”
“Lexi? What are you doing here?” I asked, confused.
“Saving your ass,” she whispered into my ear.
It was then that I looked over her shoulder and saw Noah stroll in with all the swagger and grace of a runway model. No, scratch that. He looked more like a rock star turned sex god on a rocket ship to planet Orgasm. His right hand was wedged into the front pocket of his jeans and the fingers of his other were casually stroking the edge of his impossibly chiseled jaw. The pad of his thumb caressed his bottom lip and a hint of his talented tongue peeked out to wave a how-do-you-do.
The Cooch started bouncing up and down while clapping. And when Noah casually adjusted himself in his jeans, she put the back of her hand to her forehead and swooned. Yeah, that was the effect the man had on my body. And my mom was okay, so my reaction to him wasn’t the least bit indecent, thank you very much.
“Omigod, is this your dad?” Lexi abruptly turned me loose and sashayed over to him. Yes, she sashayed, which made me wonder if the ingenious plan the four of them had come up with had anything to do with infidelity, because she was laying it on pretty thick, batting her lashes and jiggling her cleavage. I was pretty sure the curtains were going to part to reveal a stripper’s pole, a stage, and a DJ. I didn’t know if I should tackle her to the ground and pound her face with my fist or dig into my wallet for all the dollar bills I could find.
“It’s so nice to meet you, Mr. Talbot,” she said, offering my dad her hand. “I’m Alexis Mavis, Lanie’s roommate.” My roommate? Yeah, that threw me for a loop, but I decided I should probably keep my mouth shut and see how it all played out. One look at Polly and Dez holding their breath let me know I was right.
Mack was awestruck by Lexi, and I sort of wanted to punch him for salivating over her like that when his wife, my mother, was lying in a recovery room down the hall. Not that I really thought Mack would cheat on her. And to be fair, it wasn’t like it was his fault. I ventured a guess that Lexi had that power over any man not related to her, so his reaction was pretty normal. Plus, he recovered from his boob-induced trance quickly enough, so I had to at least give him credit for that.