With all the emotions already unfurled and waving in my stomach, it was surprising that such a petty, insignificant feeling as envy could still catch wind and flap with enough noise to notice. But there it was, boldly flown at full mast, drawing my attention. I leaned against the wall, watching them, watching her, as she teased and taunted, and the taste in my mouth grew sour. I was supposed to be in there with them. Three women, four men. I’d have made the teams equal. If I should have found comfort that I hadn’t been replaced with some other bimbo, I didn’t. Odd numbers didn’t have to mean anyone got left out.
It didn’t escape me that I’d once been one of them – a pretty young thing. A substitute for real emotion dressed in sex and sin.
Aren’t you still one of them? It wasn’t Amber’s voice.
And maybe I was still one of them. But at least this was what I wanted. They were here for the attention and material gain. They were shells waiting to be filled with a man’s desires, blank screens projecting someone else’s wants. Even without reasons connected to Amber, I was here because this was who I was – a strong, independent woman with distinct wants and needs that were only met when I submitted to a man. When I submitted to Reeve.
I stared at him bent over the table, his eyes squinted on the stick and the ball, and found that despite my acceptance of my submission, I was pissed. I didn’t deserve to be tossed aside, no matter how I’d wronged him. If I hadn’t just recommitted myself to finding out the truth about Amber’s death, then I would have walked out. Would have washed my hands of the asshole.
But I would stay, anger and all. For Amber. Which meant I had to channel my anger and ignore the emotion underneath that – fear. It was a different kind of fear than the kind I usually associated with Reeve. Fear that I wasn’t what he wanted. Fear that he didn’t see how easily I could be. Wouldn’t that be the icing on my life?
He took his shot, sending the ball precisely where he’d intended, sinking another into a corner pocket. His expression shifted ever so slightly from intense focus to smug satisfaction. Then his eyes widened in what seemed like surprise as they found mine.
I straightened, knowing I wasn’t where I was supposed to be, but unable to break his gaze. I’m here, I said to him silently across the distance. And the way he continued to look at me, it almost felt like he was glad to see me. Probably because I was witnessing this – him, content in a world without me. It was yet another layer of despair, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if he saw it in my face. Good for him. Congratulations.
Someone else caught his attention then, someone closer to where I was. He nodded once then turned back to his game.
I looked to where he’d nodded and found Anatolios headed my way.
“This is a private game,” he said. “I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m going.” Fucker. And fuck Reeve for sending him after me. It wasn’t like I was interrupting anything and I was positive I’d handed him a victory in my obvious misery. I brooded about it as I stomped up the stairs to Reeve’s room.
Once upstairs, I went to his bathroom to scrub my face. I took the opportunity to give my reflection a stern lecture. “Look at you, occupied with sulking so that you don’t have to feel the real emotions stewing underneath. You think that earns you compassion? You’re pitiful.”
I dried off and turned away, but another voice in my head challenged me. What are you going to do about it?
Grow some fucking balls, that was what.
Reeve was occupied downstairs, and the staff that was still working was attending to him and his friends. They’d turned on music now, the pulsing beat of the bass carrying easily up to me. If I used that to gauge whether the party was still going or not, I should be able to do some exploring. Some real exploring this time, no cowering when what I found got hard to look at.
There were many places in Reeve’s room that I could rummage through, but I wanted to make the best use of this chance, not knowing when I’d get such an opportunity again. To get to the guest rooms, I’d have to cross the bridge where I could easily be seen from below. I could, however, slip up the stairs to his office without anyone the wiser. So I did.
The room was dark and it took a minute for my eyes to adjust. When I could see, I headed for his desk. There was a small lamp there, which I turned on, and his computer was my primary interest. It was already on, displaying the black screen of sleep mode. I jiggled the mouse and prayed there wasn’t a password.
There wasn’t.
Damn, I really should have tried to do this earlier. If only I hadn’t been so absorbed with Reeve.
No, I wasn’t doing the if only’s right now. There were other more important things to do. Immediately, I opened a game of computer solitaire. If I did get caught, it could be my excuse for being up here. It wasn’t like Reeve had named either the room or his computer off limits. If he was mad and wanted to give me another one of his “loud and clear” messages, that would be just fine. And be welcome, too.
After dealing cards and playing a few for appearances’ sake, I moved to snooping elsewhere. His document folders were numerous, but in a quick scroll through the list there were only a few that didn’t seem to be related to Sallis Resorts. The first one, labeled R. OPTIONS, had pictures of modern kitchens and dining rooms. When I found one that looked an awful lot like his downstairs, I realized he used these for the remodel he’d done the summer before. A peek at the last opened date confirmed that it hadn’t been looked at in almost a year. Until now.