I blink up at him in the rain, and I can't keep the shock from my voice. "Isn't it?"
Again he doesn't answer immediately, and I'm not sure whether it's panic or some other emotion that makes my chest contract. When he finally answers, he avoids the question completely.
"Tell me, what happened with that guy you were with at your fundraiser?"
His query hits so close to all of my angst of the past couple of days that for a moment I'm stunned into silence.
"How—why does it even matter?" I say finally.
Calder takes the bottle from my hand and has another swig of wine.
"I told you that I didn’t approach you because I wasn’t looking to start a fight,” he says, “but that’s not the whole truth. The other reason I didn’t say anything to you was because I knew it would have been a lost cause. You only had eyes for him.”
Was I that obvious? I wonder. Had I been that caught up in Garrett? I think back to that night, to everything that had been going on between Garrett and me the time. Arts & Hearts had fallen only a month before our breakup. I'd sensed something wrong between us for weeks already, but I’d still been desperate to save our relationship. I loved him so much—stupidly so, I now realize—and I wanted to make things work.
It was Valentine's Day, and I felt gorgeous in my black gown—not to mention immensely proud of what I'd accomplished with the event. That night Garrett was his normal, charming self, but nothing more. He laughed at my dad's jokes, listened attentively to the stories of our guests and patrons. But there'd been nothing for me. No secret smile, no admiring glances, no kind words about the work I'd done—or even appreciative comments about my slinky dress. I was a pathetic idiot. I should have realized it was over then. Hell, I should have dumped his ass ages before that.
Just thinking about it makes me sick.
"We broke up," I tell Calder. "Not long after the event. I thought we’d discussed this already.”
He takes another gulp of wine and passes it back to me. “I just wanted to make sure."
"Don't worry," I assure him, wrapping my hands around the rain-soaked bottle. "I'm free to fuck whoever I like."
"That's not what I meant."
"No?"
He gives a humorless chuckle. "Lily, that guy was an asshole. Anyone could see it."
Except me, apparently. And my dad. And the half-dozen friends and guests who'd complimented me on landing the handsome, successful journalist. I believe the phrase “great catch” was thrown around more than once.
But Calder's not done.
"He's the kind of guy who just likes to hear himself talk. He expects everyone to fawn over him, and most of the time, people do. He's happy as long as he thinks you need him. Meanwhile he could care less about what you actually think or want or feel. It's a very one-sided sort of relationship, I imagine."
He's so on the nose about Garrett that I don't even know what to say. He got all that from watching us interact for one evening?
"Though I bet," Calder continues, "that as soon as he thinks you're moving on, or that you don't need him anymore, he changes his tune completely. Guys like that hate it when they realize you don't need them anymore."
I think of Garrett's messages this evening, and I know Calder has it exactly right.
"It's over," I assure him again. "Don't worry. I have no misconceptions about him anymore."
"Good. You deserve better than that. You deserve a guy who appreciates you, who considers himself lucky as fuck to know that you chose to be with him."
I roll my eyes. "Are we in an after-school special now?"
"I'm serious, Lily. You're a remarkable woman."
"I don't even know why we're having this conversation," I say. "I thought we were just fucking?"
Something flashes in his eyes—is that disappointment? Anger? Something darker? I don’t trust myself to know. I wait for him to argue, but instead he pulls me hard against him.
"Just fucking, huh?" he breathes against my hair. "Then maybe we should be doing a little more of that."
He kisses me, and heat explodes through my body. His tongue slips into my mouth, and I suck it between my teeth. He moans and grabs my ass, grinding against me.
Forget all the rest. This I understand. This I want. I twine my hands in his hair and curl my fingers against his scalp, holding his mouth against mine. There are no questions, no judgment, no exes. Just desire.
He breaks away from me, but only enough to yank his shirt off of me. He tosses it aside, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom. He’s prepared, as always. He pushes down his pants in one movement, but before I can admire his naked form he grabs me, twists me around, and pushes me forward. My hands grasp at the railing, but he catches me by the hips, drawing my ass back toward him. His hand closes around the back of my neck, holding me bent over the railing. My fingers curl around the rail, and I lean my head forward to rest my forehead on the wet wrought iron.
The hand that doesn't hold my neck slips across the curve of my ass, down between my legs. His fingers dance across me, gently exploring, sliding up and down until my entire body is quivering. My skin has grown so hot that the rain now feels icy-cold on my back.
"You want to be fucked, Lily?" he rasps over the rain.
I nod.
"Answer me," he growls, tightening his hold on my neck.
"Yes," I gasp. "Yes, please, yes."
There's a rush of cold air as he stands upright again, and I hardly have time to register the cold rain on my back once more before he rams into me. I suck in a breath and my fingers tighten on the railing.
"Is this what you want?" Calder says. He withdraws and then thrusts again, driving more deeply this time.
I let out a moan.
"Say it," he commands roughly. "Say it!"
"Yes. Yes, I want this." My voice cracks on the last word.
He removes his hand from my neck, but only so he can grab my hips with both hands. His fingers dig into my skin as he drives into me another time.
"What do you want, Lily? Say the whole thing."
I squeeze the rail. "I want you to fuck me."
He groans, and then he loses all semblance of control. He thrusts, again and again with wild abandon, and it's all I can go to keep my grip on the railing. I'm gasping for breath, overwhelmed by the feeling of him inside of me. In this position, he feels deeper in me than he ever has before.
"Is…this…what…you…want?" Calder grunts. His fingers dig into my hips.