That’s even assuming he wants to try the long-distance thing at all. Which he might not.
“This is why you wanted to slow things down,” I say.
“It’s why I wanted to know if this was real. If there’s something deep, something true here.”
I press my nails into the dirt. “And what have you concluded?”
His fingers find mine in the dark. “That trying to stay away from you is impossible.”
My heart leaps into my throat.
“I don’t know where I’ll be a month or a year from now,” he says. “I don’t have the freedom I once had. I suddenly have to think about how I’m going to pay my bills. About what the hell I’m going to be doing with the rest of my life.” He sweeps his thumb across the back of my palm.
I’m afraid to ask the next question, but I must.
“If I weren’t in the picture, would you take this job?”
His thumb freezes. “It’s a good opportunity. And Tim’s a good man.”
I draw a shaky breath. I’m glad it’s too dark for him to see how upset I am.
“I would never, ever want to hold you back from anything,” I say softly.
“I know.”
I should let him go. I should tell him to accept the job. It’s what he wants. It’s what he needs. My work at the Center drives me crazy sometimes, but it’s the reason I get up every morning. Calder deserves the chance to find his life’s work, too, with or without me. It’s selfish for me to keep him here. If I truly love him, I need to encourage him to pursue this opportunity.
But this, this thing between him and me, is something important as well. Work can be meaningful, yes, but I don’t want to be one of those people who looks up when she’s fifty or sixty and realizes that she’s spent her entire life at her job.
“We don’t have to make any decision right now,” he says.
We. He’s not ready to give up on us yet.
I lie back on the grass. Calder lies down beside me and weaves his fingers once more through mine.
Please, I pray to the stars. Please let him stay.
I love him too much to ask him that myself.
* * *
I stir sometime just before dawn. Calder and I are still wrapped around each other in the grass, and there’s a thin layer of dew on our skin.
“We should go,” Calder murmurs into my hair. “I wouldn’t want anyone to catch us trespassing.”
He helps me up, and I glance back at the house.
“What about…” I don’t want to mention the mess he made last night, but it doesn’t seem wise to just leave it there.
“Let them come after me if they want,” Calder says. “I don’t care. They probably have some fancy decorator redoing the whole place anyway.”
I start to protest, but he presses his finger against my lips.
“What are they going to do?” he says. “Fingerprint the place? I have the only incriminating piece of evidence here.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the shard of mirror he was carrying around. “Thought I’d take a souvenir.”
I reach out and touch a streak of dried blood on the glass. “I guess they won’t find any signs of forced entry. Maybe they’ll think they have a ghost.”
Calder chuckles. “A ghost. I like that idea.” here at Ventine’s. Ato10
We head back toward the gate. The first streaks of pale pink light have started to stretch across the sky by the time we reach the gate. We stand there for a moment, looking back at the estate, and Calder bends down and touches the cobblestoned drive before we climb back through the wrought iron.
It’s hard to miss the changes in him as we drive away. He seems more relaxed, as if some great weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He’s finally decided to allow himself to move on, to embrace the life ahead of him and free himself from the past.
Taking that job would help him too, I think. I should tell him to go, but I can’t find the words. I want to tell him I love him. I want to beg him to stay. But how can I ask him to give up his work for me when I won’t turn around and do the same for him? The thought of leaving the Center leaves me with a jumble of emotions. It’s the only work I’ve ever wanted to do. I love my job. I’m good at it. But at the same time, it’s always been the safe choice. I’ve never been out on my own, never had to take a leap of faith and face an unknown future.
On the other hand, following Calder would be… reckless. Insane. Thrilling. My heart beats faster at the thought of it. Part of me secretly craves that adventure, just as I crave the company of the man at my side.
But how could I leave Dad like that?
I glance over at Calder, and I can tell he’s watching me out of the corner of his eye. I want him to be happy, but I don’t want myself to be miserable.
We spend most of the ride back in silence. I know we should talk about things, but I don’t think either of us is ready to discuss the future just yet. Better to pretend we’re a perfect, carefree couple and hold on to these precious, quiet moments together.
Calder’s the first one to cave and speak.
“I don’t want to lose this,” he says. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t. Even if we have to go long-distance for a little while.”
“A lot of couples think they can make long-distance relationships work, but few actually do.”
I don’t know what to say to that. Is he trying to tell me gently that he doesn’t believe we’ll make it? Or is he looking for reassurance? the cobblestoned drive6Npa
“We’re not ‘a lot’ of couples,” I say. “Look at us. Look at how we started.” I stare out the car window. “Whatever this is between us, it isn’t ordinary. I’ve never experienced anything like it. And I’m not sure I ever will again.”
I sense him glance at me, but I keep my eyes on the trees passing by outside.
“I won’t take the job,” he says.
“Don’t make your decision around me. If this job is what you need to do… I could never forgive myself if you gave it up for me.”
“It’s just a job. There will be others.”
He’s probably right, but there’s no guarantee. And as much as I’d like to convince myself otherwise, this is the perfect opportunity for him. He needs to get away from here, start his new life. Especially if they actually succeed in rezoning the estate property—I can’t bear to think of Calder having to witness the throngs of tourists that are bound to show up. He’ll only heal by moving forward, by moving away.